Struggling with this situation

[CreatingHavoc]

Me and DP split up a couple of months ago but he has only moved up the road (the same road) so he is still very close. He comes round every day to help put the dc to bed. They can't go to his as it's pretty much a building site atm. Things are amicable between us and while initially he was angry and upset that we were splitting and I wanted him to move out, he has now accepted it was the right thing to do. We don't make each other happy. I was coping well for the first few weeks of this but these last 2 or 3 weeks have been very hard emotionally. I am crying all the time (just about holding it together in front of dc) and losing patience. I'm struggling to find as many work hours as universal credit want me to and even if I find more hours I will then be utterly exhausted working more than I have done in 10 years. I have a few health issues, my eldest daughter is autistic and my youngest is struggling to adapt to our new family dynamic.

One thing after another has seemed to go wrong recently and I've also been ill this week so ex-dp has been coming round more than he normally would so he can help me out. Also, because I've been upset a lot recently he has been more affectionate towards me. I do think he's hoping for us to get back together in some respect but I don't think it will work. However, I sometimes feel like I need him and I do sometimes miss him. But our relationship was a total mess and we absolutely can't live together. We both messed up relationship-wise but he definitely caused more problems than me and some of his behaviour started leaning towards being abusive at times and on a couple of occasions he scared me and the dc.

But I can't seem to let go of this feeling that I need him. I can't seem to stop asking him to come and help out. Probably because it's easy to do so as he's still so close and there's no one else who can easily come and help. I've only seen friends once since we split up as they are also not particularly close by. I feel like he's all I have and it's agonising because I know we can't be in a relationship. Instead of it being a clean break it feels almost like we are still together but not living together or in a casual relationship or something.

How can I resolve this? I simply don't feel like I can cope without help.

He absolutely should 'help', IE take care of his children. Can you bring more structure to that? Eg he makes packed lunches, takes them out, does their laundry etc. Make good use of him!

He does take them out sometimes but I think the main issue is that he can't have them at his. Him having to come here is making it seem like we're still together and for some stupid reason I seem to be encouraging it because I'm finding things hard.

can you go out when he comes round to look after the DCs. He should be doing more than “helping”. Also cant he take them out to the park, cinema, dinner etc. as pp said you need more structure to the arrangement. You may be feeling emotional but thats normal while you adjust so dont be too hard on yourself. Sounds like you have done right thing if he was abusive.

Thanks, yeah it was definitely the right thing to do. I just wish he could have them round at his or take them out more often. I feel like it's all being left to me. It's really hard and I'm struggling a lot.

If he can't have them at his, that's his problem to sort, you don't have to accommodate him at yours.
Can you put more structure in place, so if you still want him to come to yours, he can do tea/bed on a Friday and Tuesday night (say) and then takes them out for the day on a Saturday and you go to a friends, go swimming, go and sit in the library and read or whatever when he's round. At other times you don't need to see him.

It's difficult because obviously the dd's miss him and I don't want them to feel like he's abandoned them. So at the moment he's coming round most evenings. It would be much easier if he'd moved in to a place where they can at least visit if not stay over. Because its apparent that I'm struggling with certain things, I feel like I don't have anyone else to turn to apart from him when I'm upset and this has led to things becoming emotional and me questioning if I've done the right thing. He was not technically not abusive but some of his behaviour was certainly red flags that hinted at the possibility of it if things got worse. Yet in other ways he was very supportive and understanding. I have an anxiety disorder and he seems to be the only person who understands my anxiety. My DM berates me for it and offers nothing in the way of help or understanding but he has always been empathetic and never criticised me for it. I am struggling with it a lot at the moment as the main trigger of my anxiety is being alone with my dd's and something happening to me. It's making me feel like I need him and it's bothering me. But at the same time he can talk me round and is kind when I'm struggling. I'm so confused.

Do you think it would be possible to access some counselling together? It can be very positive to help couples find a way to separate and co-parent well.

@Okeydoky we can't afford it unfortunately. Money is tight atm. He wanted to try counselling before we split but I said no because I was adamant that I wanted it over. I mean, we are on much better terms now we aren't living together. He has even said it was the right decision. I have agonised over the decision for years so the first few weeks I wax relieved but I have really struggled with being on universal credit and trying to find other work. The stress of trying to get more hours coupled with the guilt of not being able to attend the usual school stuff and potentially having to use after school clubs has made me question if I made the right decision for my dc. They are both very dependent on me.

