Reluctant parents - feel trapped?

[albark]

Hi - please be kind. I'm actually quite scared to even post this, these days I wouldn't even put an innocuous comment on FB, the internet seems a very judgy and aggressive place a lot of the time.

I'm looking for some support and other peoples stories?

I stayed in a relationship I knew wasn't right, got married and had a son against my better judgement. I never wanted children at all, but at 40 got pregnant and now he's 3.

Yes - fully aware they are all my choices, fully aware I should've done things differently. Believe me. I start proper therapy in a week to try and unpack a lot of my issues/behaviours. So please don't pull me up on that.

My husband is a good father, reliable, solvent, and stable. We are in talks about how to separate. He's very calm about that, and supportive, there's no angry/aggressive atmospheres. It's tough though, we can't afford 2 separate places and we're struggling to figure that out.

I'm very lonely, I have a dysfunctional family scattered across the UK/overseas, with no single person to rely on. I have a few closer friends in the North, (I'm in the South) that all have busy lives and small kids.

I take very good care of my son, I'm not working right now after Covid killed off my job.

To get to the point - and hopefully hear others positive stories - I'm wondering how to cope and come to terms with being a reluctant parent, and being tied to a co-parent you wish you'd left years ago?

To me it frequently seems like an impossible mountain to climb. Which is making me very low and anxious.

Any other reluctant parents out there? I get mad at myself for not listening to my gut about not having children. And please - yes I know there's those who can't who probably hate me for saying that out loud. I don't need to hear that.

He's 3, a good kid, and I am a good parent to him. My husband insists I'm a fantastic mum, despite me feeling pretty empty/trapped about it all.

I get utterly overwhelmed and very low at the prospect of this being my life. Being a reluctant parent, being connected to a man I wish I'd left years ago. I constantly think of all the times before we were married/had our son that I could've just walked away. I had my own life and job etc at that point, (even lived in another country!) - I deeply regret not doing so. I should've trusted my gut and lived my own life, and not bowed to the pressure of doing 'normal family' life.

Now I'm in a place I don't want to be, in a situation I don't want. Obviously none of this is my sons' fault, and I'm acutely aware of that.

Any positive/similar stories? Please?

I'll ask again - if you have a negative comment then please, please don't post? I'm feeling low enough as it is, and am genuinely asking for support.

Thank you.

I think you’ll benefit from some counselling - do you think you are depressed, perhaps? It’s great that you have that arranged.

Parenting small children is really challenging. Marriages or relationships often don’t stay the course. If your DH thinks you are a great mum then this is just coming to terms with your feelings that things have changed in your life.

But nothing stays the same. You might have not done the traditional thing and decided not to have children, and still be feeling regret about that choice. You don’t know you’d have been happier.

That’s the thing about life - we can’t see the future or change the past. We just have to live in the present as best we can.

In a few years he will be in school and it will get easier.

You absolutely can still walk away from an unhappy relationship btw. Could you move to a cheaper town? That way you could afford to rent. It's the best time to do it in the next year or so and that way, your child won't have to start one school only to change.

I get that maybe yo think it's a shame to split from his dad but realistically, do you want to spend the next 15 years with him? No. So stop wallowing in your past mistakes. It's time to start planding a brighter future.

Only get one life op. You and your partner deserve a chance at happiness. The sooner you can get separated the better.

Um this is tough I think there's an element of recognising 'duty' as a kind of virtue, so if you can accept certain things as a duty rather than expecting them to be constant pleasure you aren't as disappointed in life and therefore it's easier to hold it together in between the fun bits iyswim.

Having food in, preparing meals at regular meal times - duty. Sitting and chatting with your son a couple of times a day, probably often a duty - I mean much as we like to kid ourselves otherwise tiny children are not great conversationalists. Washing his clothes (at least for now) still a duty. Think of yourself as an unpaid project manager and the project is keeping your lives on an even keel.

