Partner doesn't want kids. Not sure what to do

[motheroreily]

I've been with my partner for 5 years. We have one child each from previous relationships. We've always talked about having a child. And there's always been something to do first. Like save money, get a bigger house, sort stuff out. I'm starting to realise he doesn't want a child and these were just barriers he invented. He keeps saying he's not sure maybe when this is done or we've sorted something else. it's just putting it off.

I'm 40 so realistically can't see myself meeting someone new and having a child. But I don't think I can stay with him now. I'm feeling upset about it.

Upset about missing out on having a second child or upset because you feel deceived? Or both?

Have you asked him directly?

If it’s really important to you he must know this. But if he really doesn’t want to then it’s time to split

I think I'm upset things haven't turned out how I hoped. I don't think he meant to deceive me. He's scared.

How old is he OP?

Only you can decide. Can you live with one child? I think you needed to have a Frank conversation a few years ago. At 40 I don't know if I would throw away what you have.

He's 41. We have always talked about it and I've been honest and clear about what I want.it's just recently I realised it's not what he really wants.

Between you you have two children. I think you should be looking at what you have and planning for their future (and incidentally your own) , not dreaming about something you haven’t got. But if you are so upset about the situation that you are thinking about splitting from him then the time to do it is now rather than let the resentment fester.

You have 2 children, at least you never see his child?
If he is nicely parenting your child and his with you, I would sit and think long before acting on it.

That's just how life goes sometimes - it doesn't turn out how we hoped, we grieve and we adapt so we can move forward.

Why does it mean the relationship has to end?

How awful of him to string you along for the last 5 years! If he'd been honest with you earlier, you'd have at least had a chance to meet someone else who wanted another child. I'm so sorry he has done this to you. I wouldn't be able to stay with him after that. He has no right to play with a woman's fertility like that. He knows these past 5 years were most likely your last chance to have a child.

I’m in a very similar position, although my partner keeps being undecided, and says it’s not the right time and I’m putting pressure on him by talking about it. It’s so difficult to know what to do and how to move forward.

What has he told you? What were his words.
Sorry I mean this kindly... but if I was 35 and wanted baby no2 I would of set a time scale.

Because at 40 would you want to start again?? I ask myself this and I'm 31!

Not saying that’s what’s happened here, but the men I’ve read about on MN who have quite deliberately strung a woman along and run down the clock on her ability to have children, keeping her dangling with promises and lies, is frankly abhorrent. The cruelty of it is unbelievable. And I say that as someone who has never experienced that biological yearning for a child even though I’ve got one.

Do you live with your boyfriend? He hasn't actually admitted to you he doesn't want a child with you, or has he? If your boyfriend hasn't said it outright then he is still stringing you along. This is just awful especially as you have been honest from the outset, but I guess as you also kept putting it off he thought he was home and dry.