Anyone else think people are becoming lonelier in our society

[cabbagepatchdoll12]

This is something that I have noticed a lot more especially since covid and so many people have said it to me too. There seems to be a loneliness epidemic. I even follow a therapist on twitter who I always thought had everything, but she has admitted that she doesnt have a single friend. In my own life, i have noticed the same. I make an effort with neighbours and people living nearby but most people just don't want to know, it makes me feel sad sometimes because I grew up in a small area where people were there for each other and helped each other, I guess I just miss those times

Has anyone else noticed this and why do you think this is?

Yes I've noticed this. I don't really have any friends either just acquaintances.

It's been happening since way before covid. I think people are just arseholes these days. 😂

Yes I think there is an epidemic of loneliness, especially among the elderly and members of society who cannot access the Internet. I think a lot of it is caused by long working hours and urbanisation. I live in an EU country and people here have a lot more time to socialise simply because their working week is shorter and workers have more rights than in the UK. Also, the elderly are much more visible and out and about in restaurants etc, presumably because their state pension allows it.

And I think in really rural areas, people have to rely on their neighbours in times of bad weather or other emergencies and you are almost forced to mix together more as a matter of course when you work on the land or with animals.

Social isolation is a strange business on Mumsnet though bc most people here are encouraged to go low contact or no contact with their close or extended families, or with their in laws, and are encouraged to leave relationships as apparently everyone is always much happier on their own. While this is of course absolutely the right thing to do in response to any sort of abusive relationship, I can't help thinking there are going to be a lot of single person households in future and while that may suit some, it definitely does not suit all.

Yes, I don’t have any friends either, just work colleagues.
DH used to be my best friend, but resentment has set in so I don’t have that either any more.

Yes and of course I meant to add that post-Covid people are either worn out, or suffering financially or are finding it hard to somehow go back to socialising in the way they did before the pandemic. Either because they have different priorities now, they have lost the will or urge to do so, or they are a young teen or young adult and they haven't had the opportunity to establish a network of friendships in the first place. I think Covid has been really, really hard on sixth form and uni students and those starting their first ever post-grad jobs.

Yes and I think remote working is going to be really problematic for younger people who spend 4-5 days a week at home on their own staring at a screen.

I think people don't get to meet up as much. Lots of everyday tasks are done online. People socialise and have conversations online e.g Mumsnet, Facebook.
Also everything is filmed now so when you go clubbing, pubs etc people don't like getting too drunk as they can be filmed.

Loneliness is a huge problem for society and one which is not confined to just the UK either. Its a global issue.

Re loneliness and families a survey by Action for Children found that 43% of 17 – 25 year olds who used their service had experienced problems with loneliness, and that of this same group less than half said they felt loved.

Action for Children have also reported 24% of parents surveyed said they were always or often lonely. Research by Sense has shown that up to 50% of disabled people will be lonely on any given day. Loneliness is no respector or class and or creed and anyone can feel lonely.

Loneliness is however, a completely separate issue from those who are advised to go low or no contact with their relatives and such is suggested as a means of protecting the now adult child of such parents or relatives from being further abused. People who write such do so in great detail and not out of spite; they are genuinely hurt and have often tried for years to gain approval from the abusive parent or relative.

Also there is a perception (which might be backed up with reality in some parts) that going out isn’t really a safe thing to do, either in the daytime and/or night time. So people may avoid going to activities and group settings, where they could meet people.

I'm not sure that people have become lonelier than in days gone by. Surely, the internet has increased our ability to communicate with each other if we want to, thus potentially reducing loneliness, although of course not everyone can use this method of communication.

I sometimes hear that the breakup of local communities has created loneliness but who is to say that people in communities were necessarily friendlier in the past? If my parents and grandparents are to be believed, small communities can be incredibly hostile and judgmental if they take against you, thus presumably creating loneliness for the person who is shunned. So, it was a case of conform or be lonely? The past was a judgmental place in a lot of ways.

