Meeting up with ex after 6 months apart

Europeanman42 · 2022-07-04T13:34:11+00:00

Hi, Just after some opinion on my situation and maybe some advice. I split with my ex 6 months ago after 6 years together. The last year had been long distance due to the pandemic and the fact she had to move across the atlantic for work so we drifted apart and she called it off when i went to see her as she thought she was likely to stay there. We have been messaging over the last months somewhat irregularly and we have both realised we made mistakes in the last year. She tells me she misses me immensely but is worried about what the future will bring as she cannot guarantee the fact that she will come back to Europe (I cannot move out of Europe due to familial responsibilities at the moment). She is currently back in the UK and has said she would very much like to see me to see how we could work it out or manage another few years apart.. I have agreed to meet her, but am unsure how to handle it.. any advice? As far as i am concerned i would like to give us another go as i believe she is my soulmate... Thanks in advance

Watchkeys · 04/07/2022 14:40

i believe she is my soulmate

What does this actually mean? Can you break it down for us?

PetersRabbitt · 04/07/2022 14:42

If you can never be together what’s the point? Is she going to eventually move to where you are? If not I wouldn’t bother if I’m honest.

Original poster

Europeanman42 · 04/07/2022 14:42

We were just very good together in every way- no effort, natural... We probably didnt take things serious enough which was part of the problem.. I have tried dating since we split but it didnt feel right, and it seems the same is true for her. She tells me she loves me still and misses us...

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DPotter · 04/07/2022 14:47

If she doesn't see a possibility of moving back to Europe and you have long term family commitments then the options are pretty limited, even if you want to continue.

How long would you both sustain a long distance relationship, only seeing each other for a few weeks a year ?

How long term are your family commitments and would you / could you move stateside once they were over?

Why can't she move back to Europe?

Do you want marriage and children at some point ? I can't see a LDR with children in the picture - could you?

I think it's fair enough to meet, however you need a very frank discussion about the terms and limitation of any ongoing relationship

Original poster

Europeanman42 · 04/07/2022 14:48

PetersRabbitt · 04/07/2022 14:42

If you can never be together what’s the point? Is she going to eventually move to where you are? If not I wouldn’t bother if I’m honest.

There will be possibilities to be back together permanantly in a few years depending on job opportunities... I also have some flexibility with my work, so woud be able to go stateside for prolonged periods of time if she cannot be over here...

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Original poster

Europeanman42 · 04/07/2022 14:50

DPotter · 04/07/2022 14:47

If she doesn't see a possibility of moving back to Europe and you have long term family commitments then the options are pretty limited, even if you want to continue.

How long would you both sustain a long distance relationship, only seeing each other for a few weeks a year ?

How long term are your family commitments and would you / could you move stateside once they were over?

Why can't she move back to Europe?

Do you want marriage and children at some point ? I can't see a LDR with children in the picture - could you?

I think it's fair enough to meet, however you need a very frank discussion about the terms and limitation of any ongoing relationship

Thanks, my commitments are my child from a previous relationship who has just become a teenager, so my situation would also change once she is older... She has said she doesnt want kids of her own, so this shouldnt be an issue, and im quite happy with the one i have! She could move back to Europe but will depend on job opportunities.. we work in a very competitive and specialised field

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DPotter · 04/07/2022 15:19

So you have another 5-6 years before your child is 18 (and trust me when I say, the responsibility and care doesn't stop there). Another 5-6 years before your could possibility move abroad. That's not a few years in my book.

I think you need to ask her a couple of straight questions - if the perfect job came up tomorrow for her in Europe, would she apply ? If the good enough job came up tomorrow in Europe would she apply ? If the same job as she has now came up tomorrow in Europe, would she apply ?

You mention about spending prolonged periods stateside - surely US immigration rules have limited on the time you can spend on a tourist visa ? And you couldn't really be doing that until your child is 18+ so again another 5-6 years before that's possible. As you work in the same field, could she not spend prolonged amounts of time in the UK ?

Given the time spans I'm not hopeful to be honest, but I don't have the emotional ties that you have. By all means give it a go, but and it's a big but, I think you would need to put a time limit on it, eg try for a year and if it's not working out - step away and cut contact completely.

Original poster

Europeanman42 · 04/07/2022 15:23

DPotter · 04/07/2022 15:19

So you have another 5-6 years before your child is 18 (and trust me when I say, the responsibility and care doesn't stop there). Another 5-6 years before your could possibility move abroad. That's not a few years in my book.

I think you need to ask her a couple of straight questions - if the perfect job came up tomorrow for her in Europe, would she apply ? If the good enough job came up tomorrow in Europe would she apply ? If the same job as she has now came up tomorrow in Europe, would she apply ?

You mention about spending prolonged periods stateside - surely US immigration rules have limited on the time you can spend on a tourist visa ? And you couldn't really be doing that until your child is 18+ so again another 5-6 years before that's possible. As you work in the same field, could she not spend prolonged amounts of time in the UK ?

