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Relationships

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Original poster

Please tell me it's possible to have a relationship when you've got kids and not be a step parent...

24 replies

Angryatlife · 04/07/2022 07:55

My husband and I will soon separate. We have a 3 and 6 year old. I don't want them to have a step parent and I definitely don't want to be a step parent. It just all seems too messy. We will probs go 60/40 custody to me.

Is it still possible to have a relationship?

I don't really want a live in partner it's too anoying and I definitely don't have the time, energy or space to look after more children.

OP posts:

Devotedcatslave · 04/07/2022 07:57

Of course it is possible to have a relationship. It sounds like you will have plenty of child free time. It will just mean the relationship can't really progress beyond the dating stage until your DC are older and independent.

Squashpocket · 04/07/2022 07:59

You might not have any control over whether they have a step parent if your ex gets a new partner.

ilovelurchers · 04/07/2022 08:04

If your daughter has seen his family (who I assume he still lives with?) over face time, and if you know their address and contact details and she checks in with you regularly while she is there, then I really do think it will be fine. It seems like all possible reasonable precautions have been taken. You can never make her 100% safe unfortunately, so I think the best you can do (actually) is educate her in how to live her life sensibly and taking necessary precautions, but also not too scared to ever do anything.

I do sympathise with your anxiety over this tho, and you sound like a lovely caring mom.

ilovelurchers · 04/07/2022 08:05

Argh wrong thread - ignore me!

BigFatLiar · 04/07/2022 08:06

Sure it is. But you may find that its difficult to sustain for any period if he actually wants to have a proper relationship. You may end up in a series of relationships or once the children are older in a relationship with someone who's happy for it continue as a part time affair.

If you want a relationship why not a permanent one? I personally wouldn't have accepted a relationship where I wasn't good enough for the children.

CalistoNoSolo · 04/07/2022 08:07

It isn't the law that you have to live with the person you're having sex with. You can shape your new relationship however you want. When I split with my husband I knew that nobody would be moving in until my child went to uni. That's in a couple of years off now, but my boyfriend of 8yrs is happy and has a great relationship with my child. More importantly my child is happy and secure and has never been made to feel she comes second to anyone.

YesNoMaybeNot · 04/07/2022 08:09

My husband and I will soon separate. We have a 3 and 6 year old. I don't want them to have a step parent .

You have no say. Sounds quite controlling tbh.

GreyCarpet · 04/07/2022 08:14

Yes. Especially if you have almost 50/50 split parenting.

My ex was an EOW dad and we split when my youngest was 6. She's now nearly 16 and I've just entered into a 'proper' relationship but I have had flings and dated along the way. But it was my choice to do it that way. I could have had a relationship if I'd wanted.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 04/07/2022 08:18

You don’t get to say whether they have a step parent. Chances are that they will, as most men need an emotion support human to help them with the domestic drudge when they become a single dad.

As for you, of course there will be men with no DCs or who don’t spend much time with theirs etc. so there’s no saying you have to become a SM.

I spent 9 years with someone and while I tried to make it a big blended family in the beginning, it became clear that this wouldn’t work due to wildly different parenting styles etc so I took a step back and barely spent any time with his DC in later years. However this was a bone of contention for him and when we recently talked about potentially getting back together it was one of the reasons he cited for not wanting to - he wants someone to love his DCs (I told him to try his ex, their mum).

Lesleyann13 · 04/07/2022 11:35

I have been through this experience. I have been on a quite a few dates over the years but found it too difficult when my child was younger. I did get into a relationship with a guy that had 2 young kids and I found that difficult. He always wanted me to go to his house because it was more convenient so that did not work out. My daughter is almost 9 now and I have decided to just focus on our lives together. If something happens naturally that’s fine but I’ve found it a bit of a headache to be honest. I don’t mind waiting until she is more independent. I find when you are looking you attract the wrong type of people.

Original poster

Angryatlife · 04/07/2022 11:45

I should have explained I don't mean they can't have a step mum...that is absolutely not upto me.

@Lesleyann13 you're right. I don't want to be on the look out and attract the rong type. I'm just going to focus on my children and then see what happens.

I don't like the concept of it only being a "proper" relationship if it means conventional rules.

