Role of dh in my anxiety and how best to move forward

[Flippinghecklike]

I will try to cover this as quickly as possible whilst including all the most relevant details to avoid drip feeding. I am partly sharing to figure it out in my own head and partly for advice.
My husband is a good man. He is kind, he is intelligent, he works hard in a job he hates to provide and he is the best father I know. Domestically, he is neither practical (to the extreme - think putting dripping wet jumpers back hanging in a tight packed closed wardrobe when I once asked him to hang out a wool wash) nor particularly interested, but does every school drop off and bedtime. We both work full time, and I do all school collections all meal planning, shopping and cooking, laundry and putting away, kids admin like calendars, presents etc and all the cleaning. We did have a cleaner at the start of the first lockdown who we kept paying but she moved away so we have not had a cleaner in years til this week. I wanted to get a new one but he said we couldn't afford it which we probably couldn’t and still probably cant. The problem is I have to leave for work at half six each day and dont get back til after six with the kids so am often ironing or cleaning when he goes to bed and often leave before he gets up.
Typically I am quite cheerful and I have also been worried about him as he has hated his job so much and I havent wanted him to be even more stretched so initially got on with things. Periodically and increasingly so though I have raised this and the need to share the load more, telling him I am tired and not coping. I only do this when I really feel I am not coping and sometimes end up crying and I think probably sound like I’m just having a bad day. Either way, it never changes anything - he agrees, makes a general commitment, does some more for a bit then it just slips back. Anything to do with what the kids or we are doing when goes into a calendar on the wall and our shared google calendar and he will still ask me details several times which doesnt sound so bad but just feels like more work and less responsibility for him. He took our son to the wrong pool for his first new set of lessons - he has only ever had lessons at one pool and I still don’t understand how that happened. He got us tickets for my favourite band but we missed them because he missed several emails about the change of date. More often than not if he has a business trip or trip with friends he will ask me where his passport is and I will find it but feel responsible for not checking he put it in the usual place when we last came back. I generally feel if I haven't triple checked everything there is a significant chance things will go wrong if I am not in charge and I dont want it to be like this.
Ive been getting more upset more often and since jubilee weekend think it is likely I would be described as mentally unwell. I have a history of health and generalised anxiety and I am currently hugely worried about some issues I am desperate for help with but he is in a v difficult position as he isnt supposed to let me reassurance seek or fuel the fire. Even so, unless I sit him down and beg him to talk to me about the plan for addressing the mental health stuff if not the physical things I am scared about he doesnt really. It cant be much fun or easy being married to me, but one of the exercises I recently did for the therapist I am seeing was a questionnaire about essentially having an inflated sense of control and responsibility that fuels the anxiety. The problem is, I dont feel I have a choice but to feel responsible for everything- I manage our finances, everything in the house, my job which I am increasingly crap at, my mental health, everything the kids need. I cant work out if it is a legitimate objection or the anxiety being crafty as it is to say “i do need to take responsibility for investigating all my health worries because how can I only be worrying because of an inflated sense of responsibility and simultaneously be trusted to be responsible for everything else despite asking not to be repeatedly.”
This weekend I went away for one night for my best friend’s son’s christening and he stayed with the kids. It was lovely but I am on new anxiety meds and generally “not myself” so found it exhausting. He called in the afternoon, absolutely cheerfully not demandingly but checking when I was back after I had told him many times and mentioning he needed to do a work call but could sort it. When I got back I tried to explain I felt he was implying I had made it hard for him to do the work call but he said he was just thinking out loud. I couldn't stop crying and think just gave the impression I was having an anxiety episode but he didn't engage really- he gets stressed when am like that and clams up.
I have an appt with a specialist today that I am so scared about. I am scared almost all the time and am desperate not to be but cant find the rational space between taking responsibility for my health worrries vs my mental health worries and have some no doubt unhelpful residual feminist resentment about wholesale accepting it is just all mental like others seem to think when that goes against my instincts and I am not only trusted but expected to be exceptionally responsible in every other area of our life.
I cant see how we move forward when every time I express what I think are sensible concerns I can be gently ignored as hysterical, or how I can move forward with a mental health problem, which I really hope is a mental health problem not the various physical things that terrify me, whilst this marriage is this way.
Does any of this make sense? Does anyone have any advice? X

I appreciate that this might sound very flippant, but are you actually mentally ill, or are you just understandably struggling with having to be the only responsible adult in the house?

