Recently told my XH that I’m dating.. turning sour

[anxietyandhope]

Hi everyone, just looking for a bit of advice.. XH and I were married for 6 years, very difficult with lots of verbal abuse stemming from unchecked mental health problems and alcohol abuse on his part, which resulted in depression and (I’m sorry to say) a mental health emergency on my part. I spent a number of years seeking counselling (when I still wanted to try) and then spent about 18 months telling him the marriage was over with him in the spare room throughout. Almost two years ago he moved out and we are legally separated. We have two young children and I have ensured he has excellent access to them. Given the legal separation and that we have separate homes and lives (no crossover with friends etc) I have decided to move on and have begun dating someone.

I recently told him that I am dating and whilst the initial reaction was “good for you”, I now wake up to missed FaceTime calls in the middle of the night and text messages saying that I should take down all photos of him in the house (they are only up for the children) , that I cannot call him by his shortened name (EG full name Matthew and short version Matt* not his real name FYI) and now a barrage of messages saying he is extremely uncomfortable around me now and that I should not have invited him in for dinner (for Fathers Day two week ago at the request of the kids!!!) etc.

I’m no longer active of Facebook (where we are FB friends) and post mainly on a private instagram account that he cannot access, but I now see that he has been viewing my LinkedIn profile online.

I know in the grand scheme of things that these are all trivial but, I have a really bad feeling about this. When I was ending the marriage he refused to let go and I genuinely thought that almost two years into a separation he would have moved on? I’m very nervous for my new partner and not sure now what to do?

The biggest fear now is my children, I know they are his children too and he has a lot of physical access to them and I would never deny him or them that, he’s their dad after all, but, I’m concerned at what he might do/ say to them? He is extremely quick to anger and drinks very regularly.

Any helpful advice is really appreciated! Thank you!

For starters - I think you need to keep your personal life separate from him. And should not have told him you are dating as it has nothing to do with him, given his temper and other issues. But it’s too late now.

At this point, I’d first actually sort out actual divorce - sounds like you aren’t yet formally divorced and maybe it’s something he is holding on to.
In parallel - I’d try to diffuse the situation by not reacting or provoking him. I’d ignore his calls and texts on the matter and keep it all about logistics and arrangements.
I’d also closely monitor his sobriety when he comes to get/drop off kids, and if there are any signs of concern, or kids mention anything - I’d not hesitate to protect kids from any negative reactions from him.
At this point - protecting the kids is the priority. If he lashes out at you - as an adult you can defend yourself; but kids can’t without your help.

Hi Jsku, I agree that it’s none of his business that I am dating but, I am considering introducing my new partner to the children (by way of play dates/ this is my “friend”) to gauge their reaction to him and given we share children I didn’t think it would be appropriate to blindside XH with this.

Unfortunately the laws in Ireland are pretty archaic regarding divorce and there’s a very long waiting period coupled with solicitor & courts overload so while divorce has been initiated it’s moving at glacial pace…!

I'd make it clear with hom that calling you at all hours is not on and that if it continues you will report him for harassment. Save a screenshot of you telling him this incase you do need to get police involved.

Don't reply to any messages that aren't about the kids. Don't tell him anything about your private life.

Tbh I'd be doing all I could to get full custody. Drunken, crazy, nasty bullies do not belong anywhere near children. Better no father than an abusive one.