I am not saying that some people are not lonely these days, but I think that some people in the past were lonely too. Obviously covid restrictions have skewed this, but in general they have now been lifted. I just think that loneliness is nothing new.

I think a big part of it is that so much is done now over the internet.

Random connections don't happen as much as they used to.

I'm only mid 30s and things are different.

Shopping can be delivered or self scan counters, most people don't queue at the bank or post office anymore. It used to be that you were 'forced' in a way, to go out to get business done, shop, pay bills etc, and during that then connections could be formed. I used to work in a charity shop and it was like an unofficial social hub for some elderly people.

People look at me like I have two heads if I start chatting to them at the bus stop nowadays (just nice weather or something, not invasive at all).

Another one I thought of the other day is that with smartphones, asking people for directions is now a thing of the past.

We go about in our own little isolated bubbles.

Yes, there are groups and meet ups and stuff, but I think that the more 'natural' organic mixing was better, especially for people on the shy side.

Households now, usually, need two incomes so there isn't a spare homemaker adult forging local connections and helping out the neighbours because they are not around.

Other parents won't listen if you try to tell them something about their precious child they don't want to hear so there are no building connections or trust between adults.

No one has the inclination to host dinner parties because it's so much work unless they want to show off their house! And children have so many activities in leisure time nowadays.

Plus the internet, where everyone can watch their own individual choice entertainment so there isn't, with the exception of live sport and even then only the really big big sport, any cultural anchor points to talk about, soap storylines or what song is No.1. Same with news, we used to get our news from the 6/10 BBC whereas now everyone hand picks what they want to read. Plus when TV was just live people went out more.

Brexit hasn't helped. Everyone wanting to outdo each other in every aspect of life to post online hasn't helped.

Saying all this there are people out there to connect with. Life can be full of colour if you ignore the negative folk. But you have to be more proactive than before it isn't all on your doorstep.

Loneliness is however, a completely separate issue from those who are advised to go low or no contact with their relatives and such is suggested as a means of protecting the now adult child of such parents or relatives from being further abused. People who write such do so in great detail and not out of spite; they are genuinely hurt and have often tried for years to gain approval from the abusive parent or relative

I was careful to say that my comments did NOT apply to situations where there is abuse. No where did I suggest that people went low or no contact out of spite and I don't think they do. Usually, it's far more complicated than that.

I do think my overall point has some relevance though. There is more pressure on families now. Family structures are not as strong as they once were and family members are scattered geographically. That can mean a lot of stress and pressure when they do meet up and if anything goes wrong, rather than working through it in a measured way, as you would if you could see family every day, you are under pressure to work it out then and there and sometimes this doesn't happen.

Also I was making a more general point about Mumsnet where the solution to problems often seems to be "leave" without equal consideration being given to people who will then be in situations which are lonely and isolated, when we know that social isolation is literally bad for our health. Of course in many situations that is a price worth paying but I think perhaps "leave" is sometimes said a bit too glibly.

@frozendaisy - along with your last sentence - there is an expectation that everything is attainable instantly. Friendship, as you pointed out, needs more prolonged work than ‘clicking a button.’
totally agree with your first paragraph. Stay at home parents/non parents have a large role to play in making communities cohesive, when they are absent, a community becomes little more than individuals or small groups living independently in boxes with nothing or very little in common.

Loneliness is a huge issue in society these days , most people are so busy with work , family , commuting , the few friends we do have are often on the back burner and we're too exhausted to see them .
I have an evening out tonight and I just can't be bothered , I'm shattered but have to make the effort . If I was WhatsApped to say it was cancelled I'd be soo happy .

I think people have got out the habit of face to face socialising after lockdown . Some of my friends and I have agreed we've turned into hermits lol
I am part of a Facebook social group for people wanting to make friends and there are literally hundreds and hundreds of people in the same situation .
People like me who have moved many times and previous friendships have fizzled out , single women and men who find themselves adrift now their partners have left , mums whose children are now adults leading their own lives . There is such a demand for forging proper friendships face to face not an online presence.