You are right that things do need to be done daily and can’t just be left for a few days, especially when small children are involved, who need feeding, clothing, and a reasonably clean house. How much easier would your life be if your DH wasn’t living with you, and couldn’t create stress by messing things up? If you were fully responsible for everything and not having to rely on someone so unreliable (whatever the cause may be)?

I am finding this really interesting - I have a broadly similar situation with my DH, although he is in no way as inept as yours. Once a task is on his radar, he does it in a rigid routine style way (eg shirts ironed weekly in one go). He has clear tasks he’s responsible for. But for anything that requires, shall we say, thought - not so much. I can’t trust him, basically. He handles no life admin at all. And I am mentally maxed out.

We moved house a few years ago and got a joint account, and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to divide the load more evenly. But if I’m not in charge of whatever it is, it simply doesn’t get done properly. So like, I asked him to pay a tradesperson’s invoice from our joint account. We then get chased for late payment. Turns out he didn’t realise you have to pay the VAT.🙄

I’ve been asking him for over two years now to get online access to the kids’ savings accounts. It’s the sort of thing where the bank tell you to phone the helpline and the helpline tell you to go into the branch. Maddening, and requiring a degree of persistence to get sorted. He still hasn’t done it.

He would never think to challenge an unusually high bill (eg water bill/leak). If someone comes to quote for a job, he would always take what they say at face value.

If he was merely apathetic about life admin and the state of the house, I could live with that. But he wants stuff doing and sorting. It’s just that he wants me to do it. He would say that I won’t let him as I don’t think he’d do it properly and there’s some truth in that. But he would never take the initiative.

I had CBT for anxiety a few years ago. The therapist thought I was controlling. Partly as I said I just couldn’t allow him to spend thousands from our joint finances on low-priority home improvements that weren’t necessarily needed when we need the money for other more important and urgent stuff. Make of that what you will. But I absolutely believe your situation is fuelling your anxiety. I just don’t have any quick win suggestions for what to do about it.

@EllieQ i dont think it sounds flippant: I have wondered about this myself! I think the answer is that prior to meeting him I have had some degree of anxiety in my life, episodically more than chronically, and my mind does go towards catastrophe when things are tricky BUT it definitely doesnt help living with him. My anxiety is health related and my therapist has suggested I am scared of leaving the kids behind more than anything which is true: they would be loved and cherished but I’d be terrified about how well theyd be practically actually cared for if I wasnt around.

I dont have the energy for writing lists of tasks or managing him - I am on anxiety meds which make me pretty dopey and theyve just increased the dose. Will see what the biopsy comes back with, wait for the pain from that to pass (rather a sensitive place!), see was therapist says and just keep interaction minimal for a bit to avoid getting teary again. One day at a time.

One day at a time is good for right now. But long term this man is draining you.

My Dh is similar, being assessed currently for ADHD etc.
I've wracked by brains over the years trying to work him out, it's so draining and often easier to just get on with things yourself.
But over time, the resentment builds. Your partner should be there for you, but it always feels one sided.
I can't trust him or rely on him, so am making plans to leave. Been let down too many times to count, all while he talks the talk and promises he'll change, step up, get promoted, write things down, make more effort, yaya yada yada. Every time he forgets something or does a job slap dash, it feels like yet another piece of my dignity/ boundaries has been chipped away at.
Not sure a formal diagnosis is gonna help.
I consider myself mentally strong generally, but feel it has affected me mentally and physically. So with anxiety, he must be adding to that as you have to step up for everyone, that's a lot, Maybe your brain is screaming for you to protect yourself by cutting him loose?!

It's not just training him to get on and do stuff that's difficult. it is also pretty hard to train yourself to stop caring so much about everything and thinking it is your responsibility.

For instance - his passport. Not only do you take responsibility for finding it for him, you feel guilty that you didn't check where he'd put it the last time he came back. His passport and its whereabouts are not your responsibility. Nor are any of his other belongings.

Next time he asks you where something is, remember it is not your responsibility. You shake your head and say "I don't know, sorry", and you let him get on with looking for it.

