Emotional Abuse

[mechar]

Am I being emotionally abused?
So basically I don't have anywhere else to turn and I need some advice I don't know whether I'm being a drama queen or if there's more to it! Me and my partner have been together 4 years and have one DS and we just really don't get on anymore some days it feels like we hate each other. To be honest there were red flags from the beginning which I stupidly ignored and since then things have slowly got worse he calls me names tries to tell people I don't do anything around the house (I do everything) tries to make out like I am lazy and I don't work enough he will go out with his friends and just disappear the last time this happened he just turned up 3 days later! He will ignore me for days on end tries to embarrass me infront of friends / family and I honestly don't think he would care if I just walked out right now he definitely wouldn't be begging for me back or chasing after me and it's a really difficult situation my parents would be angry if they realised I had left him and wouldn't like the thought of DS being part of a broken home I'm really not close to my parents so I can't turn to them and to make things even more difficult the house we live in is rented off one of his family members so if I left him I really don't know where me and DS would go! Any advice would be appreciated thanks

Sorry to hear that you are in this situation. It definitely sounds like he is emotionally abusing you and belittling you, and you should not have to put up with this. You also don't want your DS to grow up witnessing his dad treat you this way, he will either learn this is how to treat women or that it's ok to accept being treated that way.

As for your parents and what they may think, it's hard but they are not the priority and if you're not close to them then it shouldn't matter too much what they think. I know that's easy for me to say, but would they genuinely rather you put up with a lifetime of emotional abuse?

In terms of practical advice for your living situation, i would speak to citizens advice for where to start in terms of how to organise financial arrangements for child support etc to get you in a position to get your own rental for you and DS.

None of this will be easy but you and DS definitely deserve a better life than the one you have being treated like this.

Thank you for replying I kind of know I need to leave but it's just so hard making those first steps and Iv read a few Mumsnet posts over the weekend talking about abuse and everyone says their partner is always sorry or always begs for them back but my partner has never ever done that he occasionally says sorry but a number of times Iv told him I'm leaving and he pretty much says good and that he wants me to leave! I just feel so guilty on DS he loves his dad so much and his face lights up when he gets home from work some mornings he leaves for work before DS is awake and when DS realises he isn't there he gets so upset and to think I'm taking him away from his dad is truly heartbreaking I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes just thinking about it. How did I ever get myself in this mess I will never know

I know it's so so hard and will be hard on DS initially, you shouldn't have to put up with this and he shouldn't have to grow up witnessing this. Could you try and approach your partner with how you're feeling again, have some stuff written down that you want to say. Repeat back to him some of the horrible things he says to you and calls you, and see what his reaction is. If he is apologetic you could maybe try relationship counselling to see if he could put himself in your shoes to improve things for the sake of your son but really I don't think you should accept being treated like you don't matter.
It's heartbreaking to think of separating children from their parent but is it right for DS to be brought up by a mum who is sad and emotionally battered, in the long run will DS grow up with issues because of this? There are arrangements that can be made for sorting out access and arrangement for contact, he could still see him but you need to be released from feeling like a second class citizen in your own home. You matter, and your mental health is so important to parenting a child.
I hope you have some friends you could talk to, to give you some support?

I tried to have a civil conversation with him earlier explaining how I was feeling and as always he just tells me to get over says there's much worse things going on in the world...obviously I know this but I feel like I'm not allowed to have feelings or be hurt! To be honest I haven't confided in anyone about how he acts I think it's because I'm embarrassed so from an outsiders point of view we probably look like we are a normal relationship which is far from the truth. The only people that have witnessed his behaviour are a few of his friends when we have been out with them and they put it down to him having a traumatic past 🙄 I'm pretty sure things are never going to get better I had hope a few months ago but those feelings of hope are quickly disappearing I really have to face up to the heartbreaking fact that me and DS will have to move out, I only work part time so will need to look into some help from the council or however it works. I'm really good at sticking my head in the sand and putting on a brave face but there's only so long I can go on like that x

I think the advice to get counselling with your husband, although well-intentioned, would be a mistake. If you contemplate counselling just go by yourself. It is never recommended when one partner is abusive. All that will happen is they make themselves look reasonable and you the problem. Which is probably what happens already in the way he presents your relationship to others.

I think you need to make decisions based on what is best for you and your son. Don't be concerned about what others, including your parents think. That can be hard to do but your wellbeing, and your son's, needs to come first.

I also think the term 'broken home' is dated. It belongs in another age. In a sense a home is already 'broken' if the parents' relationship is very poor/abusive. Better to remove yourself and your son from it. And that is the way I'd frame it should you meet resistance or a lack of understanding from your parents.

Apologies, genuine ADHD brain here. I suspect you've gone beyond the point of wanting to get counselling. It sounds like you know what you have to do and you know your parents' likely reaction and are prepared for it.