Can a toddler ‘bully’?

[Tractorcrisis]

A three year old at a preschool is describing other children there as ‘bullies’ and likewise the Mum has complained that her child is being bullied.

The behaviour in question isn’t physical aggression - it’s the child being told they can’t come and play in the home corner. This is monitored and watched by key workers, they intervene and explain the correct behaviour.

Is ‘bullying’ too strong a term to use with three year olds? Surely at this age they are learning and don’t have the cognitive ability/learnt the social skills to deliberately victimise another child. Or do they?

Im not sure it’s healthy for the mother to in-still in the child that she is being ‘bullied’ - however - of course the child should be encouraged to speak out if she is upset?

I wouldn't call a 3 year old a toddler but no it's not bullying.

It is kind of bullying behaviour though, but of course the child doesn't know that and they're just learning how to give and take, and consider other's feelings.

Just my opinion but I think kids this age are truing out the world every way they can. What happens if I do this, say that, taste this, throw that. They’ll not want to play with one child on Monday, they’re best friends come Tuesday.
As long as staff are monitoring so it doesn’t go too far and they encourage children to share, show empathy etc.. then there’s nothing to complain about.

If it's not bullying now, it will be bullying next year.

@MolliciousIntent I understand that this sort of behaviour is left unchallenged would become bullying in future years - but is it bullying at the age of 3?

At age 3 they are learning the rules - would ‘bully’ be a better term for - those who KNOW the rules and are choosing to exclude intentionally?

I think we infantilise children quite significantly, to be honest. My 2yr old knows how to behave, when she misbehaves she does it intentionally, you can see it in her face! I think at 3 repeatedly excluding children when you've been told not to is likely to be purposeful, though probably not intentionally malicious. Which to me makes it a precursor to bullying.

It might not be intentional but the feelings are the same for the excluded kid. I had a talk with my then 3 y/o DD as she was being a bully at nursery.

She has always been very popular and still is, and was ringleader of a little group of kids at nursery. She decided she didn’t want one little boy playing with them and he found it quite upsetting. I talked to her about empathy, about how she doesn’t have to play with someone if she doesn’t want to but saying ‘WE’ don’t want to play with you isn’t okay, neither is telling him he’s not allowed on equipment at the same time as her is. Because if I didn’t explain it to her then, who knows what she’d be like now? I didn’t want to raise a bully.

@Chattycathydoll

Is ‘bully’ the correct term though? I’m trying to decide whether it’s ok for a child to call another child a bully - or whether it’s ok for a Mum to refer to another child as a bully at age 3.

It feels as if the Mum is questioning her daughter on the experiences she is having at preschool - the Mum is using the vocabulary of ‘bullying’ with the child, and the child now has an acute awareness of any negative behaviour.

BUT I don’t want to downplay - in any shape or form - what she is experiencing, or to discourage the child from verbalising/reporting it?

Yes. We had constant pinching from someone at nursery at that age. Also they got hold of a pair of scissors and jabbed DD.

The setting wouldnt do anything about it they normalised it, but I kicked off with them. They need to act. It can get worse and possilby they are modelling that behaviour because someone has done it to them.

If they where unwilling to share with any of the children, I'd think it was just a toddler that's still learning, but if they're consistently leaving out one child, I would consider that bullying. It doesn't mean their going to grow up to be horrible, it just means they haven't learned that bullying is unacceptable yet, so they do need to have that explained.

The child it's happening to is definitely experiencing bullying, and to them it makes no difference weather their bully understands the impact.

Surely at this age they are learning and don’t have the cognitive ability/learnt the social skills to deliberately victimise another child. Or do they?

Actually at 3 years old yes they do.

If they take a dislike to another child for whatever reason, they can obviously keep being unkind to them or trying to upset/provoke a reaction.

I think the best way to describe it at that age is 'Picking on' another child.

Yes, I think bully was the correct word. My DD was being a bully. She may not have known she was but that’s why she needed me to teach her the concept. Excluding and being unkind to one particular kid, and getting her friends to also exclude him, was absolutely bullying. By teaching her what we call this behaviour and why it’s wrong, she learned not to do it any more.

So if - at preschool, your son/daughter had said to another child “you can’t play in the home corner” - would it be ok for the excluded child to refer to your son/daughter as a ‘bully’ - and for the child’s mother to describe your son/daughter as a bully?

To my mind - I’m thinking if it’s not right, because your son/daughter is learning their social skills and they just haven’t had that time/experience to develop into being a ‘bully’. It’s inappropriate behaviour that needs challenging.

I wholeheartedly agree with challenging and explaining to a three year old why the behaviour is wrong and addressing that behaviour in the bud, what I don’t agree with is telling a child they are a bully - or giving them a label at age 3….

I think the deliberate attempt to exclude is what makes it bullying. The instinct to shut someone out.

@MolliciousIntent yes - completely agree. It is excluding, it’s verbal aggression. And it’s a horrible thing for the victim to experience. Whether it’s verbal or physical aggression - it’s wrong.

If you really want to examine the terminology, I'd probably say "that behaviour is bullying/ you are bullying x" but would avoid saying "you are a bully" in the same way I would say something was bad/naughty behaviour but would never say a child was bad/naughty

It seems like you’ve been upset by the word bully being applied to your kid so that name is upsetting you more than the behaviour. Yes, I thought it was appropriate to tell DD she was bullying a little boy and it’s not nice to be a bully. I told her I knew she was a good, kind child and expected her to act like it. That she didn’t have to play with him but telling him he wasn’t allowed in the sandpit or wasn’t allowed to play with her friends was bullying.

“If you really want to examine the terminology, I'd probably say "that behaviour is bullying/ you are bullying x" but would avoid saying "you are a bully" in the same way I would say something was bad/naughty behaviour but would never say a child was bad/naughty”

This nails it.

Bullying is repeated behaviour, if the child did it one time, then no it is not bullying. If they continue the behaviour because the know it upsets the person being excluded, even after they have been told not to do it, then yes, it is absolutely bullying.

Do not try to downplay this. This is a three year old encouraging other children to behave in an unacceptable manner. As PP have said, if you ignore it now, a few years later they will be doing the same thing to their classmates.

No, it's bullying behaviour.

But 3 years is probably old enough for most children to learn that being deliberately unkind/upsetting another child is bullying.

It might take a while to explain, depending on the child though.

I think bully is the correct term here. You'd be better off spending your time trying to improve your child's behaviour than arguing about whether or not bully is the right word. It sounds like you're minimising their behaviour.

I think yes you need to accept your child's behaviour bullying behaviour. It is unkind and if targeted at the same child/children then yes your child's behaviour is bullying.

Rather then getting caught up in what to label it, just keep concentrating on stopping it.

It's bullying behaviour, yes. If it's your child excluding the other, then now is absolutely the time to deal with the behaviour so that it doesn't continue into primary school and beyond where it will have serious repercussions for both your child and the other.

A three year old can display bullying behaviour, but I am more concerned about how such a young child learned this word.

The word bully isn't really the important issue here. It could be called 'picking on someone ' or 'being mean.'

What is important is that the child excluding others is taught that it's not acceptable behaviour. Of course they can choose who they would like to play with, but need teaching that deliberately leaving another child out of the group is unkind.