Started divorce, considering leaving fam home

[Mightymama22]

So... 7 months ago I told my husband of 18 years I wanted a divorce. I tried to suggest various living arrangements and possibilities but he's emotionally abusive and is unwilling to compromise on anything. I am tired of his mood swings and aggressiveness, and feel constantly anxious and distressed as we are under same roof.
I'm the main breadearner and we have no family in the UK so can't really go to my mum's or something.
He won't leave the house and is unwilling to sign the no fault divorce papers. He is recovering from depression and trying to get a job after 2 years unemployed (nothing is ever good enough for him) and he's been totally financially and emotionally dependant on me for years.
I know I can keep divorce regardless of him accepting it, but living with him is hell - he constantly calls me names and his anger affects my ability to work and function. He blames me for destroying the family, and takes no accountability for anything he's done (or not) in the past. He has pretty obvious narcisistic traits and sadly I've allowed it to happen through years in marriage as I was too scared to face him so would give in on fights to try to keep things calm. Constantly walking on eggshells, apologizing for things I didn't think I should, even giving in to sex without wanting it to keep him calm or he would sulk and make the house a stress for days...
We have a 15 and a 12 yo, but I've now started to consider I should rent a home near the house for myself, where kids can come and go as they please, until divorce is over and I either buy him out of the house or we sell it (he currently won't agree to neither).
I don't know how this could affect my custody with kids etc. They are big enough to understand what's happening and I have a great relationship with both, I'm sure they'd come see me and I hope id still be able to come to fam home as it's also mine and currently I pay all the bills...
I just know as long as we are in the same house I will continue to walk on eggshells and try to please him to calm him down, and that's exactly what I want to be free from...
I should mention he's been phisically violent to me once, and I have pictures and audio of what happened. I don't want to destroy his life and hope I never have to use it, but if I left, and he applied on court for something like abandonment, I guess I could use that....
So should I just rent somewhere and go until divorce is finished and we sort finances out to sell fam home or he agrees for me to buy him out? He wouldn't be able to do so as mortgage is hanging on my high income.
With kids he is ok and a "good" father, so I wouldn't want to pick up a massive fight with him which would make me afraid of him forever...
All I'd want is for him to see me as a friend and raise kids with harmony but he can't get over the fact I want to separate, don't love him anymore. He clearly feels he "owns" me and I struggle to just ignore him as was emotionally abused for years and his attacks really make me bad, extremely stressed and scared.
Help...

If you choose to leave and rent a home, please take your DC with you, let them be free to visit him whenever they want to. If you leave and leave them there he can claim you abandoned them. At their ages a court is likely to listen to their needs and wants rather than force a court order. If you left them there with him, he could then claim for maintenance for them from you.

If he then lived there alone, he would be given the choice of buying you out, leaving and you move back in, or selling the property.

I think you should get some real legal advice before you do anything.

If he is being abusive, that as well as physical violence gives you grounds to divorce him.

Be really careful with this, you need to take proper legal advice. The general mantra is "don't leave the house", it can get very difficult to get someone to agree to a sale if they are being obstructive. Often one party will try and make the living situation intolerable in the hope that they will force the other person into leaving. My worst (professional) story is a woman who left the house, partner refused to move or sell, teenage children who originally moved with mum moved back in with dad as mum couldn't afford to rent a big enough place for them all as well as paying her share of the mortgage and dad made himself out as the victim. If your DH is abusive call the police and they may be able to remove him. Ask your lawyer if your previous evidence of DV is enough to keep him out. Good luck.

As previous poster suggests, ask solicitor if you have enough evidence for an occupation order to get him out.

I was in same boat as you and also the main breadwinner and I did leave and rent somewhere and our dc came with me. I rented less than a mile away and we sorted out a coupe of nights for them to stay with him. Although we were married house was in my name so I had control of the sale and then equity was split. I felt a massive weight off getting out of the house - it was quickly apparent that living together would be intolerable.

Thanks everyone, I did some research on the "do not move" mantra, but living under same roof is impossible... right now I'd rather risk losing all my money if it means freedom!
Just main concern is kids, but as I said they are teens already and have a voice hopefully. I'm confident they've seen enough not to see him as a victim... But I still wish they have a good relationship with dad.
So getting him out through a legal process would be too damaging for relationship with kids and possible healthy co-parenting I'm still hoping to achieve once the pain from divorce is over...
@Overwhelmedandoverworked thanks for sharing, I think I'll try renting somewhere nearby... I had suggested a while back birdnesting so we would each have the flat a week and then spend a week at fam house with kids... ? He seemed to agree, then backed down, maybe can try again... A bit unorthodox but it'd be ideal in the short term I think to get him and kids used to the idea of us no longer being a couple but trying to preserve kids routine etc...
Anyone has experience with that?
Thanks x

I’m a family mediator (also trained as a lawyer which is why I gave the “don’t leave the home” advice 😁). In ten years of doing the job there were probably only 3-4 families who actually did the nesting thing, although as by definition I deal with people in conflict that probably isn’t too surprising. Nesting takes a LOT of cooperation and communication to make it work. I remember one family who came after nesting had broken down because the dad would walk out at the end of his week leaving the place a tip, all laundry left for mum etc. Another family had made it work for a few years but when mum found a new partner she wanted things to chance. My personal opinion is that if you can make it would it would be the best solution for the kids but it is a serious challenge.

Thanks @PeanutButterOnToad
It's crazy how difficult people become in these situations!!
Yes nesting would be my favourite option...
I know I could go to the police and try get him out but I just feel I'd be buying an enemy for life who is a good father to kids...
I'm still trying desperately to keep peace as at least until kids are over 18 he'll remain very much in my life...
Let's see, he still hasn't signed papers and he just wont leave or sell the house...

See a solicitor. That will take a lot of emotion out of the situation, they’ll be able to tell you your options and you can weigh up the pros and cons of each option.
Don’t do anything until you’ve had legal advice, as others have said he could claim abandonment if you left the home without the children and claim child support from you. He could also emotionally manipulate the children by making himself out to be the victim.

Tough decision but whatever you do keep it amicable. Told shaft him to justify it or make things easier.
my wife was plotting to leave me and I felt it and was desperately trying to talk to her. When I found out she had a house sorted, I asked her about it.
Unbeknown to me at the time of hs was talking to a speicalist on domestic abuse specifically controlling and coercive behaviour - native individual who is paid to tell wife’s planning on leaving wnat to say. My wife called the police because I knew about house and lied through her teeth and told them I had listening devices and tracking devices. I was arrested and locked up for 19 hours. I was on bail for 8 months, couldn’t see the kids initially and then my brother killed himslef. I was on the brink of suicide myself. She tried to ruin me. Pure evil