Lateness…

[walnut87]

Hi

So my partner often gets home late from work, and doesn’t give me a heads up until he’s pretty much driving home. It’s always before our daughter’s bedtime so mostly some random time between 6 and 7. Recently he’s not even phoning on his way. I never know if he’ll be around for mealtime - he says he’ll just eat it hot or cold (grumbling about it), so family meals don’t happen. He says he doesn’t get what difference it makes telling me when he’s going to get in. He said he thinks I’m trying to control him.

I don’t think he’s doing anything bad but he is just selfish with his time - he’s always been, sort of typical guy disappearing off to the loo, spending hours cleaning his car etc.

Maybe I’m just unfairly envious of his apparent freedom? I do all the nights with our dd (2.5), she doesn’t sleep through, and she’s at this massively clingy phase, I get no space to myself if I’m at home. He, on the other hand, gets all the space he wants/needs to do whatever he wants/needs.

Is it weird that I want to know when he’s going to get home? Is it weird that he’s so weird about it? For context, I work four days a week (teacher so get home earlier), he works 5 (office hours but also stressful job).

The pandemic wasn’t easy and I’m on antidepressants now. I feel this huge loneliness all the time which I think affects how I see things, but I can’t talk to him about it tbh, he gets so defensive if the conversation steers towards his actions in any way.

What do you think?
Thanks x

Knowing when he's gonna be home shouldn't be a massive deal by itself but it's clearly playing into a bigger issue.

You need some open communication here - helping him understand that you need a bit of predictability and him helping you to understand the reasons behind his behaviour too.

When two adults are living in the same house, it is mere politeness and common courtesy to let each other know when you will be back. Even more so when you are parents.

If you did postpone dinner til 8, would he even appreciate that or want that?

If what he wants is to come and go and NOT have family dinner, then you could be pushing water uphill.

I feel like it’s a courtesy thing yes. It’s not anything new - he’s always been like this, we’ve been together a long time. I thought he’d change when we had a family! Ha. He just thinks I’m trying to control him. :/

He would prefer that dinner was cooked after he got home and would happily eat after 8 (the later the better for him) whereas I am getting fatter and fatter snacking until he gets home.

You’re right. I don’t know why this is so difficult with us

Getting home sometime between 6 and 7 seems like a perfectly normal time to get home. I definitely wouldn’t consider it late and I would find that reasonably accurate. Maybe there are some other issues here that you have hinted at, but the getting home pattern does not strike me as something to get upset about by itself.

Just cook dinner for 7 or whatever time suits you and he can have his when he gets home. The lack of communication is inconsiderate in my view. Frankly if he can't be bothered to let you know when he's back, I personally wouldn't cook for him.

Thank you both - really helpful to see how people have such different opinions on this... I guess we fall on opposite sides of the divide unfortunately.

He says he doesn’t get what difference it makes telling me when he’s going to get in

So he doesn't respect your view. He doesn't need to do much to compromise, does he? A text takes 30 seconds. He's not willing to do that.

Is it weird that I want to know when he’s going to get home? Is it weird that he’s so weird about it

And you don't respect your view either. Imagine if a friend told you what they thought about something. Would you seriously say to them 'I think you might just be a bit weird...', or would you feel that that would be rude?

My husband is just like yours. He used to ring me to say he was on his way, but still arrive home an hour than later. He’s always said it was because he’s bumped into someone as he was leaving. He has no sense of time and can be very disorganised. I’m just one of those people that just like to know what is happening and can get very antsy when people don’t stick to plans, even to what time they’ll be coming home. The problem with my husband is became the rule rather than the exception.

His excuses were that it wasn’t deliberate, so why get upset. But it did annoy and upset me. He also hated being kept to a timescale.

One option is to just not care, so what if his meal is cold or dried up. I used to swap around either eating with my daughter or him. I know what you mean about the snacking.

can you load the find my friends app. Then you can look on that to see if he’s on his way.

Can you try and explain why it’s important to you. Explain the time from getting home, to dinner and bedtime and how each encroaches on the other, so timings become important. It’s not about control of him, it’s his actions impacting yours.

I also understand about having a husband who has more free time, and would like to point out these sorts of things are where resentments start building.

Both eating at 8pm and taking turns to cook sounds doable. Book some evening activities eg exercise class and go he’ll need to be back if your class is 7-8 etc.