Disappointed in DH

[Derekscardigan]

So I have covid for the first time ever and it's floored me, have never felt this ill in the 20 years we have been together. DH is generally lovely, caring etc and we have a good marriage so the way he is being now I'm ill has come as a bit of a shock.

There's been no care or concern and I feel like he's doing the absolute bare minimum and is resentful even of that. I do tend to do the majority round the house because I'm at home and he works really hard but he's never been the sort to not pitch in when necessary which is why I'm so thrown by how he's been over the weekend. It's mainly the lack of care/concern that's bothering me though, it almost feels like he's angry with me for being ill.

I did try to talk to him about it last night but he got defensive, just reeled off the jobs he's had to do and pretty much ignored me saying I felt uncared for. I will accept I may be a bit over-emotional because I feel so shit, it's even upset me that he hasn't text or rung to see how I am today, but it's also making me a bit afraid for the future. Is this how he's going to be if my health fails when I'm older?

I'm really struggling with this new side to him after all these years and confused as to why he's being like this with me when he's always been caring with DC and other family members when they've been ill. I understand it's different when it's your partner, the person who helps keep life running but surely that shouldn't mean he just turns off all care, concern or love for me and it feels like that's exactly what he's done.

Hmm it's wierd how he's suddenely being uncaring but I would see this as red flag personally. It's a true test of someones character how someone reacts to things like this in my opinion. I'm really sorry OP 😞 It seems like he's done a 360 as soon your sick and all attention is on you and not him. Are you generally happy in the marriage apart from this situation? Is he usually attentive and loving towards you?

I'd just be careful because if god forbid you get sick again in future, what's he going to be like then? Abandon you when you need him most? It would make me question things for sure

This sounds like a strange question but how do you both 'see' Covid?

I mean is one of you more worried about it than the other, and the other one's much calmer about it in general?

Could he see it as though you've got very heavy, tiring cold type symptoms and therefore nothing you haven't suffered from before in the last 20 years?

It's never really been discussed TeapotTitties but he's been quite concerned when other family members have had it so I doubt he thinks I'm malingering. Neither of us has been more worried than the other, both fully vaxxed and reasonably calm throughout the pandemic but realistic about the risks I would say.

Hes just rung (as he normally would) to say he's on his way home, still no concern and got defensive again when I pointed it out, I just don't understand it.

Does he blame you for getting it? Does he think you could and should have been more careful? Perhaps he sees you as being irresponsible? (These are just questions I'm raising to perhaps explain his behaviour, I'm not accusing you of it myself).

Ask him, when you are calm and well, how he would cope if you were seriously ill.
It can happen to anyone. I had a sudden heart issue that lasted over 18 months and DH had to take over a lot of the shitwork AND look after me.
If he wont or cant support you in sickness or in health why the fuck did he marry you ?
I hope you feel better soon op.

Good question ImpartialMongoose but no, I'm a homebody and don't go anywhere risky, I caught it from DD who most likely caught it at a concert DH bought her tickets for so I don't think it's that.

I will certainly be asking that question when I'm well Pollydonia, and being very clear that I expect better.

Could it be he's inconvenienced by your illness and is now resentful he's having to do much more around the house? It's one thing if a relative is sick and all he has to do is sound concerned and sympathetic, maybe make a phone call, offer to run an errand or two for them, but another when DW gets ill and he has to take on most of her workload. Especially if she normally did most of the home stuff and life admin.
It amazes me how many men fail when they're expected to care for their wives.

I've heard of men in supposedly long and happy marriages who have walked out when their wives had cancer. I know a couple of them.
Everyone was stunned. I hope he wasn't one of those.

And don't blame yourself for being 'over emotional' when sick. You are perfectly entitled to expect your DH to step up and care for you. Him acting angry at you for daring to be sick probably sends a massage you shouldn't repeat this often as hes not prepared to this for you more than once.
I suggest you return the favour when the tables are turned.

I have a DH like this too. I don’t think it means he doesn’t care - he just doesn’t know how to show it

I had covid last week and it was Grim - but I still did a lot of washing up/ clothes washing as it felt like no other buggar was going to do it if I didn’t. DH did all the meals for everyone.

Hope you feel better soon OP. Don’t sack off your DH too soon - some people don’t ‘do’ illnesses as it makes them feel scared and out of control. He might make it up to you yet?