Yes, and the mass hypochondria has turned some people into complete hermits. Lonely, but afraid to go out. Very sad.

"Yes, there are groups and meet ups and stuff, but I think that the more 'natural' organic mixing was better, especially for people on the shy side."

That's an interesting point. I used to be really shy and socially awkward but I think all the impromptu short interactions with other people helped me- no pressure because I wasn't trying to make friends and I had a reason to talk to them- pay my car tax, lodge a cheque or whatever, or respond politely to "How's your mum?" by family acquaintances in the queue; even talking to people on the phone to book things and such (I used to have to write out what I wanted to say) or having to answer the landline to people looking for mum or dad when they were out and taking the message (pre mobile phone). Reflecting on it, these short, easy, little-and-often"forced" social interactions probably helped to train me out of being socially anxious.

We don't live naturally/normally. Everybody has their head stuck in a screen. Living through social media is very lonely indeed.

It's not an opinion. It's a fact. The breakdown of community and the rise of 'every man for himself' is to blame.

My DM and her friends used to socialise at the local Catholic Club every Friday/Saturday. It was walking distance, and they knew loads of people from there.
Maybe joining the local bowling/Catholic/Labour etc clubs is the way to go. I’m certainly considering mine as they have a weekly quiz night with reduced price drinks.

Sort of but I also think what ‘friendships’ are have changed. Now it all seems to be about girls weekends away, glossy insta group photos and OTT gushing tributes on Facebook.
there’s less casual interaction I find - all socialising is quite planned and structured. People (especially on MN!) don’t like people popping round, or even phoning, without notice. So that sort of organic interaction has been a bit lost I think.
its also very transactional - I’ve seen so many posts urging the OP to dump their friend because of one very minor ‘slight’ etc, it seems there is a very narrow frame of what is ‘acceptable’ friend behaviour

It takes time and energy to make and sustain friendships. We’re all so time deprived, and while working from home has its benefits, I found it horribly isolating. I’m all zoomed out after the work day is over, last thing I want to do is chat online. Fortunately we have lovely neighbours and during Corona we got to know them much better, lots of chats and mutual support over the garden fence.

It was not like this in the 70s and before, it is the rise of duel incomes required just to live normally. Villages and towns once vibrant with life are now silent during the week. Children are in nurseries and parents are working. Spare time is used to recover and spend time with dc.

I still have lots of friends but I can see why people struggle to meet up, we are all permanently exhausted. I have covid and cancelled everything again - all of us are managing cycles of covid , recovery, catch up - covid, recovery catch up.

i am not sure what the answer is - less screen time? 🫣

This^
People are arseholes simple as really.
I make effort with people and it's not reciprocated so I pretty much have no friends either 😂

Agree with alot of the above.

I'm lucky to have 4 people I'd consider friends but struggle on the aquaitances side. Its hard as I'm in a job that's considered sociable.

I'd struggle if I was poorly or had a drama a bit as my friends are a bit of distance away and they are from different parts of my life if that makes sense.

A few friendships have ended naturally as our lives take different courses and in a couple of cases, people being quite selfish over a prolonged period and I didn't want to be around that anymore. I loom back as well and can reflect that at times I was immature.

I feel I don't 'fit' as I'm a bit older, single, no kids and lucky to be reasonably secure in employment. I hope I've explained that OK and is not meant as a goady comment.

I'm a member of a few things but the people in those activities tend to stay there and not translate to friendship.

I'm going to keep putting myself out there and trying various activities and clubs. I know I'm lucky to be able to do that.

Sending warm wishes to those going through loneliness.

I agree that living through a screen can be isolating especially if you are young and have little experience interacting face to face. BUT if you have a special interest or sport, or hobby, social media is a brilliant tool with which to network and find friends and go to meet ups. It's so much easier finding out about what is going on locally on-line than in the small ads or on noticeboards as we used to in the 80s. I've made many rl friends this way.