Reading your OP I got a strong feeling that your husband is a real problem in your life (and would be in anybody’s), and makes everything you try to do more difficult. To be perfectly honest, it sounds like your husband is a major cause of your anxiety rather than someone who can help you out of it. Does your therapist know what he’s like? The therapist sounds unhelpful. Would you be willing to see a different one to see if they recommend different approaches? Both your husband and therapist have convinced you that the problem is you, that you’re faulty and need to fix yourself. From what you’ve written I think OK, you’ve been diagnosed with anxiety, but your husband is causing you a lot of difficulties.

Your husband’s behaviour really does sound like strategic incompetence, not a lack of mental organisation. Putting soaking wet jumpers in the cupboard is very, very obviously not right.

Therapist helpful. He is more a cbt / practical strategies than relationships person but I read him this post and asked if he thought i could get well staying as we are.

He told me he thought we needed to talk this through in terms of strategies etc and could we do that next week not this week so he could prepare more fully - in fairness he has met dh before few times (all sessions are online and have asked him to join to help me remember the strategies) and seen him be calm, loving, available and Ive never raised this before. In the past month I have self diagnosed I think north of six different serious illnesses so have been pretty clearly irrational and I think I really did bring new information to the session today.

For now am just going on a go slow. Am too tired to argue but have shown him this, he hasn’t disputed it and I have told him I cant be close with him or trust him because I risk being hurt again - he doesnt even really regularly suggest simple things like watching telly together or a glass of wine or tea together. I think he thinks he loves me but it doesnt matter any more, I cant see a way back from how let down I feel. This thread gave me the confidence to speak openly with my mum about how things have been for how long. She was lovely and added that she thought the last time when I was this acutely anxious and worried about irrational things it was the first lockdown summer and she thought it was because with the cleaner off and me doing my job online plus majority of childcare, home schooling and all housework to keep him free to do this god awful job he has made minimal efforts to leave. She didnt realise it hadnt got better.

From now on: I depend on me.

You are right that things do need to be done daily and can’t just be left for a few days, especially when small children are involved, who need feeding, clothing, and a reasonably clean house. How much easier would your life be if your DH wasn’t living with you, and couldn’t create stress by messing things up? If you were fully responsible for everything and not having to rely on someone so unreliable (whatever the cause may be)?

I agree with what @EllieQ said.

Honestly what is he bringing to your life apart from a huge amount of stress? You poor thing, it sounds like crap, trying to deal with all of that, on your own.
I would really be evaluating your marriage and considering if it's effectively over.

Am really sorry OP about your situation. Whilst you have your own health issues which you are taking responsibility for, your dh isn’t taking responsibility for himself.
I second other p who’ve mentioned add or adhd. It’s an explanation but not a reason to behave like this
I live with a H similar to yours and 4 months ago I just stopped functioning for him. I function only for my dd and myself. I’ve had to for my own sanity. I also have therapy sessions which have being helping me see that I exist for myself rather than existing just to fill another adult’s needs for 5 yrs.
And to echo @Sisiwawa formal diagnosis won’t help unless they’re willing to take responsibility. It’s being nearly 3yrs since my H was diagnosed (ADHD) but has categorically refused to get any sort of help.
look after yourself as that’s key right now. Focus on your needs and not on the many times he lets you down. This will stave off resentment albeit it’s very likely that some has already built up already. Resentment leads to contempt which can sometimes lead to spite or rage. So keep looking after your emotional well-being as you’re already doing.

Thankyou Gioia1, very kind of you.
My resentment is beyond repair now, rage has consumed me (Internally) at times, no way back now. I've given up.
He's a bit lazy and set in his ways, 50 yrs old, so doubt if he'll implement the strategies fully...his promises never lead to anything.
Flippinghecklike - great that you could open up to your Mum, she's slightly more detached so can offer a reality check and wants the best for you.
Rely on yourself now and listen to your gut.

Thanks both for the kind words. I showed him this thread and he agreed with it all and is trying.

