In-laws and claustrophobia

[exceptmeandmymonkey]

My in-laws live in a medium-sized U.K. city that is a popular tourist destination. When we visit them (DH, self, 3 DC) they stay in the house the entire visit.

An example day: breakfast in the conservatory, then sitting room, then lunch in the conservatory, back to the sitting room, dinner in the dining room, followed by TV in the sitting room before bed. Lots of tea. Never leaving the house for the length of our 3 or 4 day visit. No solo time, lots of polite chat.

My in-laws are in their early 70s, middle class/no money issues, mobile (actively pursue hobbies) and don't have health issues. Is this typical of British people, do you think? I'm a long-time UK resident but not British. A typical visit with my family would be broken up with lots of trips out and some alone time (e.g. walk in a local park, dine out for either lunch or dinner, maybe go to the cinema).

This way of hosting makes me quite claustrophobic, although I do get on with my in-laws. I usually assign myself errands when we visit ("I'll go get milk," "I see there's a new bakery that opened, I'll take the bus there and pick up something") which I think they might find strange but I simply can't stay inside all day :)

Oh my god I totally agree with you! Can’t you suggest a trip out? A walk, lunch/dinner somewhere?

What does your DP think? I’d hate being cooped up inside the whole time too.

DH thinks this is normal as this is how they've always been. I asked a friend of his who grew up in the same area with parents of the same generation and he said it's the same with them -- they mostly stay at home, with a very odd trip out!

Surely you can suggest a nice trip to a National Trust place? Look at some old stuff, have coffee in the NT type conservatory, more old things, lunch in cosy NT cafe?

PIL lived 2.5 hours away and we'd go up for the day and be expected to sit on the floor in their living room all day while they complained the kids were climbing the walls. It was much better when we started to go out to the park when we got there and then for a quick walk before tea - that way at least they would sit still for lunch. PIL wouldn't join us though and it wasn't long before the visits were just DH and whichever child he could bribe to go with him.

I live in a seaside town and have family visit.

No I don’t want to babysit them while they are here and ‘do’ the tourist attractions - if you want to visit the town, make plans and go and do and leave them in peace - arrange to eat with them at tea time. They aren’t your personally guides!!

I would also add the cost of having visitors is huge, meals out, day trips you’ve been on before, ice cream etc …. Just no.

They aren’t being rude, you are.

Why are you (and not them) not just going out for walks yourselves? Or for a few hours out somewhere?

You seem to be waiting for them to suggest something. Just decide for yourself what you want to do, invite them if it's going to be a day/half day out, but whether or not they join you, just go.

I can only imagine your bizarre and hostile response is directed to your own guests and not me. I have never suggested that my in-laws babysit, or that my visits involve them planning expensive days out which they fund. I'm happy to plan, happy to pay for, happy to go out solo -- but they prefer to be inside all day watching TV and chatting together. To them, that's a good visit.

They visit us every other month or so and those visits include daily walks, picnics in nearby gardens, maybe one lunch or dinner out, a coffee in a cafe. We leave home everyday because we always do, and they are welcome to join or stay home or play something themselves. They do not go out solo and I think they would consider it quite bizarre to book a dinner out together while visiting us. Their style has been the same since I met them 10 years ago, pre-DC.