If you can't live together but want a relationship with him you can do that, its even got a name- LAT Living Apart Together.

How long until his house is fit for the children to visit?
Just get through until then if you can.

Are UC taking into account your daughters needs when they tell you to find more hours of work?

So it was you that ended the relationship, and it was you that told him to move out? He's done that and stayed close by, so he can continue being very hands on with the kids, helping out daily. You can't force him to accommodate the kids, and the current situation is only temporary while he gets his house sorted out. You should be thankful he hasn't moved further away and can afford a place big enough to have the kids stay (when it's ready). I'm not sure what you thought the reality of being a single parent would be? The situation must be even harder for him, especially as it seems he still has feelings for you.

@altmember We both still have feelings for each other but I'm not sure if I'm idealising over him and him over me. I know I have a tendency to do this. The relationship was awful at times though and we both made some terrible decisions. As I said he has agreed it was the right decision for him to move out, he just obviously didn't want to because it means he can't see dc as much but he agrees that our relationship was not working.

@SortingItOut I'm not sure if UC are taking my daughters needs in to account. I'll have to ask them about it, thank you. I'm very new to all this UC business. Tax credits were a breeze compared to this!

I'm hoping he will be able to have them visit in a month or so but I'm not sure really how appropriate the house is for them even when the work is done. They definitely won't be able to stay over.

I think what your feeling is completely normal. I'm a single parent who left an abusive relationship 7 years ago. You go through a real roller coaster of emotions, almost like the stages of grief. It does get easier I promise. But you do have to put some boundaries in place. Having him round every evening may be too much, and you won't figure out how to cope alone, until you are alone. Wondering if you've done the right thing is also normal, he was obviously supportive in certain ways and it's OK to miss that support.

In terms of universal credit, if your in receipt of carers allowence too then you do not have to work a set amount of hours. I have worked again for the past year. But prior to that I was in receipt of carers allowence and not required to work due to caring responsibilities.

Be kind to yourself. It's not easy, but does get easier.

You need benefit advice urgently.
You should be receiving carers allowance for your daughter and the caring element of UC. They will then leave you alone as you will be a full time carer. Do you claim DLA for your daughter?

Are you actually able to work at the moment with your anxiety disorder and health issues? Are you getting any support with that? Because if you’re not managing you should claim LCWRA and possibly pip.

What work is he having done that means his entire house is inhabitable? Lots of people have building work done and get by. Surely he has one room that can be used? Sounds like he’s making excuses.

You sound a bit isolated op. Once things settle down and you build a support network things will start to look very different.

Echoing pp on whether you're claiming DLA for your dd, helps with the UC hours required to work.

I'm hoping he will be able to have them visit in a month or so but I'm not sure really how appropriate the house is for them even when the work is done. They definitely won't be able to stay over.

How long will it be before the work on his house is completed?
Why is his house not appropriate for his children, & why can't they stay over?

You will lose your sense of dependence on him when you are able to stop this awful halfway-house of him coming over every evening to play daddy in YOUR home. It was always going to be a period of adjustment, & that's normal, but having him come over every night is prolonging it.

I have an anxiety disorder and he seems to be the only person who understands my anxiety. My DM berates me for it and offers nothing in the way of help or understanding but he has always been empathetic and never criticised me for it.
Don't applaud a fish for swimming.
Empathy & non-criticism of an anxiety disorder is a basic requirement from any decent human being.
It's awful that your mum is - frankly - a bitch about it, but millions of people live with anxiety & there ARE people who will understand.
www.anxietyuk.org.uk/
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/about-anxiety/

May I suggest that you book an appointment with your GP, outline your current struggles, & ask for referral to support services? There is nothing wrong with asking for help - in fact mental health professionals love a self-referrer!.

Have you ever had any counselling, or eg CBT, mindfulness techniques to help you manage? It's completely understandable that you are feeling overwhelmed at the moment, you've had a big life change & you are worried about work & money. You won't feel like this forever, & a large part of it is connected to being unable to totally disengage from your ex. I don't understand why, when his building work is complete, he cannot have his own DC to stay. What possessed him to take on a property where he cannot house his own children? Is he expecting that to remain solely your job, while he persists in hanging on round the edges of your life like this?