Does it bother you when friends, family or DP leave you on read?

[LadyofBarcelona]

When they don’t reply, just leave your message on seen, do you take it personally?

Totally depends on the type of message - some messages to close friends/family genuinely do need a quick response. But in most cases, no. Not least because I often may have officially "read" a message but really, I just unlocked my phone and that came up and I was trying to pay for parking or whatever. Or I saw it but was quickly reading all my messages while walking to fetch the DC from school so can't respond instantly.

In fact, it annoys me that people seem to think instant responses are necessary.

God no. I wouldn’t even notice.
I only know what it means because my teenager told me!
If I needed to know something urgently I’d ring them (and I hate phone calls so try to avoid them), otherwise I assume they’ll reply at their own convenience. Or not, if they forget as I so often do.

This thread has showed me I have stuff to work on!

No. No one is entitled to anyone else being instantly available. I have friends who do mind. I read their messages without opening and reply when I am free to.

I think if the message moves to read you should very quickly say “Busy atm, will message soon”. We all know that read thing shows up and I do think it’s rude to ignore a message. That’s not me being self involved, I do understand people have other stuff to do. But they did have time to click into the message to read it so if no time for a lengthy reply I’d expect at least that level of courtesy back.

Does this mean you usually get upset if people don't repond instantly? In which case, yes, you have things to workk on.

it takes 2 secs to read a message. it would take at least a minute to type a reply. Times that by the fact you might have half a dozen messages flash up.

@LadyofBarcelona I disagree with your last update. I think people have become ignorant. It would take 2 seconds to say “Message you after work”. If they’re that incredibly busy they shouldn’t open the message at all.

Totally agree.

I get loads of messages every day. I'm not going to respond like that to each one. Bloody hell. Just because someone has seen that I've read the message does not mean I'm obligated to respond instantly. I might need to think about it or I might be busy. And anyone who expects me to acknowledge receipt instantly is sort of missing the point of the blue ticks - they show that I've got it.

Is it you that takes it personally then OP?

I don't at all. And I do it myself sometimes soon.

For me personally! I’m really highly sensitive, like majorly. Sometimes when people don’t reply, I feel kinda rubbish about it because I make every effort to reply to people no matter what! Which is probably a fault.

for example, I’ve been making an effort with new DP’s friends and one of them has left me on read for weeks - fair enough, nothing important! But it starts to make me wonder if I’ve done something wrong..

Oh god, I wouldnt even notice! I leave people on read all the time. Especially if it doesn't require an answer.

Not everybody is the same as you, OP, and your way of doing things isn't 'right' compared to other people's 'wrong'. Is everyone meant to be living by your rules?

You've got that back to front egotism things going on. People live for themselves, not for you, and nobody is pressuring you to reply immediately to everybody's messages except you. All of the problem here comes from you, and you're the only one who suffers it. Make life easy on yourself. Respect that people don't wake up in the morning with only you on their mind, and how to make you happy.

OP - it sounds like you're aware that maybe you have a problem. So that's a really good first step.

The person who hasn't responded for weeks could be any number of things:

1. she saw the message while she was busy, didn't properly clock it and has subsequently completely forgotten about it.
2. She saw the message and it doesn't specifically need a response so she hasn't bothered.
3. She thinks you are DP's friend, not hers, and doesn't really want to hang out or whatever it is you've suggested.

Agree with @Watchkeys - the only person who is putting this pressure on you is you. I don't expect instant responses from anyone. Like a PP, I might get annoyed if we've made a loose plan for Friday and on Friday they're still not responding to confirm time/venue etc. But that's something specific with a time frame issue.

I have blue ticks turned off, however yesterday I received a message from an acquaintance that I didn’t respond to straight away. Within a few hours I’d received an ‘are you okay?’ follow-up message and an hour after that a ‘🙁’ emoji. Their message wasn’t even a question, they just felt entitled to a response from me because they had seen that I was ‘online’. It wasn’t the first time this had happened. I tried to explain how this made me uncomfortable but they responded rudely and I ended up blocking them. I have little tolerance for this sort of drama these days, especially from middle-aged adults who really should know better.

I wouldn't notice or if it was something where I was being left in the air about plans I'd just ring them or msg again. I wouldn't take it personal in the slightest.

Only one as they only reply immediately if it has gossip potential or is something about them. Otherwise they'll take around a week to reply, and probably shouldn't have bothered.

No one is entitled to our immediate attention for every message. People respond in their own timescale, not on demand.

Our phones are supposed to be for our convenience, not to keep us tethered to them.

@IodineQueen This is really helpful to know what it's like on the other side. I don't want to come across that way at all.

@Watchkeys I absolutely agree with you. I do have this, I'm not sure why. I always think people are out to get me or just look at the world as if I'm a main character in everyone's life. I have very black and white thinking.

This is true @MsMarch - I think I worded it incorrectly in my OP, she's my DP's good friend's girlfriend. I think I just assume everyone is the same as me when they're not!

She might not want to be your friend OP. That's ok though, I would think it weird if my friends bloke messaged me or husbands friends partner did. They're this friends not mine. Just let it go.

@gamerchick just to confirm, you would find it weird if your DP’s friends gf spoke to you?

I guess you’re right - I was just trying to be more friendly and acquainted as she’s the first partner I’ve met of any DP’s friends, but it’ll be something as simple as that!

it's kinda dependent on the situation.

i have a friend who has been actively ignoring me for about 2 weeks now. I offered to help her with some project - seen and not replied. I wished her happy birthday - seen and not replied.

It's clear to me now that i must've done something to upset or piss her off, i've just got to now unravel the conundrum of what it was which i'll probably never know for sure. It's annoying because it's upsetting and makes someone like me (with anxiety) catastrophise about what it might be.

so i'm having to learn again not to second guess a situation or overthink, because it could be anything. but yeh, sometimes it's upsetting and a pain in the arse because you obsess over it (well, i do.)