I've noticed in my own experience and the experiences of friends who have been ill or who have chronic conditions, that quite often their nearest and dearest do not take them seriously, assuming them to be exaggerating and yet will be full of empathy to the point of tears with somebody they met at the supermarket checkout with the exact same diagnosed condition. I've often wondered why this is.

OP even though your husband is showing you the opposite of empathy, you have mine and I wish you better soon.

I'm sorry you're feeling so grim. I hope you're on the mend soon!

I'm sad that he's letting you down, just when you need him the most.

id wait until I felt better/stronger, but we'd definitely be having a conversation about it & I would be seriously evaluating my relationship.

its not good enough, but a long way & it's destabilising to realise he may not have your back if you were to get cancer/heart problem etc or become disabled.

That might be sooner than he thinks kittyland, he's come home and said he thinks he's coming down with it now! I won't play tit for tat though, I'll do what I can to look after him and show concern in my usual way but I will be pointing out the disparity when we're both well again. I've only been ill for a couple of days and only really out of action for one day, yesterday. We usually have a fairly quiet day on a Sunday and literally all he had to do extra was feed our pets and clean up after them (maybe 15 minutes work), bring me a bowl of cereal up when I couldn't take any more paracetamol without eating something, and feed himself so hardly enough to feel resentful over.

And yes, I hope he's not one of those men too Shehasadiamondinthesky

I read this article when it was first published and it makes for grim reading...

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer

Yep i read that too.

Apparently also true for women who have had accidents and end up in hospital and the rehabilitation. It seems quite common for those men to walk out of their dwife whilst they are trying to out their life and body back together.

Too much work and not the future they wanted apparently.

Rather than assume your DH is not being supportive, is there a chance he's giving you the sort of care he would like if he were unwell?

I have Covid and it's really knocked me for six (I'm almost a week in but still feel exhausted, dizzy, no appetite etc). DH has picked up the practical things like walking the dog, cooking, cleaning etc but he isn't massively checking on me because when he's ill he hates a fuss so thinks he's giving me what I need.

Obviously if he isn't doing this or is treating you poorly, you need to speak up but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he just doesn't care.

Oh fgs OP please don't crawl back into doting, supportive wife mode. Show him what it feels like to be sick and ignored.

I had this with my usually wonderful DH when I got covid too. We had just moved into a new house and it was school holidays (DH is a teacher).
DH and my older two got it first quite mildly and then my toddler and I caught it and we were SICK. I was getting no sleep as I was up all night with a very sick toddler, DH was sleeping in a different room. DH was then sleeping in until at least 9.30 everyday and then buggering off doing house things (like sorting the nuts and bolts in the garage!) While I sorted our kids, literally didn't let me have ten minutes to sit on the couch. I think back to that time with shock and sadness. And obviously it took me months to recover because I had maybe 2 hours a day of broken sleep.

He's on the sofa under the blanket of doom now! I'm not doting Porcupineintherough, I'm just not willing to go against basic human decency to score points. I have just pointed out to him that I've shown him more concern in the few hours he's been home than he did for me all day yesterday. He had the decency to look shamefaced so I'm wondering now if he did think I was exaggerating after all, which is insulting in itself but maybe marginally better than simply not giving a shit. He's got some repair work to do when this is over that's for sure, he knows I won't accept less than I'm worth so I suspect he realises that.

OP,

It's very easy to sound concerned about others being ill when it doesn't impact you in the least.

Words mean nothing.
Actions count.

He chose to not give a damn about you when you were ill and was repeatedly defensive when you mentioned it.

I suspect you do everything for him, and he is just another selfish man who has shown you, with his actions, a big insight into his character.

It is well known in relationships, that you get a real glimpse of how deeply someone feels for you, when you are most weak and vulnerable.

He has shown you very clearly an insight into how he feels about you when YOU were sick.

You can get defensive about it, or you can reflect on this new knowledge.

He expects you to always be well and to always do everything.

Heaven forbid he is even slightly inconvenienced by you being very unwell.

By all means run around after him like the skivvy he clearly expects you to be, now that HE is ill.......very silly IMO.

But, I strongly suggest you don't get seriously ill.

He is not someone to depend on.

After 20 years together he couldn't find the kindness towards you, to step up and show his wife, and mother of his children, a bit of basic care and consideration when she was feeling awful.

Actions not words are what count in the real world.

Let this be a timely wake up call.

I hope you feel better soon.