Advice on my relationship with husband

[CookieMonsterMummy]

I’ve been advised to come to this forum from AIBU. Feel free to read my previous thread on AIBU.

I feel lost in my relationship with DH. He doesn’t communicate clearly with me and often it’s either silent treatment or arguments. I cannot leave him due to many reasons, one of them being cultural. I will at some point leave but not yet as I don’t feel strong enough and I have zero income coming in. I feel no love from him. We sleep in separate beds, there’s no love or affection. I miss having someone to cuddle up with. I feel so lonely. Whenever I suggest divorcing he tells me to get the guck out of his home as his name is on everything and he pays the mortagage. He also tells me he’s got money stashed away in private accounts so I will never get my hands on anything.

I have no family support really. I have siblings but my parents will not support me due to the cultural aspect of divorce.

DH is a very high earner and has a very stressful job. He never communicates with me and then is surprised I’m in a “mood” with him. I never know when he will be home so mealtimes are stressful. His mother is a typical mother-in-law from hell who believes her fin is perfect and I’m the trouble maker. Her son can do no wrong. She has caused a lot of problems in the marriage. In the early days we did really love each other but she created so much drama when my first child was born. It’s been difficult marriage.

my question really is how can I keep a civilised home for my kids and keep being married to him till I am strong enough and in a better place to leave?

apologies if this sounds off in any way but I have seen first hand what has happened to women in the family who have divorced. I know in my situation I will not be any happier, in fact I will be worse off in terms of finances and family support. It might sound odd but people in the extended family no matter how lovely and modern they are will start to avoid me and the kids. And yes I do care about this happening as I don’t want yo be alone.

Apologies for typos.

I know people reading this will not understand the cultural aspect and will say “what about your kids” in the sense I need to leave to give them a better life, but the fact is I know their life will be worse if I leave. It’s hard to explain if you not from the culture but try to think like a 100 years ago how a woman and child would be treated if they left the husband, it will be similar.

Apologies for the numerous typos

Sounds like massive communication issues on both sides. Would he be open to counselling? Ultimately he isn’t going to change unless he wants to so all you can do in that situation is manage your expectations and how you respond.

Sounds like a tad more than communication issues

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

can you get individual counseling for yourself to build your confidence?

Can you speak with Women's Aid about working on a long-term plan to be able to leave?

What is it about your day to day life that you'd like to change? Things that don't involve changing your husband's behaviour. He sounds like a dick btw.

What culture are you and your husband from? If you specify, you might be able to get more appropriate advice.

It sounds like you want this marriage to work. So explain this and suggest counselling. If he's not agreeable to that and he doesn't listen to you, im not sure what you can do.

You have mentioned not having family support ( whereas he does) but how much have you spoken to your sisters?
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( yes, I followed you here from party discussion on aibu)

What is their stance?
Even if the mortgage is in his name, it's yours and your children's home. This means he cannot turf you out.

Please contact women's aid. You can do this confidentiality e.g. when you are grocery shopping or out at an appointment etc and delete the number. I suggest this as you can find put what your options are.

I would not keep suggesting divorce to him if he keeps telling you to leave - this isn't appropriate and is stressful for you. Find out your options ( including exploring whether the relationship could work and what you can do if not) first and don't discuss that you are doing so if this is his reaction. I do understand the cultural implications, but it's important for you to assess whether you say it's best to stay and keep things ticking.

Just to say, don't assume that you or your children will be better in this kind of setup. He was loving towards you and is now abusive. What's to say he can't be the same towards them?

How can you continually maintain a good setup for yourself/ children whilst treading on eggshells? Is this the kind of future you want for them? They will see your marriage / relationship as a template for theirs . You say it may not work and at some time you may leave, but you have to bear in mind that you won't necessarily get stronger after battling this kind of abuse.

I'm not saying " just leave" , as that's your call. But something needs to change. Maybe counselling if he's amenable to it. But things can't go on as they are

Well if you are married in the UK he's wrong about the money. Doesn't matter he pays the mortgage or who's name it's on you're entitled to half or more of everything- the house, his salary, savings, pension will all be taken into account. With kids involved he's maintenance to pay. Empty threats!
He doesn't sound nice and if you're not leaving right now I'd start by doing your own things and stand up for yourself.

Whenever I suggest divorcing he tells me to get the guck out of his home as his name is on everything and he pays the mortagage. He also tells me he’s got money stashed away in private accounts so I will never get my hands on anything.

can’t believe some people saying this is a “communication “ problem

It is a marriage that is rotten to the core

Could you get a job away from his influence and slowly build up your confidence, finances and independence? You may have to put up with this life for a while because of the cultural aspect, but at least if you have something for yourself and a hope for the future then when you feel strong enough you can divorce. You are entitled to half of the house, pension and child maintenance provided the marriage is legally recognised in the UK.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. This man wants absolute here over you and in turn your kids.