OP posts:

supercali77 · 04/07/2022 11:50

You dont need conventional rules. If you look on the dating thread on here there are plenty who've decided to keep home and relationship seperate for the most part until kids are older. It doesn't make their relationships any less important to them. Plenty of single men in a similar position and mindset

Howdoidoit100 · 04/07/2022 11:57

I have 2 kids with my ex and have been in a relationship for 5 years. We dont live together and don't plan to until the kids have flown the nest. He doesn't have kids. This works for us.

Dancingwithhyenas · 04/07/2022 12:01

I know lots of people in relationships like this. Where they see them primarily on their ‘days off’ from day to day parenting. Gradually most have intergrated a bit especially for big things like birthdays and Christmas but still kept living separately. It might work well.

Original poster

Angryatlife · 04/07/2022 12:07

@supercali77 thank you.

@Howdoidoit100 sounds good to me.

@Dancingwithhyenas thanks

OP posts:

Lesleyann13 · 04/07/2022 12:35

All the above sounds really good to me too. I’m yet to meet someone who would be happy with that arrangement. The relationship I did have 2 years ago he wanted to enmesh our families because he had full custody of his 2 kids. Think he just wanted a baby sitter to be honest and I was well over the toddler years. Didn’t want to start again.

altmember · 04/07/2022 13:07

Of course you can have a new partner without them having to be a step parent. That's how all relationships start - you don't suddenly become a step parent the moment a relationship becomes 'official'. It's a role, not a position. But equally it's not something to fear.

XmasElf10 · 04/07/2022 13:12

I have an 11 year old DD, divorced 4 years. 3 years ago I decided to date for a bit of fun, met a lovely guy with older kids (youngest was 15 at the time) and we dated casually. Then we dated exclusively. Now I consider him my long term partner. He didn’t meet my DD at all until a year in and then he was just a “friend”. Now our relationship is fully understood by my DD and family / friends. We holiday together and I see him most weekends and a few evenings a week. Our plans don’t extend to Co-habiting. DD wouldn’t like it and to be honest I’m not sure I would either.

We did discuss our future plans very early on and we’re both clear in not wanting to live together. DD really likes my OH and refers to him as “Uncle” - we have a few odd Aunts and Uncles in the family with no blood relation and it’s a term of endearment. He does zero parenting, he’s just nice to her, chats with her and gives her birthday and Xmas presents (a bit like a kindly uncle!)

GlitteryGreen · 04/07/2022 13:23

It's definitely possible, but bear in mind that most people will want a relationship to move forward and usually the only way to do that is to meet the children, otherwise it can become really difficult to spend time together.

Also, there is a wide range of 'step parent' - my DP has 2 children and still spends most of his time with them without me as he normally stays with them at his mum's, but we get on completely fine, go on holiday together, celebrate birthdays together etc and they are really comfortable with me. Doesn't always have to be all or nothing :)

BadNomad · 04/07/2022 13:51

Of course it's possible. Step-parenting is a relationship. Any new partners don't need to have a step-parenting relationship with your children. They will just be "mum's boyfriend" or even husband. They might spend time together, but it doesn't mean he has to take on parenting role.

BiscoffSundae · 04/07/2022 13:54

This is why I don’t want to date again, now that I have kids I been told that I won’t be able to meet a man without kids and I just don’t want to be a step mum I also don’t want to look after anyone else’s kids, think I will just have to stay single

Lesleyann13 · 04/07/2022 14:01

It is possible to date but most people I’ve met are just not the right fit. I think if you meet someone with older kids who is happy just to see you occasionally it could work. I wouldn’t want to get involved with anyone with younger kids. I think once your child gets to teen years it gets easier too. My daughter is not yet 9 so a few years to go. I have busy life, don’t get me wrong I sometimes do miss having that someone but it’s not the end of world.

thethreemuskateers · 04/07/2022 14:41

I’m not a huge fan of blended families but unfortunately my 4 year old has been thrown into one after my ex decided to move in with his new partner and her two children.

He has said he doesn’t want to be there step father, they don’t speak him which I find bizarre. My son has picked up that the oldest doesn’t like Dad, as the son tells his Dad to ‘shut up’

The whole set up is a joke, it’s made me extremely over protective I certainly won’t be rushing into my children meeting or living with another man and I’ve got my own children to raise so won’t be raising anybody else’s.

Original poster

Angryatlife · 04/07/2022 15:02

@XmasElf10 that sounds like a lovely set up.

To the ones saying most people will want it to progress I just can't see why a man would want to live with me and my children. It seems it would be better for me and him to live separate.

OP posts:

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