It is going to be a long journey. We dont have a car and so we do our big shop online - currently around 140-170 pw which I manage carefully as until second out of childcare each month quite tight. As I am out of the house more with work whilst he mainly wfh I said it would really help - in response to asking for a job he could take to help - if he booked a delivery slot - I had already done the basket. He said he would but left it a few days by which time extra regulars were added that I didnt realise (we have things on monthly / weekly etc) and he just checked it out - 320 quid. We are paid mid month and so are close to month end and this makes things a bit tricky. He said he thought it seemed expensive but trusted I had done the basket and didnt want to create more work by asking me about it. It is fine: almost all big bulk buy stuff like pasta, dishwasher and laundry stuff not anything that we will waste. We actually dont have enough soace for a lot of it and he coulent work out how to put it all away so I spent over an hour after work reorganising cupboard and then meal planning afresh to fit it all in and ensure none of thr fresh stuff wasted. I just feel really tired.

It is hard though. One of the cbt things I have to do for my health anxiety / ocd is a tick sheet for statements which I have to read then tick whether i strongly agree, agree, disagree etc. One of the statements is something like “If I don't check every detail it will end in disaster and be my fault” I think that is true but I don't think it is delusional. I don't feel like that at work or anything. Equally, my current health anxiety relates to a cancer I probably, rationally don't have but on some level am convinced I have / am about to get / will die of. I am simultaneously self aware enough to see this is displaced anxiety about my family not being ok without me and genuinely brought to tears daily albeit briefly with terror about this. Part of the cbt is to look at evidence for my fears and evidence against them is that calm, rational people would not worry in my position but the only person who knows about it all to be able to confirm that is dh who wouldn't worry if he was on fire.

I do feel detached from all this on this new double dose of mirtazapine but it cant go on. I know I need to delegate more and each time explain more eg ocado regulars etc not just give up. Problem is, whilst he learns how to step up I also need to work c50 h a week, plus 10h commuting, about 8 h domestic stuff and pretty challenging but urgent work on my mental health. All whilst feeling like I am on horse tranquilisers. And talking myself down from (i hope but cant fully believe) irrational fears of life limiting illness.

I really do know so so so many people have it worse, not least those genuinely facing real illness and feel like a real knob for all this, but I really am running on fumes.

I think I’d be giving him simple one step tasks that don’t involve frequent changes, communication with you or independent thought. Like all the level one stuff. Then leave the level two stuff for you.

booking the online shop when you had put items on the order was probably not a good choice OP, too much room for error, too many variables. It’s a task you’d already half started too.

level one tasks..
take bins out
strip bed and remake it
make packed lunches
take kids to school/activities
collect kids from school/activities
get kids up and dressed for school/breakfast etc
cook dinner and clean up
mow lawn
do garden
clean the blah blah
hoover
wipe surfaces
read school books with kids
do homework with kids

etcetc

I'm not sure if you read mentally unwell as you think you are OP. It sounds like you're out the house for 12 hours a day and then have to organise 2 kids, household chores, and all the mental loss of organising everything your husband has fucked up. That would make most people feel extremely mentally exhausted and anxious, especially with no acknowledgement that you are running everything on no evergy. You don't have an 'inflated sense of responsibility', you literally are responsible for everything, or it wouldnt get done. I'm not saying that you dont have other issues, but I'm saying a lot of people without any diagnosed issues would feel the same as you. I wonder if you split if you would actually feel better as youd have one less person to run around after and not have the constant feeling of being let down.

Are there any tasks you can give him every day. Every single day so there is no confusion about when or how to do it.

It cant be much fun or easy being married to me, but one of the exercises I recently did for the therapist I am seeing was a questionnaire about essentially having an inflated sense of control and responsibility that fuels the anxiety.

You'd be more fun to be married to if he didn't leave you to shoulder all of the responsibility for the relationship, family life and your home.

You'd be a lot less anxious too.

Strategic incompetence is his default mode and yours is a deep sense of responsibility and accountability. That is a toxic mix because it brings out the worst in him and is sure to breed anxiety, resentment and frankly exhaustion for you.

I'm neuro divergent. Diagnosed ADHD and bipolar. So I, as an adult, have ensured that I have researched and put into action coping mechanisms that mean me being ND doesn't mean my partner's life is unhappy. Where I simply can't do certain things, I suggest solutions and follow them through as a team with him.

One partner's mental health doesn't trump the other's.