Kids need an adult to stick up for them when the occasion calls and a soft place to land. It is often lonely. But do your duty with as generous a heart as you can muster and they do tend to get better company as they grow up. Then you have an excuse to go to the movies, or just eat popcorn in front of the tv because 'its movie night' before you know it he'll be playing video games or board games with you and you'll find the bits that feel like fun.

It sounds like you are definitely going to split up with your partner which in your case sounds very positive.

Surely if you go for 50/50 or even him having your son more, then you will get some of your life back?

I think living in two places is sad for the kid but can often be a life saver for the parents as they get a breather.

I never planned on being a mum, let alone a single mum. I'd lived abroad for years and my money and life was my own. The 1st few years were hell, no support, no sleep and this little creature who had totally taken over my life. 17 years on I couldn't be happier.

It will get easier as they get older, nursery, school all give you more freedom to work. You have an ex who is supportive, so you will get time to yourself. You are doing the right thing by seeking therapy. Hang in there

Thank you. Yes I am depressed, I’ve struggled with it on and off for years. I swing between numbness (on meds) and feeling like I’m being sucked into a black hole (off them).

Makes it so much harder to know if I’m making rational decisions. Right now I’m in a bit of a black hole.

I know splitting is right. There’s just so much happening right now, (dad passed away 7 months ago) - I’m utterly overwhelmed with where to start. Hoping therapy helps.

just wanted some reassurance I’m not the only one who feels regret at having a child?

Yep, am wallowing. Have done for a long time. Then years passed somehow. Feel like I’ve not even been a participant in my life a lot of the time.

sometimes I think I’m just one of those people who isn’t ‘good’ at life.

Thank you. ❤️

Would your soon to be ex be willing to be the resident parent? And you see your son every other weekend, like so many fathers do? There is no reason not to do this if its right for you and your family. Then you can focus on the career you want and possibly move a bit further away somewhere cheaper.

Honestly will be easier when he gets older and doesn't physically need you so much. Take care of yourself and keep on keeping on xx

just wanted some reassurance I’m not the only one who feels regret at having a child?

You won’t be the only one. But I don’t think you regret having your child - you regret the opportunity costs of having had a child. That’s different.

I don’t regret my DC at all. But I am human and sometimes do have ‘what if the grass was greener?’ moments. When I was in the trenches with small children and tricky relationship shifts, those were more frequent. They pass, your DC makes you laugh, a small thing happens and you realise you don’t regret it all - just some of the things you’ve lost to gain something else. The thoughts are not abnormal. It’s how you act that counts, not the passing thoughts, even if they linger.

I’m really sorry for your loss. Losing a parent rocks your world, I know.

Not me but my best friend never wanted children but then changed her mind. Her dd was 8 when he had an affair and left and l know if she had her time again and knew then what she knows now, she def wouldn't have had her. Feel bad for her really. She copes by sharing their dd and making the most of her child free time and throwing herself into her work, knowing dd will one day not be as dependant on her

You have to try and stop thinking "what if". The fact is your son is here now and this is not reversible. What ifs are the soul killer.
Secondly getting rid of a partner you no longer want to be with is such a massive relief, the minute you put your key in your own door will be the day the massive burden falls off your shoulders.
Even better if you have 50/50 childcare, you get to spend half the week on your own and do what you want. That will take a load off. Its not until you have a child you realise how precious your time alone or with other adults is.
I bought up my DS completely alone and it was tough because I never wanted children either.
I had to work or I'd have gone nuts - I am not partial to small children and that helped loads. Being with other adults all day.
He's 40 now and we are incredibly close - him, DiL and I live together as a family, I have a granny annexe.
I would not be without him now. I'm in my 60's and cannot imagine growing old with nobody to call family.

Dear OP, I am in the exact situation like you. Like for like. I am also planning to split as soon as we are back from holiday in a couple of weeks. I think these poor choices stem from childhood trauma and resultant depression/panic attacks, and lack of self esteem.

I am sorry you are going through a tough time op. I think it would help if you could try to reset your mindset about this situation. This is one stage of your life and it is a tough one and of course you will be a mother forever but there are no right or wrong choices really, there are sequences of different events and you will have learned and grown from each one. