How to be a good friend.

[Usernumber37374737985]

Apologies if not the right area.

I am early thirties and I've never had many friends. Always known a lot of people but no solid friendships, a popular loner. I consider myself a nice person, sometimes too nice, friendly and warm but I've never known how to sustain a friendship or keep it going. Not because I don't want to, I just don't know how. I have some serious self confidence issues and have convinced myself I'm not worthy of friendship in the past. Always feeling like I'm lesser than other people which I believe is trauma from deep rooted trauma in childhood which I won't go into.

I am also likely to be on the autism spectrum but not formally diagnosed. My children are both on the spectrum. I've realised I likely am too.

Also, I have always suffered with weight issues and my mother used to tell me no one would want to be friends with me if I was fat. She had the attitude that bigger meant lesser. we had a neighbour who admittedly was a bigger lady, every day she would act nice to her face but inside she would be like look at that fat laughing etc. Makes me paranoid what people say about me.

But at the same time she also pressurised me to be friends with certain people because she liked their parents or were rich or had a good family. She told me I wasn't allowed to be friends with certain kids because they were rough, had a disability, had a different religion to us, or their family wasn't idea of perfect - which is ironic considering ours was far from perfect. I met a girl who was in foster care, we actually got on well but my mum told me I mustn't be friends with her, another because she had a different religion. So I honestly just give up. I felt like I was going to be in trouble for being friends with them. I realised how wrong this was when I got older and had my own kids.

I don't know how to keep a friendship going. If someone asks me for a cuppa or asks to meet up with the kids, I never do as I feel like I'm not good enough. Dp tries to convince me that these people (mainly Individual school mums who have children with similar needs to mine, not groups of mums together as i couldn't deal with that) must really like me if they ask. I really like them too, I just don't know how to be a good friend.

for some reason, romantic relationships have never been an issue. Been in my good healthy relationship for 10 years. Dp doesn't have a great deal of friends either, we do suit each other. But it's friendships I struggle with.

I feel like a burden. An imposter who can never truly fit in.

i find I get on with people who are in similar situations to me (specially having children with sen or similar personalities to myself).

any advice? I feel like counselling would help but can't afford it! 😪

You're trying to be a good friend. Forget it. You're a nice person. You don't have to be anything more than that, and that comes naturally to you, so no trying needs to be involved.

You need to find people you're compatible with. Your partner is your friend, right? And you don't have to try to be anything other than what you naturally are?

What you feel is perfectly normal. We all suffer from FOMO - fear of missing out.

what I’ve learnt is not to compare yourself to others. It doesn’t matter if your friends with plain Jane rather than Popular Penny, And you prefer to discuss books rather than Beyoncé. Find friendships that suit you, not the image that your mother installed into you.

The other thing is that friendships can take a bit of work. I’m aware that I have to put the effort in. Threads like this usually get me contacting people suggesting meeting up for coffee etc. These invites don’t seem to come my way, I have to initiate them.

Another suggestion is, can you start a new hobby. It’s a good way of meeting people. Join a bookclub, WI, local tennis ladies group or local organisation connected to childrens sen needs. You will soon gain friendships and social activity through this.

wishing you all the best. Know how you feel.

You just need to be yourself, I know that can feel very difficult.

If someone extends an invitation, accept it. Have a good time and return the gesture by inviting them.

Alternate invitations are the logistical cogs of friendship. Same goes for communication by text/phone/email.

Share mutual interests and things you find funny. Take an interest in their lives and show you care about them. Respect their boundaries.

If you comfortable and are getting on with someone, you might wish to share that you believe you have ASD.

These invites don’t seem to come my way, I have to initiate them

This is true. I've moved about a bit and sometimes when instigating new friendships you have to put more in up front than you get out. It balances out though once you're friends.

Also, don't take it to heart if friendships don't work out. Can be for any number of reasons and usually more to do with them than you. Some friends come into our lives for just a short time, but that's OK.

Thank you. I think I need just give myself a push and put myself out there more. The people who have suggested meeting up seem very similar to me, where generally it's just them, their spouse and kids. Maybe they feel similar to me! 🤷‍♀️

6 weeks holidays soon. I've got closer to one particular mum, hoping to meet up a few times with the kids. She has 6, I have two but they all get on so well at school (her 3 younger kids) and have similar needs.

it's just every time I get close, I shut it down feeling like I'm not good enough! 😓

Ime neurodiverse people do tend to find each other :)

When you feel like shutting it down, try and be conscious of what you're feeling and remind yourself that it's ok to get close to people.

You must be able to do it or you'd not have ended up with your dp!

How do you shut it down, OP?

Surely you can just pull back (i.e. not be a full on 'new acquaintance'), gather yourself for a bit, then meet them again?

I would just take things one step at a time. A mom invites you..just go and don't think further than that. Do it simply because your dc will enjoy her dc. Don't let your mind runaway thinking about being a friend. These things develop over time so just treat her as an acquaintance and a bit of fun for you all. I genuinely have found the easiest way to make friends is to stop looking for them and just enjoy opportunities that come along.

Maybe treat it like a phobia - which it sounds like it basically is. Your mum has so indoctrinated you that you having friends is bad that it’s your automatic response. You need to recondition yourself!

outings with kids is great because always something else to focus on!

Also not only about you being a good friend but also about picking people you want to be friends with!