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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

( trigger warning rape )Abuseive ex sacred don't know what to do

13 replies

Buzlightyear1 · 02/07/2022 21:40

Hi I have had a very horrible ex he was pretty horrible, I've posted here before where people helped me to see that he had raped me. He also made me have sex with other men so he could get drugs. We have a 5 year old child and been separated for 3 years where I called police on him. As he was injecting herion in front of our son and threatened to take him.

I'm now receiving counselling and other help. I've been directed to a solicitor by my domestic abuse worker, she suggested getting a non molestion and prohibited steps. I'm so scared of having to talk about what happend, scared he will get even more angry scared of court and scared of my son finding out when he's older. I'm starting to think I should cancel. I don't know how I'm going to get through this . The appointment is 13th I'm terrified and full of guilt and doubt. O don't know what to do

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 02/07/2022 22:42

You have nothing to feel guilty for, nothing at all. If anything you should be proud of yourself for being strong enough to end the relationship.

His drug problem and subsequent inability to parent are not your responsibility. You are simply taking steps to protect yourself and your child here which is paramount.

Do you have any friends or family around you for rl support?

Original poster
Buzlightyear1 · 02/07/2022 22:50

Thank you I just can't get out of this way of thinking. I'm also terrified that if I do this he may be physical again and I don't think I can deal with that one more time. I really don't .

I'm very lucky to have a amazing friend, who has been so great with support she has listened to some awful things and supported me through it all. She is coming with me to the appointment. She has already dealt with a lot just hearing it so I'm also scared of letting her down.

OP posts:
User1406 · 02/07/2022 22:53

Do you have someone close to you who could go with you for support?

Don't be afraid about your son finding out. You haven't done anything wrong. You have done your best, you have left him, your son will find out the TRUTH and he will be proud that you left.

SoulGuardian · 02/07/2022 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Buzlightyear1 · 02/07/2022 23:08

Thank you for that link I will take a look.

There are a few reasons I don't want my son finding out. I had sex with other men so my ex could get drugs. I never got money myself and he would make sure I did it with out going into detail. Its so bloody complicated I was with him for 11 years I was 18 and he was 38 when we met. I've done some unbelievable stupid things all because I loved him and thought he loved me. I'm such a fool and need to get away but I'm scared of what might happen. What if this is as good as it gets and then I make it worse by trying to get help

OP posts:
Insidelaurashead · 02/07/2022 23:11

OP you were groomed and absused and it is NOT YOUR FAULT

Jas5mum · 02/07/2022 23:18

Of course its not as good as it gets
Have you considered going into a refuge and starting again in a completely new area so he doesn't know where you are!?
Sounds like he groomed you with that age gap. Its very complicated obviously but you can do this. Its great you're getting support with everything thats happened in time this will be a distant memory.

My ex husband was older and abusive. I divorced him but didn't say it was DV in the paperwork. This was 10years ago now. We have no contact even tho we have 2 kids together, I still see his parents weekly tho. They supported me and were ashamed of him. They'd do anything ask for their grandchildren.

You are stronger than you know

Original poster
Buzlightyear1 · 02/07/2022 23:35

I don't think my son would cope moving he has finally settled in school and made friends. He had never been to nursery or pre school so it was a lot for him. he has also seen way to much already. I'm such a rubbish mum he saw his dad do stuff to me the last time was when he was 3. His school are aware and have a ELSA in place for him. I wish that I could make it all OK for him.

My friend also said i was groomed and pimped out by him. I'm having a hard time accepting that I can not even say out loud that he raped me. Some how saying it is so much worse than writing it down.

Did your ex husband see your kids after your divorce ? Its great that his parents are so much help.

OP posts:
CoffeeLover90 · 02/07/2022 23:58

You need to keep working with therapists until you get to a point that you realise it is not your fault. It isn't your fault. I'm so sorry you and your son were put through so much. Go to the appointment with your friend, get the order, it may give you peace of mind. It's so hard to do, I know but the solicitors are very reassuring, you will not have to face him unless you want to. It's best to have something that means legally he cannot come near you. Keep yourself safe and give yourself time.

Original poster
Buzlightyear1 · 03/07/2022 00:01

Thank you I will definitely keep with the therapy, I appreciate what you are saying its hard to accept. I will try and go to the appointment I think if I tell.my friend I'm having doubts she will probably make me stay at her house so I don't back out. So I will definitely not be telling her. I will try and go though thank you

OP posts:
CoffeeLover90 · 03/07/2022 00:51

It'll probably take a very long time to accept. I'm 3 months out of DV and still blame myself, not for what he did but for allowing it to happen. Seeing how much happier DS is now is what's keeping me going, try and concentrate on that. Getting an injunction was one of the first things I did, I needed to prove to SS I was willing to keep him away. At the time, like you, I was full of doubts, didn't want to repeat it all etc, but now when I look back it's a good thing. It helped me feel like I'd closed that door, if that makes sense. If you're really determined to call time on this now the injunction will help. It keeps him away, keeps you and DC safe and allows you breathing space to work on yourself. Lean on friends and family as much as you can and remind yourself that if you survived that 'relationship' you can do anything.

Original poster
Buzlightyear1 · 03/07/2022 08:59

I'm so sorry you went through that. Thank you for sharing, it does help to hear positive stuff. I really appreciate it I am so determined to never let this happen again i don't think I can live like that again. My son is older now to which would be awful for him to witness. Its bad enough what he did see. Thank you

OP posts:
YankeeDad · 03/07/2022 13:46

@Buzlightyear1 You are doing the right thing for yourself and your child by moving forward with the legal actions, even if that is difficult and in some ways frightening.

It sounds as though you have a good friend helping you to move forward, and while I do not know you, based on what you have written I believe that you will do it, because you love your DS and you have some support which has been enough to help you get this far.

You are not a rubbish mum. You have started the process of understanding what happened, and you are working to make yourself a better person and taking legal steps to protect yourself and your child. That is what good mothers do.

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