Joint counselling is never recommended with an abuser as you will not be safe in such sessions. You will have no voice and he will likely try and manipulate the counsellor also into taking his side. Such men are really master manipulators. If counselling is to be at all considered you need to go on your own.

re your comment
"I cannot leave him due to many reasons, one of them being cultural. I will at some point leave but not yet as I don’t feel strong enough and I have zero income coming in"

What possible cultural issues are there preventing you from leaving your abuser?. What else is stopping you from leaving him?. Abuse is no respecter of culture and or creeds. You state you will at some point leave but that merely gives him more time in which to abuse you and in turn your kids who are seeing this at first hand. They are learning from you also about relationships and they are seeing that their dad's abusive treatment of you at his hands is acceptable to you on some level. A lack of money is a factor but you are married to this man and have rights in law here; you need to exercise this. He is a bully who uses weaselly words and untruths against you. Such men are cowardly and they also hate women, ALL of them.

Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one for what are really your own reasons and suppositions not based on fact. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar as a child?.

A good solicitor will find all of his money. He will have to provide bank statements for the last 12 months. The longer you leave it, the more chance he has to dispose of it.

I know people reading this will not understand the cultural aspect and will say “what about your kids” in the sense I need to leave to give them a better life, but the fact is I know their life will be worse if I leave. It’s hard to explain if you not from the culture but try to think like a 100 years ago how a woman and child would be treated if they left the husband, it will be similar.

No culture should accept abuse as a matter of fact. Why do you feel you have no rights here?. Things have moved forward in those 100 years, women now have the right to vote and to divorce.

Do you really think that their life would be worse if you leave?. How would it be worse for them exactly?. If you're referring to material things well they may have less but a life free from seeing their mother and in turn them being abused by their dad is far more valuable a gift to them. I presume too you would also leave with them. I think as well your H's toxic words have lodged in your head; you likely also have little to no outside family support and that also likely led you to this man in the first place. He targeted you and deliberately as well.

This and what Butterfly44 said, 100%.

Were you never told that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none?.

He is not going to make the process of separation and divorce at all straight forward and will remain obstructive and abusive post separation and divorce also. This does not mean that you should not divorce him going forward. Do not hide behind so called cultural issues here; your kids would wonder why on earth you used that at all as one reason here to stay with him. They won't say "thanks mum" for staying with him.

If he is wont to hiding money then I would employ the services of a forensic accountant; that person will find assets.

Not necessarily.
My friend was told by her barrister that her ex was so deceitful and manipulative she should work towards independence as quickly as possible.
Her ex managed to get her to sign papers which remortgaged the house and then hid the money before leaving her.
She read the documents and to this day swears that some of the pages she was later shown were definitely not there when she signed.
He turned up at court looking like a tramp and a year later had a new home in the Chilterns worth at least a million.

"but my parents will not support me due to the cultural aspect of divorce".

You do not need their support nor approval. You are an adult here with agency.
What cultural aspect of divorce, are they thinking here that your divorce will reflect badly on them in some way?. Are they very religious?. This is 2022 and most people do not see divorce like this. Many parents too would want to support their adult child in such difficulties, not ignore and or be supposedly ashamed.

Its still no reason to stay and again you do not need your parents approval anyway. I would also think this has always been conditional from them in any case.

Your parents are not married to this man nor are living the life you are living now, you are and you and in turn your kids are being abused at his hands.

Do you have parents to confide in at all ? Get in touch with Womens Aid and make arrangements to see them they will help you with your rights I feel so sorry for you OPs.
Can you manage to squirrel away any spare money for the future in a separate account or does he control the finances ? He sounds like a bully & control freak.
Don't worry about the house you are entitled to half of the value whoevers name is on the title deeds he has to give you half or allow you to live in it until the children are of age.
Get to see a solicitor as soon as you can and try and stand up for yourself if you can although I understand it must be very hard for you.Good luck to you & your family.

It would be helpful to know the culture.

OP wrote this in her initial post abigailsnan
"I have no family support really. I have siblings but my parents will not support me due to the cultural aspect of divorce".

OP needs other sources of support like MN to start with along with a good Solicitor, forensic accountant and Womens Aid.

I just realised which other thread was the OPs other one. I don’t think he will improve at all.

You believe your culture does not alllow divorce. Do you want your children to believe the same thing, your daughters to settle with abusive men and believe they can't escape?

That is what you are teaching them by staying in this mess.

OR you can make use of the fact you're in the U.K. Culture does not affect your legal rights - you CAN divorce him and you WILL get a share of assets & child maintainence. Maybe a big share as you say he is a high earner and I assume you are not.

If you share the culture there are people on here who can recommended specific advice lines and sympathetic legal people who understand the world you live in.

No religion or culture actually permits abuse of women - it is the MEN who twist the words of prophets/leaders to suit their own power plays and controlling tendencies. You can see through that and be free.

As for family support, he is isolating you from your sisters already. They may be more able to support you when he's gone. His family are horrible and abusive too, it would be beneficial to lose them.

You CAN build a happy life for your children. Break the cycle - for their sake if not yours. Take some small steps and call someone for help.