Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is messed up...

16 replies

Lost007 · 02/07/2022 15:03

Hello I'm a newbie,
So in summary I've been in a closed Christian community for a year to help with my health and well-being. I have two kids. The girls there all lived in one house, travelled in pairs, worked together shared bedrooms etc. hope you get the pic.
So I became very close with a girl, once I was in a good place and we had a very close relationship. I'm pretty sure it was both ways and it was more then friends, long eye contact, blushing, awkwardness, touchy feely in a respectful manner, we was always hugging or sat playing with hair on the sofa. She used to get jealous when I spent time with other people and we'd argue like a married couple. I've never had feelings for a woman but I've never loved anyone like her, it never went away, I loved all her flaws and everything. Anyway, I left recently and she's running the house. We never spoke about it, I didn't know what I'd do anyway, but she's a proper introvert so I knew she'd never even whisper a hint of it, plus she's a Christian.
Anyway I was supposed to go and see her this weekend but with the closed Christian rules, they (the people who run the centre) found out I'd got drunk at a festival and stopped me coming up because they do not approve of any substance misuse but they've also stopped me talking to her, and she's can't contact me. I'm absolutely devastated about it, I feel like I've lost someone and im really struggling to cope emotionally. I know she's been very upset but hasn't spoken about it because that's the way she is (another girl there messages me secretly). I don't know what I'm asking I just need some brutal honesty about what to do. I can't talk to anyone about it, because I don't know how to explain that I might be Bi but only for this one girl and I have no idea if she likes me back and now I can't even talk to her. If she'd stopped talking to me I could move on but the fact someone else is forcing us to not talk is really hurtful. Any advice for this massive mess of a situation??? I'm just really hurting and lost. She made me smile like no one else and I just feel so sad.

OP posts:
LoonyIdea · 02/07/2022 15:05

What did I just read?

Bananalanacake · 02/07/2022 15:42

Are you living somewhere else with your DC now

Sitdownifyoulike · 02/07/2022 15:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at OP's request.

ThreeBrittany · 02/07/2022 15:47

I hope you're health and wellbeing is better now?

Are you with your children and is this Christian community in the UK? I didn't realise anything like this existed.

Mememene · 02/07/2022 15:52

I think you were in a forced unnatural situation, sounds a little cultish to me, well more than a little I'm being polite. Real Christianity is about forgiveness and second chances, not about banishing the evil drinking sinner lest they contaminate the pure people.

Had you not been in such an enclosed situation you may well never have fallen for her, I can see how this can happen.

Ultimately she's still in there living by their rules and you are out. Don't go back please for your children's sakes and your own.

I'd wager she'd be too scared of the "leaders" to be able to go out and spend some time with you in the real world outside?

janesmithsdog · 02/07/2022 16:04

You thank your lucky stars you and your children are no longer in a cult. You get a therapist, keep busy, make new friends, throw yourself into work, and you move on.

girlmom21 · 02/07/2022 16:10

I agree it's a good job you got your children out of there when you did.

rahjama · 02/07/2022 16:12

Wtf did I just read. Your poor kids, they didn't ask to be in a cult

If you can't talk to her then move on for the sake of your kids and do not take them back there. Explore the possibility you might be bi. If this poor girl ever escapes from the cult then speak to her about your feelings and see if hers are the same .

wellhelloitsme · 02/07/2022 16:16

janesmithsdog · 02/07/2022 16:04

You thank your lucky stars you and your children are no longer in a cult. You get a therapist, keep busy, make new friends, throw yourself into work, and you move on.

This.

Be thankful you're out and don't look back.

Summerwetordry · 02/07/2022 16:19

I know how hard it is to leave a cult. You are constantly love bombed and find yourself sucked in to harsher and harsher rules.

Women only communities do have relationships between people. Maybe the elders were aware and wanted you to stay away.

You have done the best thing and left. Never, ever think of going back. You have DC and presumably people IRL who care about you.

It seems harsh, but forget this woman. If she sees her situation and leaves herself I somehow doubt that your feelings will be the same away from the cult. Get on with leading your life. I'm so glad to be shot of a cult that restricted my life and, looking back, I can see the ways I was drawn in. I feel very foolish now.

