Unsustainable family dynamic - scapegoat?

[chatterbug22]

I have posted before so excuse the additional post.

I am early 20s, my sister is several years older than me. She is successful and leads a lovely life, a life she’s always wanted! Her values have changed over time and she isn’t the person I once knew but she has done really well for herself and I am proud of her for that.

As of late I have had to take a step back from her for the sake of my own well-being. She finds ways to subtly undermine me, controls every situation, and every conversation topic must be about her. She hates my partner and will ignore him when he speaks to her, or in day-to-day family plans pretend as if he doesn’t exist. She has convinced immediate family members that he is the reason we don’t get on, which to be honest is baffling as he stays well out of it - he doesn’t like her now but that’s because he’s seen how upset her behaviour has been leaving me. We have been together 2 years and are settled and happy together, with our own home. He and my dad get on particularly well.

Me taking a step back from her has coincided with the months leading up to her wedding, so to everybody else I am the disinterested sister who wants nothing to do with her. She has accused me of destroying the sister relationship by not meeting up with her and doing things together, which she claims to really want.

My mum is lovely and has always wanted for us to get on. The fact that we don’t really upsets her, and she tells me it keeps her up at night. I have tried and tried to explain calmly to both my parents. I think my dad understands, but he remains very neutral and will always try and make sure my mum is not upset. My mum has called me jealous of her, and has also tried to enable her behaviour by saying she has had poor mental health recently and if I knew her better I’d know that. She says my account doesn’t match up with my sister’s actions; because my sister is constantly asking my mum how I’m doing. My mum has even said she doesn’t know who I am anymore. Makes me question myself and start to feel like I am causing everything, when I know deep down I’m not. It’s having a wider impact because I am less patient and more defensive of myself in other situations in my life. It’s all I can think about lately and the weight on my shoulders is so heavy with it.

If this ever gets called out she feels very victimised and has a very big reaction, turning it back round on me and saying I am looking for trouble and that she won’t give me an argument.

I find it useful to get unbiased advice on how to deal with this kind of dynamic, and what could be causing it.

I can’t step back until after the wedding, and I obviously can’t confide in extended family. I feel like I am always ranting to my close friends / partner and at some point it becomes unfair to hog the conversation with that and the tune needs to be changed!

I cannot see how this resolves as fundamentally you’re both in opposing positions. Your account is she misrepresents and maligns your partner, undoubtedly she’ll equally say he’s a bad un.
Your positive are that your father and partner get on and are close, that’s their own relationship that both clearly and mutually find rewarding. Is your sister jealous that your father and partner are close?
You can’t compel your mum to see this your way, and in fairness she may be privy to personal information about your sister mental health and that will influence her reactions and behaviour. Also, if your mum knows factors affecting your sister or heath issues she’ll be protective maybe overly so
i advise remain calm and don’t get drawn into drama, you’ll not emerge well and it’s frustrating to be misrepresented

@Zone2NorthLondon thank you, that’s very balanced.

I don’t want my mum to take sides at all as it’s not fair that she’s involved, but she seems to be involving herself. My confusion lies where my sister is inconsistent: ie, telling everyone else I want nothing to do with her and saying how rejected she feels, but blocking me on social media.

Making out like extended family members haven’t bothered to send a text for my birthday to make me feel a bit down when I was otherwise fine, yet going ahead and making a post all about herself and her achievements of that year in the evening of that day (I have a December birthday)

Unfortunately you’re in a no win position you won’t emerge from this with tension reduced and sisters in harmony. Your mum evidently feels torn and maybe can’t be objective. Of course your mum will hear a whole compelling narrative about you and your partner
Attend the wedding if it feels appropriate to do so, if you anticipate big histrionics, make an excuse don’t attend. you don’t have to be the good guest, compliant sister esp if there’s a risk of an argument or staged drama.

@Zone2NorthLondon definitely. Thank you.

Just a quick bump

Get through the wedding. Become interested even if it kills you - ring your sister and ask for updates regularly. You need to be impeccably well behaved. That's not to say you need to move your boundaries, blame your supposed lack of interest on stress at work or something, but don't go into details when asked "as you don't want to add to your sister's stress".

Afterwards you have time to think about things, and maybe go LC with them all. Limit what you tell your parents then they can't feed it back to her. The reason she asks about you is because she's jealous and wants to make sure she's not missing out on something. I got to the point where I told my own mum very little for this very reason. It was a shame, but she 'had' to tell my sibling, who'd then try to compete, so it was for my own MH.