Given the time spans I'm not hopeful to be honest, but I don't have the emotional ties that you have. By all means give it a go, but and it's a big but, I think you would need to put a time limit on it, eg try for a year and if it's not working out - step away and cut contact completely.

Thanks DPotter for your response... When i say prolonged periods i mean of up to a month or so... Although we are in the same field, i can do alot of my work remotely whereas she is based in a lab so needs to be there.. I completely take your opinions on board, and think putting a timeline on it is probs the best idea..

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DadBodAlready · 04/07/2022 15:31

@Europeanman42
TBH its horses for courses. I've been down that path. We made it work, but it wasn't easy or cheap (lots of travel). A lot will depend on YOUR UK commitments If they are going to last lots of years then forget it. If not shes stateside and you are in UK and really believe she's the one then do the long distance thing for a few yrs. But I strongly suggest you make the effort to visit regularly. If you don't she'll find her fun elsewhere.

Original poster

Europeanman42 · 04/07/2022 15:35

Thanks @DadBodAlready . Glad you made it work.. This was our original plan but the pandemic put a stop to it meaning we couldnt see each other for a year, hence the communication breakdown... We just have to hope that doesnt happen again...

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DadBodAlready · 04/07/2022 15:40

Europeanman42 · 04/07/2022 15:23

Thanks DPotter for your response... When i say prolonged periods i mean of up to a month or so... Although we are in the same field, i can do alot of my work remotely whereas she is based in a lab so needs to be there.. I completely take your opinions on board, and think putting a timeline on it is probs the best idea..

Show quote history

I saw this after my initial post ...... Few other things to consider ....

If your girlfriend is going for her GC she should clear that in 3 years. If you are still together then (and married) you can apply for same.

VISA should be non issue as a UK citizen you should be able to stay up to 90 days each trip.

As for your child would you consider boarding and could you afford it?
The only issue there is your child viewing it as putting your girlfriend first.

Watchkeys · 04/07/2022 15:50

In short, soulmates don't leave the country and dump each other.

Find a better soulmate. Essentially what you've said is that you get on, but she dumped you.

Original poster

Europeanman42 · 04/07/2022 15:50

DadBodAlready · 04/07/2022 15:40

I saw this after my initial post ...... Few other things to consider ....

If your girlfriend is going for her GC she should clear that in 3 years. If you are still together then (and married) you can apply for same.

VISA should be non issue as a UK citizen you should be able to stay up to 90 days each trip.

As for your child would you consider boarding and could you afford it?
The only issue there is your child viewing it as putting your girlfriend first.

Show quote history

Unfortunately boarding isnt a possibility as she mostly lives with her mum on the continent (i get over there every two weeks or so) but i wouldnt forgive myself only seeing her once or twice a year, so for now me moving stateside isnt a real option... GC could be possible in the future (distant) should she decide the best job opportunities are there, and i manange to get something too... But i do think trying for a couple of years LD and seeing how it goes is the best option for now, and just ensure i get over there as much as i can....

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Watchkeys · 04/07/2022 16:30

Why isn't it better to find a relationship with someone who doesn't have form for moving abroad in preference to staying in a relationship with you? She's obviously still not willing to prioritise being with you. You're calling her your soulmate, she's looking at you as someone not worth staying in the country for.

DadBodAlready · 04/07/2022 16:38

If your daughter is with your ex. It makes things easier, but looks like you have a plan, and one that will work, and one that will lead you to a decision one way or the other...

Good luck.

Original poster

Europeanman42 · 04/07/2022 17:02

Watchkeys · 04/07/2022 16:30

Why isn't it better to find a relationship with someone who doesn't have form for moving abroad in preference to staying in a relationship with you? She's obviously still not willing to prioritise being with you. You're calling her your soulmate, she's looking at you as someone not worth staying in the country for.

I had moved abroad previously- but only between europe and i could get back as much as i could as opposed to transatlantic... It was a once in a lifetime opportunity for her in terms of the US job, so i wasnt going to protest, and at the time we did not see a worldwide pandemic coming....

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Original poster

Europeanman42 · 04/07/2022 17:02

DadBodAlready · 04/07/2022 16:38

If your daughter is with your ex. It makes things easier, but looks like you have a plan, and one that will work, and one that will lead you to a decision one way or the other...

Good luck.

Thanks @DadBodAlready , much appreciated

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Watchkeys · 04/07/2022 17:03

Yes, but regardless of the history, she's still not prioritising being in a relationship with you. How can you see someone who behaves like this as your soulmate? She's actively telling you she won't prioritise you.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 04/07/2022 22:23

I hope it works out for you. But in my experience long-distance relationships are intensely painful and usually end in breaking up — only much sadder than you were before the LDR. Best of luck to you.