Page 2 | Miss my adult daughter so much

tiredofthisshit21 · 2022-07-04T13:52:28+00:00

I feel a bit pathetic writing this as I went through it when she went off to uni last year, but I dropped her off for a summer of travelling the world this weekend and I'm missing her so much that my heart hurts. The house feels empty without her lively chatter. I think it's because it's always been me and her against the world since I got divorced and we're a little team. Am remarried so it's not that I'm home on my own and lonely but OMG there are reminders of her everywhere and I miss her so much. Help me to make this feel better - what do you do to distract yourselves if you're missing your kids?

stayingpositiveifpossible · 04/07/2022 19:22

Handhold OP.

Minimalme · 04/07/2022 19:31

It's ok to cry. You love her and being with her fills your heart with joy. That's a lot to miss.

Firstly, have some and (on me).

Secondly, your love for your daughter is dormant when you are apart. She will think about you and vice versa.

The love you share is unique to you both - each carry a little bit of the other in your hearts.

Thirdly, my Mother and I have no love for each other. I will always be sad that I am nobody's daughter. However, I feel the way you do about my children and even when we are apart, I can feel the love. It's a wonderful thing!

Minimalme · 04/07/2022 19:32

Isn't dormant...fgs I'm trying to cheer you up

Matildagonegrey · 04/07/2022 19:46

I know how you feel, I cried for a few weeks when my eldest went to uni but I still had my youngest daughter at home. She left to go to uni 2 years later, it was so hard but hearing how happy they are, all the new fiends they have made, all the fun experiences they have had, you have to feel proud that you have raised independent children who will go on to do what they want and that they are happy and healthy. I still miss my two everyday but I have regular chats and FaceTime with them and see them when I see can. Your relationship will always be there, your daughter knows you will always be there for her 💐

RichardOsmansXraySpecs · 04/07/2022 19:52

God this thread has me bawling.
They don't tell you this bit when you have kids do they? Everyone thinks about the baby, toddler, even teenage years but then what? One day they move out and you're left with a void.
My DD is at uni and my youngest is off there next year, I still have 2 at home but they are late teens too. I dread the day when they're all gone 😢

I think the only thing you can do is keep yourself busy OP, take your mind off it, treat yourself. Maybe take up a brand new hobby, something unusual that you wouldn't have thought of doing.

It must get easier, my mum was over the moon when we all moved out, re-decorated, the lot 😆

pastaandpesto · 04/07/2022 20:11

Oh OP, it's so hard. It's the ultimate, most painfully paradoxical part of being a parent - that the thing we all want more than anything for our children (a happy, independent life) if the thing that cuts us so deeply.

Just don't listen to ABBA "Slipping through my fingers". Christ, I well up even +thinking* about that song!

5128gap · 04/07/2022 20:32

These are my (no nonsense, practical) tips:
Do not allow yourself to sentimentalise. Banish every 'I won't see her for...' 'never another night under my roof' thought as soon as it enters your head. Same goes for moping round empty bedrooms. Unless it helps you, don't put yourself through it.
Do not look at the big picture and dwell on they'll be gone a year, they've left forever...instead get through moment by moment, day by day. So you're eating dinner alone? You must have done that loads in the past when they've been out. It's just the same.
Plan things to do and give them your full attention. It's a great time to build and strengthen your relationships with other women, especially those in the same boat.
When you want to cry, imagine what a fabulous fun time she's having and smile. That's the dream for them after all.
Know you will adjust. You won't feel bereft forever. The world is full of empty nesters living perfectly happy lives, who once felt like you do, but feel fine now.

Mix56 · 04/07/2022 20:42

You have done your job, she is a fabulous confident woman.
You have taught her to grab hold of het life with both hands
Keep sending her loving enthusistic messages
Tell her every photo gives you an update.
Any problem you will travel the world to be at her side
& don't expect to hear all the details of the dodgy stuff she has done as it doesn't help you to sleep at night 😂
Its hard, but honestly you will get used to it!

Original poster

tiredofthisshit21 · 04/07/2022 20:44

Just don't listen to ABBA "Slipping through my fingers". Christ, I well up even +thinking about that song!*

OMG no, that made my bawl years before she even went to uni 😭

OP posts:

Original poster

tiredofthisshit21 · 04/07/2022 20:46

5128gap · 04/07/2022 20:32

These are my (no nonsense, practical) tips:
Do not allow yourself to sentimentalise. Banish every 'I won't see her for...' 'never another night under my roof' thought as soon as it enters your head. Same goes for moping round empty bedrooms. Unless it helps you, don't put yourself through it.
Do not look at the big picture and dwell on they'll be gone a year, they've left forever...instead get through moment by moment, day by day. So you're eating dinner alone? You must have done that loads in the past when they've been out. It's just the same.
Plan things to do and give them your full attention. It's a great time to build and strengthen your relationships with other women, especially those in the same boat.
When you want to cry, imagine what a fabulous fun time she's having and smile. That's the dream for them after all.
Know you will adjust. You won't feel bereft forever. The world is full of empty nesters living perfectly happy lives, who once felt like you do, but feel fine now.

Thank you that does help. The worst thing is that I didn't expect to feel like this when she went off on her summer away as I've been thru it when she went to uni and I got over that!! Not sure what's wrong with me!