I'm not sure if you read mentally unwell as you think you are OP. It sounds like you're out the house for 12 hours a day and then have to organise 2 kids, household chores, and all the mental loss of organising everything your husband has fucked up. That would make most people feel extremely mentally exhausted and anxious, especially with no acknowledgement that you are running everything on no evergy. You don't have an 'inflated sense of responsibility', you literally are responsible for everything, or it wouldnt get done. I'm not saying that you dont have other issues, but I'm saying a lot of people without any diagnosed issues would feel the same as you. I wonder if you split if you would actually feel better as youd have one less person to run around after and not have the constant feeling of being let down.

Absolutely this.

The way you are being treated by your husband... it totally makes sense you are burned out mentally, emotionally and physically. He shows no intention to support you or change. Further, you are being gaslit by your counsellors who are trying to convince you that you are controlling and the problem! Actually, it sounds like your husband is the controlling one. He has it all set up so you do all the work, and he pulls the strings that keep you feeling responsible for it all. I think you need to speak to women's aid to find out if the explanation for you feeling mentally ill is actually that you are in an abusive relationship.

Honestly, he's behaving badly and you're enabling it. Just stop before you break.
You don't need therapy, you need a partner who shares the load instead of dumping it all on you.

He's not a good or a kind man. He's a user and a taker and is happily watching you go under with the strain. His bumbling inefficiency is little more than an act.

I really see why people are having the reactions they have given what I have shared. I am certain none of his behaviour is planned and less so abusive. Careless yes but he is categorically not manipulative and does cause himself not just me a lot of stress with how he is but simply is not self aware enough to see it.

The counsellor has only ever worked with info I have given him and we only started talking about my marriage this week - previously he has given me strategies for working through fears I had harmed my child accidentally (during lockdown, and i hadnt), and then this time that i have poisoned myself, had various cancers etc so understandably thinks i have an anxiety disorder and is exploring the delusional beliefs fuelling that which I am now wondering might both predate and have been exacerbated by my aspects of my marriage.

I just want to be clear this is hard and I do think my dh needs to take more responsibility but it is dysfunctional rather than abusive. He is always kind, never anything but softly spoken and gentle, plays so well with the kids and really I do think might be doing his best. That might be the saddest thing really because I cant see how it improves but dont want to leave a good man I love because he is so exceptionally impractical and unreliable. It feels equal parts heartbreaking and ridiculous.

One of the statements is something like “If I don't check every detail it will end in disaster and be my fault” I think that is true but I don't think it is delusional.

The delusional part if you want to call it that is that it would be your husband's fault not yours if you didn't check something he was responsible for. You have learned to compensate for his shortcomings and it's taking its toll on you.

I really do feel for you, it must be exhausting.

I have a husband who similarly causes me anxiety. I used to have call him at work to remind him he has a work conference call at say 2pm. He has no sense of time and is easily distracted, so I had to spend a lot of mental energy on him as well.

He doesn’t have ADHD, but is very forgetful. When things are important to him, he is less forgetful, and will do things properly. Things for me/important to me, more likely to forget and will be unfinished/slapdash. He is also lazy. On the other hand he will do things without even telling me or consulting, and he doesn’t pay attention to detail. Or leaves things to the last minute or procrastinates. These together can make me very anxious, and he tells me I am catastrophising. It’s the lack of control of my own life that makes me like this. I have turned into a completely different person than I was 20 years ago.

It sounds like you need to talk to your therapist about the things you have discussed on this thread. May be it’s chicken and egg. It could be the anxiety caused by having to do every thing in life (and having to preempt your DH fucking up all the time) is leading to a sense of loss of control in your own life, leading to catastrophising in general.

it sounds like you opened with the therapist about catastrophising about things out side your control (cancer), and he’s working back from that, which may be the wrong way around.

Wether or not your husband is using weaponised incompetence, or it is just plain incompetence - he MUST up his game. Others have said it’s possible to do this inspite of being neuro diverse. It sounds like the last issue (online food order) was just down to procrastination, which is a common problem to us all.

I was on mirtazine for a while, but my body didn’t get used to it and it did feel like horse tranquillisers.

I don’t want to be the timid, unsure and anxious person I’ve become anymore. I am leaving my husband.