Arguments in relationships

[theremaybe]

What does a normal argument in a relationship 'look' like? I don't want to hear from people who don't ever argue! How do your arguments unfold, what is said and how are they resolved? I don't know if mine are normal or signal the end or are somewhere inbetween?

I think it depends the situation around the argument. Me and my partner dont argue often, and on a day to day basis we are good with communication.

However, occassionally we are both so stressed with work, money, life admin etc that we bicker over stupid things. A comment that was said wrong, an unintentional snappy answer when tired - that sort of thing. Most of the time there will be a bit of raised voices, i will usually walk off to a different part of the house and we give eachother space to calm down. Then one of us will apologise within the next hour or two.

Once or twice, it has escuated to full blown screaming/swearing matches - again never seems to be over anything serious, just seems to snowball and eveyrhting gets dragged up. We both admit afterwards we are ashamed at our behaviour, the things we said arent true etc and that we need to work as a team not against eachother.

I think an example of your argument may make for easier understanding/advice?

Its rare but starts with a disagreement about something, or maybe one of us spoke to the other in a tone when stressed or tired...ours are quite calm though and usually when we feel ourselves getting angry we take some breathing time (usually I retreat to our bedroom and he goes for a smoke) and it's usually resolved by a cuddle shortly after ...then we sit and reflect calmly. It's completely different to my last relationship though, with my ex they were blazing rows over stupid things...shouting, insults, silent treatment etc. I could never go back to being in a relationship like that x

Are you asking what's normal or are you asking what's healthy?

I presume the latter, since there is no such thing as normal in relationships. Ideally partners don't shout at each other, but realistically sometimes things get heated and voices can get raised. I think it's healthy to recognise when it's gotten to that point and to take a breather and come back to it when things can be talked about more calmly. It's not productive to continue when things get that heated.

It's healthy for both partners to feel able to openly talk about how they feel. If either person feels a need to bury their feelings to avoid conflict, or if arguments are one-sided with one person typically berating the other, that's not healthy. Both people should be listened to and understood.

Arguments should reach a mutual resolve. If one person gives in just to end the argument, that's when resentment builds. Sometimes you need to compromise, but no valid compromise should leave either person feeling resentful. If there seems to be no possible mutual resolve, that's often a sign of incompatibility and that the relationship should end.

Who decides what's 'normal'?

Do you want a 'normal' relationship, or do you want one that makes you happy, even if it might be quirky in some ways? I don't understand this aspiration people have to be normal. Why is that your goal?

Your arguments either work for you, or they don't. Do they resolve conflict for you, to a degree where you can feel comfortable and settled afterwards?

It's not the actual mechanics of the argument it's what it achieves.

And a balance of who, not gives in as such, but in some cases one person can be mistaken and it's healthy, we think, if you can accept that as a human being not just a partner, and admit your mistake.

Occasional blow out here, twice a year tops.
Many bickers. Sometimes just for fun because one of us is a bit bored.
Many more debates because we like them.

Couple of huffs but these are mostly exaggerated and dealt with with humour.

When we argue we don’t do these:
use personal insults, bring things up from the past, do it while drunk.
we do try to each state our case and our idea of a resolution and give the other time to consider.

We bicker. Sometimes it’s because we are tired and stressed and one has snapped at the other because of it. It usually ends in us withdrawing to the opposite ends of the house for a while to clear our heads before we come back together. It doesn’t tend to drag on. Sometimes we bicker because it amuses both of us. There is never any aggression in it and it ends up with us laughing at each other.

Agree with pp that there is no 'normal'. Just what makes both people content. I grew up in a fiery culture where arguments are normal but they also get resolved quickly and with no bad blood. But for me the rules are no personal insults, nothing physical, no stone walling and no passive aggressiveness. Also both people apologising is important too. And giving the other person space to digest and think rather than forcing them into a corner.

I can't stand people who sulk and won't discuss what's wrong. In general I don't think constant bickering is healthy (that to me shows a fundamental disconnect) but I do think an argument can be good especially if it forces issues to the surface.