Flags?

[Martin85]

Hi, but different but I just really need a woman’s perspective please!

I’ve been with my wife for 18 years. Majority of this we lived we her parents until we could afford to move out, at least 8 years. Last 5 we’ve been in our own place. The other prior years we were going out and I lived with my parents.

The reason why I write this because I feel I can see a lot of red flags but I don’t know if I am just going mad.

To add to this my wife suffers with anxiety and depression. I’ve always supported her through this and never questioned her when she is having a bad time or struggling.

So fast forward to now. We lived in our house with our two kids for 5 years. During that time we’ve had ups and downs just like anyone else. But what really strikes me is we do next to nothing together. What tends to happen if we have a child free night my wife will either park herself on the sofa and watch recording tv all night with the duvet from our bed on her. When I suggest either going out or watching something together she can never be asked. So I end up in another room playing games or down the gym. My wife would then tend to fall asleep until the kids comes back. Now my wife does work she does a four day week and looks after the kids until I get home. I always give her a chance to lie in no real issues here, but when it comes to a weekend I’d love for her to get up earlier so we can do stuff together.

Adding to this we haven’t shared the bed for nearly 4 and half years. I find this really hard to accept. I end up either sleeping on the floor in our kids rooms to help the kids get off to sleep or on the sofa. I have explained to my wife soo many times I hate this set up and always ask if anything is wrong. She always says no and that she likes to sleep in her own. I’m just not sure how to accept this.

Other issues I feel we have. My wife works in a lovely job and made some great friends there. I was always impressed because of what she suffers with. To create new friendships for her is a hard thing. Although now a lot of the time when I get home I get told about her day and then she will spend the rest of the night WhatsApping messaging her colleagues. Never asked how everything is going at my work.

Another issue this make come across really petty but when it comes to anniversaries, bdays or Xmas. She never gets me anything or even a card. I always make sure I get her at least a card. I feel like she is more into herself then me.

Now what’s caused me to ask for any sort of advise or insight, is that I went to a stag do. My wife normally never shows me affection. Sex is very much over. I went out I get messages saying I love you. I get calls in the morning. Then when I get to the house for about an hour she shows affection. Then it’s back to normal program. I mean wtf!

Are the signs already there? I’ve suggested counciling loads but she is not interested at all.

It doesn’t sound as though she appreciates you or wants to be with you; look into leaving if you’re unhappy- we only get one life

It certainly sounds as though she's checked out of your marriage. If she won't work with you to improve the relationship, then you should probably look at other options. How old are your kids?

I'm not sure I would be happy sleeping on the floor for 4 years whilst my partner took the bed

Well between the floor and sofa bed.

They are 8 & 5. I feel awful if it was going to end because my 5 year old clearly need help with like adhd or autism, but he’s not quite at the age to be sorted yet. When I went away for one night my wife said he was awful and couldn’t understand why I was out.

think the hardest thing for me is she won’t say turkey how she feels or whether it’s over. Most of the time I feel like a taxi, credit card or a pin cushion for her work problems. Every time I’ve brought up the sleeping issues all I get is o not this again.

You're basically disregarding everything you want so that things are the way she wants. Red flags aren't behaviours in the other person, they're feelings you get in response to behaviours from the other person. One of the main red flags is asking 'Is this a red flag, or am I just being silly/overreacting/too sensitive/weird?' It demonstrates that you'll put up with stuff you don't like, and blame yourself for the problem.

Basically, if you think there might be a red flag, there's a red flag. You don't need anyone to confirm that the behaviour is 'wrong' or that you're 'right'. There are no rules on what we ought to feel, so you can't actually get it 'wrong'. All we have to go on is how we feel, so it you don't feel good, you have a problem that you have the responsibility for solving. Talk to the person who's bothering you, make sure they understand how you feel. If they don't respect your feelings, walk away.

That's boundaries, sorted. And that's what you lack: boundaries.

The marriage has been over for years. There's no red flags because there's no ground left to even stick the poles in.

Sorry op but what do you mean she won't say either way? Its crystal clear this is done.

She probably just let's it roll on because looking after kids alone half the time (or more potentially) will be even more exhausting.

So if its more comfortable living the sham marriage then maybe it's worth considering. But cmon now op, you know it's over, she knows it's over. Time to stop kidding yourself.

The marriage is over. She’s staying with you for financial or practical reasons.

Appreciate this! Thanks