Original poster
Lost007 · 02/07/2022 19:18

Summerwetordry · 02/07/2022 16:19

I know how hard it is to leave a cult. You are constantly love bombed and find yourself sucked in to harsher and harsher rules.

Women only communities do have relationships between people. Maybe the elders were aware and wanted you to stay away.

You have done the best thing and left. Never, ever think of going back. You have DC and presumably people IRL who care about you.

It seems harsh, but forget this woman. If she sees her situation and leaves herself I somehow doubt that your feelings will be the same away from the cult. Get on with leading your life. I'm so glad to be shot of a cult that restricted my life and, looking back, I can see the ways I was drawn in. I feel very foolish now.

Yes it was very cultish, to me at first it was a charity and I was taking a year out of my harsh professional job to go help other people and get my self some different experiences. The more I see now it's definitely very closed and restricted, we weren't allowed to speak to other people other then at work when everyone was around, no personal mobile phone. The phones we had were restricted. Sounds like you experienced something similar? Was that in the Uk also?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lost007 · 02/07/2022 19:22

rahjama · 02/07/2022 16:12

Wtf did I just read. Your poor kids, they didn't ask to be in a cult

If you can't talk to her then move on for the sake of your kids and do not take them back there. Explore the possibility you might be bi. If this poor girl ever escapes from the cult then speak to her about your feelings and see if hers are the same .

I definitely did not know the extent until I went and surrendered a year to them. They don't tell you before you go how restricted it is. I only wanted to go visit for the weekend this time, this girl has no family at all and is kind of stuck in there, she's very institutionalised as she's been there 3 1/2 years, I wish I could ask her to leave and live with me but she wouldn't. It's a very happy peaceful place but the rules make it like you are definitely not living in any form of reality. People leave and are just spat out, it's a transition to come back to reality. Thank you for your input.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lost007 · 02/07/2022 19:28

Mememene · 02/07/2022 15:52

I think you were in a forced unnatural situation, sounds a little cultish to me, well more than a little I'm being polite. Real Christianity is about forgiveness and second chances, not about banishing the evil drinking sinner lest they contaminate the pure people.

Had you not been in such an enclosed situation you may well never have fallen for her, I can see how this can happen.

Ultimately she's still in there living by their rules and you are out. Don't go back please for your children's sakes and your own.

I'd wager she'd be too scared of the "leaders" to be able to go out and spend some time with you in the real world outside?

Yes she's been there for over 3 years she's sticks to the rules like her life depends on it. She has no family and no where to go so I think that's what keeps people there, they do not help you move on. Yes I know the harsh reality is anyone who doesn't stick to the rules on the outside world is black listed. I just feel like I've let her down as I'm all she's got really. I thought my feelings would subside when I left but they haven't, think that's why im so heartbroken. Thank you for replying xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Lost007 · 02/07/2022 19:29

Bananalanacake · 02/07/2022 15:42

Are you living somewhere else with your DC now

Yes I own a house so I'm back there with the kids xx

OP posts:
DaisyStPatience · 02/07/2022 19:37

Wtf. I didn't know there were places like this in the UK. How did it happen? Where abouts is it? Is it all in one house?

Mememene · 02/07/2022 22:17

Lost007 · 02/07/2022 19:28

Yes she's been there for over 3 years she's sticks to the rules like her life depends on it. She has no family and no where to go so I think that's what keeps people there, they do not help you move on. Yes I know the harsh reality is anyone who doesn't stick to the rules on the outside world is black listed. I just feel like I've let her down as I'm all she's got really. I thought my feelings would subside when I left but they haven't, think that's why im so heartbroken. Thank you for replying xx

Show quote history

It doesn't sound to me as if you are going to be able to see her, you can't rescue her as she doesn't want to be rescued.

Sometimes you have to let go of people you love and it is really really hard, I'm going through it now for different reasons. The heartache won't last for ever and you are going to get a better life for you and your children out of that unhealthy controlling situation.

Stay away if she wants to leave, she will, just like you did.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread