Was my DH's response fair?

[Burgerqueenbee]

I have had several conversations with my DH about how I am struggling with mental health issues since having our DD (12 months old), I have found the baby stage very hard, and struggled a lot with accepting my new life and feeling like I no longer exist as the person I used to be. I feel fairly miserable on a day to day basis and have many days at a time where I could just cry at any moment. The conversations seem to be forgotten the minute after they are finished.

We have been away on a short break and I was feeling quite drained by having done all the work for organising the trip and sorting all the packing etc, as well as having took DD out on a 4 mile walk so DH could do some work he needed to get done while we were away. I just wanted to relax and chill a little bit when we got back but DH wanted to go to the beach and I had to go too. So I wasn't overly enthusiastic, especially since we were expecting my pil to join us for late afternoon/evening to have dinner, but I did go and played with DD, and was polite and friendly with pil although a little bit quieter than normal.

That night DH started repeatedly asking what was wrong, and I said I was fine just tired but he wouldn't leave it alone. He said I looked miserable the whole day, and I replied that I was miserable as I had told him many times, and I was struggling to get any joy out of things at the moment but I was trying to join in and make sure DD enjoyed herself. He then had a big go at me for being miserable and said it was disgusting that I didn't enjoy seeing DD's first experiences of the beach (it is not that I hated it, it was lovely to see her excited), and I was an embarrassment for him that I was not in full on hostess with the mostess mode with pil.

When I told him I felt like my existence was pointless he then went off on another rant about how do I think saying that makes him feel, why don't I love DD (I do love her) and other such things of a similar vein.

The rest of the trip I had to put on this happy wife mask, and had sex twice even though I was still feeling really hurt by his words.

I try my best to resolve how I feel and accept this new version of life, and I have been trying to find a counsellor or psychotherapist who is affordable and local so that I can be a better person, as well as trying to make and other small changes to improve my wellbeing. I understand it must be hard having someone like me to deal with, and I am worried I am not a good enough mother and don't do enough classes and activities, but was it really fair to blow up like that? DH didn't express any empathy or sympathy to my feelings, or ask if there was anything he could do to help. Was I being silly to think that having talked about my mental health before it should be a little bit expected that I might not always be 100% held together?

If I am being ridiculous please point it out kindly, I know I need to stop being self indulgent and push away my feelings and accept this change.

Jeez you poor thing. Sounds like you have a touch of PND and an arse for a husband.
You sound like a lovely mum to your DD.
See your GP and don’t put up with shit from your DH.

Your DH is an arse. I have been where you are and it sucks. Sharing a life with someone who cannot see where you are, is not pulling his weight and is adding fuckwittery on top of that is not a life partner you want to be with.

See your GP and have a chat with your HV. You’re really struggling and they might be able to help.

He’s clearly in denial about how you’re feeling and thinks a combination of ignoring and berating you will bully you out of it. It won’t and he’s destroying your marriage every day this continues.

He should be hosting his parents. He should be giving you plenty of time off parenting. He should be doing at least half of the work for a trip you’re both going on. You should absolutely not be plastering on fake smiles or having sex you don’t want!

No his reaction was awful - do you think his lack of help and support is also part of it (and why did you have to have sex twice)

His reaction was awful but very in keeping with people who have no real understanding of mental health. He seems to be the type that thinks you smile and it makes it all better.
Have you spoken to your doctor about how you’re feeling? I hope you’re okay! PND is really hard, many mums find it difficult to adjust to the new life, you are not alone in feeling like this. Please reach out to other people and talk about how you’re feeling.

My love I've been where you are. I wished I would disappear. I felt someone, anyone, else would be a better mum to my dd. I really feel you.

I got some help through my local IAPT service - if you google IAPT and your area it will come up with the service local to you. You can have sessions with them to help. I had 12 sessions in the end, free of charge. Also speak to your GP too and ask them for some help.

My dd is 4 now and I can see clearly now what it was at the time, but while in it had no idea so it's brilliant you're recognising it.
My relationship with my dd is amazing, and I feel nothing like I used to, and I'm actually expecting my second.

It. Will. Not. Always. Be. Like. This.

You can do it op

Are you working? If not, get back asap. I lasted four months.
Your DH is an arse. Let him swap roles with you if he doesn't understand.

His reaction was out of order; my DH doenst really understand mental health and is not the best but he accepts that my feelings are my feelings and doesn’t expect me to put a fake front in it

I'm willing to bet that he isn't the "host with the most" when your parents visit and he hasn't got the mitigating factor of having recently had a baby.

Thank you all for the kind responses, and the very helpful suggestions. I am glad I was not overreacting to his response and that he was being unfair.
I will check out IAPT, thank you @legaltigger .

Part of the problem is that from the minute I gave birth DD has become the centre of the universe for DH and I think that makes it hard for him to understand that I can still love her and feel how I feel.

@AnneLovesGilbert @Quartz2208 I had sex the first time because I mistakenly thought that it might help make things better or lead to an apology for upsetting me, the second time I felt I couldn't say I was upset with him because I had already said yes once (DH wouldn't have pestered or coerced, so it is my fault for not saying I didn't feel like it).

@cptartapp I have a small pt admin job at the moment as I was made redundant after mat leave and haven't found a new position in my field yet. I got a good payout so the family finances are healthy for a while but I didn't want to have a big cv gap even if this job is unrelated.

@Burgerqueenbee so you thought that if you did he would apologise - then because you did once you felt you couldnt say you were upset with him - but why simply not say that you didnt feel like it.

You seem to be saying that he cant handle you being upset or anything and that you have to appease him - he may not be outwardly coercing you but his inability to handle your emotions leading to your appeasement is a form of control.

He isnt allowing you to have your feelings and that is a dangerous path to take in terms of mental health

My post natal depression didn’t start til my DD was 11 months.

your husband is a selfish arse.