I don’t actually no what im looking for in writing this. But I’m lost, I no longer no what to do.
It’s a long story, but I guess this is a snippet…
We dated for 6 months, it was a whirlwind, falling in love, so quick, so hard. I thought he was perfect. We knew we wanted to get married, so we had all the conversations we could possibly think of to get to know each other, likes, dislikes, aspirations, wants, future – you name it.
There was one condition on his side though to us getting married. His mum had to live with us as he had promised to look after her / support her (she is in her early 60’s, divorced, and she doesn’t always keep well, he told her to stop working and he would support her). I agreed, from what I had gotten to know, she seemed nice. Bit in your face and loud, but I took that as a positive that she was friendly and excited about me being part of the family.
Within a year, we had dated, gotten engaged and married.
I then moved in with them (culture doesn’t allow you to move in pre wed).
There was obv an adjustment period, their way, their home, me moving in with my ways etc. But something changed. The bubbly mother in law used to just put a lot of demands down on how she wanted things done in the house. She was always itching for time with her son, always imposing on our date nights, wanting to come along. It got too much and I made the mistake of telling my husband the things that were bothering me. Maybe I nit-picked too much, but he didn’t take kindly to hearing all these things.
I noticed his mood changed, we had never really argued, but we were then always bickering. Then it happened…the first big argument. I don’t even remember what it was about, but he lost it. I had never in my life seen anyone get so angry. He flipped, so much so, all I remember was freezing, seeing him come towards me, and me getting myself ready for him to hit me.
He froze, he saw how scared I was. He immediately retracted and told me that he gets angry (a trait I had never seen before or known about), but he swore he would never hit me.
I believed him. But I was confused on this anger, I had never seen it. I thought it was a one off (boy was I wrong). In my head, all I thought was, I hadn’t seen it in all this time, this is the worst its got to be. I really thought it was a one time thing.
Sadly, this wasn’t the case. I quickly learnt my husband had a huge anger management issue. I have had to witness him jump out of a car whilst we are driving mid arguing. I have to watch him scream and shout to the point I am beyond terrified on what he will do. I made the mistake of saying that we shouldn’t walk away from an argument, we should really try to resolve things. But that has meant that I have had to stay and watch him self harm (because he has promised to never hit me, he believes that only way to control things is by hitting himself, or as he says punish himself). I watch him stab himself with keys, smash things on his head to the point he is bleeding. Rip the clothes that he is wearing to pieces. Throw things. The list goes on. All the time, I am not allowed to walk away due to one comment I had made a long time ago.
Along side this, my mother in law quickly realised that I no longer tell my husband the things that she says to me as I can see it gets him upset. So she has spent all this time saying things to me behind his back, when he is not around. Shes told me that she will be bringing up my children, and not her (I haven’t allowed this to happen). She has told me that the house my husband and I own is not mine, it is hers to and I’m just there to pay the bills (She has a share in the house but we pay for everything). She has told me that I need to learn to manipulate my husband the way she does. (she won’t let go of him, as her other son doesn’t really want to have that responsibility to look after her, and she has no one else). She has told me that my husband will always choose her over me.
Dealing with both husband and mil has gotten too much for me.
I have tried everything I can think of to resolve these issues.
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I have sat down and spoken directly to my mother in law
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I have sat down and spoken to her with my husband (she point blank denies that she has ever said or done anything to me and so my husband says he doesn’t no who to believe as he hasn’t heard the things being said first hand)
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I have told my husband he needs to go to anger management counselling or I will leave him (he went to x2/3 sessions and said it wasn’t for him)
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I have sought counselling for myself to find ways of coping.
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I have pushed and gone for marriage counselling. – sadly the counsellor was terrible and basically didn’t say anything to my husband, but instead told me I need to be empowered to speak up when I am not happy about things (which I have been doing), we eventually stopped going
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I have separated from my husband and told him we need to be apart (I thought if he saw what he was missing with myself and our children it would help him to come around).
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I have made my boundary clear by stating that I want us as a family to work, but I can no longer live with his mother.
Sadly, the separation, my making my terms (boundary) clear was more than 8 months ago. I have made every effort to say lets reconcile, but hes basically said he is unable to tell his mum that she will not live with us. So we are currently living separately and nothing is being done to resolve this matter.
Do I keep fighting? Despite his anger, I think we could make it work. I truly believe his anger is all learnt behaviour, but also frustration from him on his upbringing and being controlled by his mother for so many years.
Our marriage isn’t great. We now tip toe around one another, we don’t really speak to each other unless its about our children. We have the odd good days, where we laugh, and don’t have an argument / bicker, but its very seldom. Im on such a high on these days, but im quickly brought back down to reality when I say something that I haven’t said correctly, or im asked why I have done what I have done. Or im told off about something.
I just feel like we haven’t given ‘our family / marriage’ a chance to work without the constant third partiy being there.
I don’t even think I have written half the story here, its all so bits and pieces of the struggle
I don’t want to share my children, I no they won’t be happy doing that. I have done everything in my power to protect them (they don’t see the issues, I ensure both parents play an active part in their life). But ultimately, I know if we were to divorce, my children would not like to be with my husband without me being around.