New to the world of dating but only interested in lack of effort?! Help!

[Flamingoooo]

I separated from my husband of 10 years a few years ago, and then had a relationship with a man for around a year which ended 4 months ago.

I recently dipped my toe into the wonderful world of tinder and I have met with 4-5 men, and had a couple of second dates so far.

I just can’t understand why it puts me off when men are very nice and attentive and interested, but I seem more attracted to men that are less “available”?

For instance, I met a man last week, we went for a drink and although the conversation was good, I didn’t think we hit it off but I really wanted to see him again?! He messaged me asking to meet again and I agreed, but the less he seemed interested, the more I couldn’t stop thinking about him. We had a perfectly pleasant second date, but nothing special. He is now very attentive, replies fast, wants to go out for dinner etc and is very keen - and this keenness puts me off?!

I was all for meeting another man for a second date but he sent me a gushing text after our first date that made my toes curl and I couldn’t face seeing him again.

Does anyone else feel like this?

Yes, me. The more somebody is interested in me, the more I cringe and back off. It feels suffocating. I don’t know why I’m like this.

Bit of armchair psychology here but I would guess that you are actually not ready for a relationship. For whatever reason, your subconscious is telling you to back off from men that would be interested in an actual relationship and instead become attracted to men who will probably not want to pursue a relationship with you. This relieves you of the pressure to actually have to open yourself up again and making yourself vulnerable to potential heartache again.
This may be either because you have been very hurt in a previous relationship, or it might originate from childhood experiences, or possibly both.
It might be even more complex, so for example if you are a bit of a people pleaser, someone who is interested in you, especially after a first date might trigger feelings of stress in you. These MIGHT be caused by the fact that the need to please people and feel liked and accepted means that on a first date you try very hard to be, well, likeable and acceptable. And when that “works” and the guy is interested, your subconscious feels under a lot of pressure to continue putting on a performance so you continue to be likeable, so the other party remains interested. And behaving like that is actually very stressful, so your subconscious rejects these potential partners.
Can you tell I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out my own messed up behaviour patterns??

Thats really interesting actually, I think you may be right about not wanting a serious relationship.

i was so into this man until he showed a lot of interest and now it’s like cold water has been thrown on me!

I'm exactly the same op.

I think you're just looking at compatibility. Some people like to be all over each other/regular contact/PDAs etc, some people prefer distance/less contact/undemonstrative feelings.

Just go with what you feel. If you're not ready, you won't be compatible with anybody, so as long as you can walk away without feeling hurt, and you've got time, where's the harm? Keep meeting people until you get fed up with it, or until you meet someone who suits you. That's what dating's for.

Unavailable people tend to go for similarly unavailable people. Theres an element of external validation seeking. You dont actually want them, or you may not, but you want them to want you because that makes you feel worthwhile - to win the attention of someone who didn't seem interested. Its possibly a self esteem issue. Or I think sometimes there's a feeling of suffocation if the other person is very interested. Buyers regret. Feeling like if you buy one option all the others are closed to you. I used to be like this, it just passed in time, not without my fair share of soul searching and heartbreak on both sides