Rant to make me feel better about attitude to SAHM who still work

[danceswiththewolves]

DH used to have a female friend who was single, who was really anti having children. She caused a bit of an issue between me and DH because she came out with the old 'doesn't your wife work?' spiel, implying I was sponging. He actually fell for it because he accused me of not working when I was WFH.
DH and I worked this problem out over time but I felt like neither of them should have put me in the position of me having to justify myself. I think he feels quite ashamed about that period of his life.
Just want to rant that now she's in exactly the same position I was in. Two DC close in age, she's trying to maintain the business she ran before she had children, she's massively cut back on her work time to look after her DC.
I would just really, really hope now that she knows how hard it is to look after children and work at the same time that she remembers her attitude towards me and realises what a hypocrite she is. All SAHP who WFH part-time should be supported and not seen as spongers.

I think you should learn to care a little less about what other people outside of your own relationship think.

Otherwise where would it end?

YANBU and it’s amazing how women do this to one another! I have a relative who moaned and moaned about her male colleague who had to be home for bedtime and why couldn’t his wife who was a SAHM just do it all (with their multiple children). I was a SAHM at the time and thought just you wait…….

Lo and behold she is now not going back after maternity leave after baby number 2 and her DH is a hands on dad which means he does have to leave the office at a reasonable time!

I refrained from saying told you…

Are you sure it was her fault and your husband is as incapable of independent thought and so easily influenced as you think?

YANBU and it’s amazing how women do this to one another

um the person who actually did it was her husband.

And also incapable of seeing the OP's income?

@Swimmingpoolsally you're right, I'm not sure.
I'm not absolving my husband from it. Who knows what caused him to not see reality for what it was? It might have been him rather than her that started the ball rolling. It might have been mutual ego massaging about how hard they both worked.

Sounds like he was blaming her, for his feelings. Ultimate he’s responsible for his own actions unless there is a back story of him having additional needs. If he doesn’t then it’s him who saw you as the sponger. He is your issue.

He actually fell for it because he accused me of not working when I was WFH.

Where did he think your wages were coming from?

That's the bit I don't get?

A SAHP isn’t the same as one who works part time though. I’m very confused.

So you're saying that he had subconscious resentment and it only came to the surface when he had someone to bounce off? That's a very persuasive suggestion considering he was keen to keep me and her separate. He couldn't have complained about me to anyone else since they all know me and the would have thought it farcical.

SAHP who works part-time from home, i.e. fits in work around the DC, when they sleep for instance.

I don't get it either @TeapotTitties and he said he doesn't now know what he was thinking.

If you are working part time you aren't a SAHM. It doesn't matter whether it's 15 hours a day shift once a week or 3 hours every day. It doesn't matter whether you work at night, noon or morning.
A wife or husband can't be sponging by staying at home or working less hours because whatever is earned is family money.

This random woman is the least of your problems.

Your DH doesn't sound great- either easily led or else blaming his friend for his nasty attitude. Glad to hear he's not so bad now but it would put me off, sorry.

Your DH has pulled a fast one if he’s managed to somehow convince you that his unreasonable behaviour is somehow his female friend’s fault.

And even if you weren’t working from home it’d be no issue as long as that’s what you and he decided. Stay at home parents aren’t “sponging”, they’re providing round the clock childcare and housework so that the working partner can focus on work.

@danceswiththewolves You are a part time working mum with a work from home job.

You are not a SAHM.

As pedantic as that seems it is relevant as you do work. So you contribute to the family pot financially.

TBH, the whole thing is silly. The woman and your husband are pathetic if they actually belittled you because you didn’t work. Equally it could have been you being oversensitive. You sound smug now now so I’d forget about it.

“All SAHP who WFH part-time should be supported and not seen as spongers.”

What about SAHP who don’t work at all? They also need support.

Are you sure you don’t agree with your husband and the woman? With such a contentious topic, I would be careful with wording.

So you're saying that he had subconscious resentment and it only came to the surface when he had someone to bounce off?

actually no, I’m saying he is fully aware of his resentment just didn’t wish to tell you it was him who had the issue and perceived you as that and so blamed her. It’s not uncommon an approach wirh sone folks.

the reality is even if this woman did say something he could easily have said nah she works and does child care, she’s full on. He didn’t. He accused you basically of laying around and sponging off him. The woman is irrelevant. It’s all him.

I don't see how anyone can work at all if they're looking after small children at home. If a person WFH the kids should be in childcare.

Aaaanyway..... (moving swiftly past all the derails)

Karma has struck, OP. Allow yourself a quiet smile, and then get on with your life.

That would make sense @Swimmingpoolsally apart from the fact that there was 'evidence' for want of a better word, that I work. AFAIK he never said anything similar to anyone else and he never displayed any resentment ever to my face.

Haha thanks x

AFAIK he never said anything similar to anyone else and he never displayed any resentment ever to my face.

But he did display it to your face. He came right out with it. Ok he pretended he was passing it on from his “friend” but it was him to you.

Wait what! He deliberately kept you two apart but he conveniently let you know that she didn’t approve of you being at home, hmmm.

I remember my Ex telling me repeatedly what his friends thought of me. I strongly suspect that ‘their’ opinions were his and the spineless fu€# didn’t have de balls to say it to me directly. I told him that I gave zero fu£@s about the ill informed opinions of people who didn’t know me.