OP posts:

Catlover1970 · 04/07/2022 22:33

tiredofthisshit21 · 04/07/2022 19:16

Oh God I thought I'd allow myself a little cry and I can't seem to stop, floodgates are open 😭

Sending you so much love xx

Mother87 · 04/07/2022 23:14

Not pathetic... I cried for weeks before dropping DS1 @ uni 15 years ago...Can still remember the feeling and crying in every shop when I was buying him a duvet & a toaster... He's 35 now & I get to cuddle his DS1 all the time... And will cry buckets when youngest DS24 flies the nest "soon" ... He's been like a little shadow who talks to me about allsorts & is still happy to chat/go to the cinema with me (only if all his mates are busy) takes me out for lunch - all whilst living his (no hashtag) best life. DD26 lives two minutes away - I don't miss some of the mess & conflict we used to 'share' - but LOVE being with her & watching her blossom. But the house where DH and I had four parents/my DC's and 2 stepDC's & LOTS of activity/liveliness/gatherings... is now a VERY different place, with only my elderly DM 'left' and DS24. All natural 'progression' but I feel the losses and the sadness and some regrets ALL the time. And yes I'm busy/working/have lots of good things going on - but your heart is your heart... xx

RotiCanai · 04/07/2022 23:39

Oh nooooo I’m sitting here with DD flat out asleep next to me and am already shedding a tear at the thought of this. She is only 5 months old!

Although I very much hope that she gets to go and have adventures and go travelling and things when she is older, that’s exactly what I want for her… just maybe she can take me with her?!

I remember struggling with going to uni myself, because although my parents managed to hide how they we’re feeling no when they dropped my older brother off, I was still in the car on the way home when we all cried silent tears for a journey that was several hours long. He didn’t drive either and this was before mobiles so they got a phone call a week if they were lucky on the communal pay phone in halls, and he could only get home in the holidays.

But yes, I don’t think it’s something people talk about that much (or not in my experience anyway) and yet its such a big change.

Playplayaway · 04/07/2022 23:48

It's the regrets that gets me. We should have done more - more theatre, more meals out, more holidays, more photos, more walks and conversations while they were still right here to grab and go. We did so much but could have done more.

I even miss the washing. The last time dd came to stay she brought some washing with her and I loved hanging her things on the line. After she'd gone back home I actually cried at the empty washing line 😭

Original poster

tiredofthisshit21 · 05/07/2022 08:55

Your comments have all really helped - thank you

I went for a swim before work this morning which has helped me mentally. Today is a new day!

OP posts:

canuck43 · 05/07/2022 12:02

Don't be sad, remember ROOTS and WINGS. You have given her good roots and now the wings to fly and explore the world. Those same wings will bring her back and you will enjoy listening to her adventures.

Original poster

tiredofthisshit21 · 05/07/2022 13:35

Ahhhhh I LOVE that @canuck43, thankyou.

OP posts:

Catstaps · 06/10/2022 12:10

Hi, I’m just the same. My daughter went to uni and I missed her terribly. She’s now permanently moved away down south and at times I feel very sad. I just miss her company so much. I try and think of the positives, she’s well and happy but it still hurts a lot!

firstmummy2019 · 06/10/2022 21:20

Just came to say I wish I had a mother like you. I hope I have the same bond with my baby daughter when she is older. My mum never really cared. Beautiful to read.

tiredofthiisshit21 · 07/10/2022 05:52

firstmummy2019 · 06/10/2022 21:20

Just came to say I wish I had a mother like you. I hope I have the same bond with my baby daughter when she is older. My mum never really cared. Beautiful to read.

Aw thankyou, I'm sure you will.

Thistlelass · 08/10/2022 00:26

Well if she is your only child then I think you would feel it all the more. I had 5 children grow and fly the nest. I enjoy touching in the fringes of their lives, visiting them and having them visit me. It seems to me only natural to miss them but also to be very happy they are succeeding in life. My daughter is the second eldest. She will be 40 in January and has 2 children of her own. We speak a lot and have a quite similar attitude to life and her 4 brothers lol. I missed the youngest very much when he moved out and sometimes still do, although he has been gone for 14 years. He is gay, coming out on his 17th birthday. Now lives in a big house in London with his partner. He is going through some issues in his employment at the minute and the mumdar just feels his pain, tries to say helpful things and worries about him. You will have many experiences to go through in life with that girl of yours. Some good. Some not so much. The love between you will hold the bond tight xx

Spaceprincess · 09/10/2022 16:22

Ah OP I cried earlier today thinking about my twin girls that have both left home.
I still have a younger one here, but miss the days when my house was full.
I have a full life, job, partner, social life.
Plenty of blessings to count but oh I miss them.
Nothing to suggest but I feel you x.

Badger1970 · 09/10/2022 16:32

Our youngest baby bird flew the nest in the summer (aged 24), and it was quite hard as she and her BF had lived here for 3 years to save up a house deposit. The house still feels empty, and I'm struggling. I am so lucky that all of my girls are close by, but the distance is feels like a million miles sometimes.

I do remind myself that they're independent, confident and living great lives but I do so miss them. And being alone all the time with DH isn't much fun either, he's driving me mad life feels a little "meaningless" if that's the right word after 30 years of raising DC.

Alcemeg · 09/10/2022 17:10

In case you don't already know it, this thread reminds me of the Kahlil Gibran poem "On Children":

...Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.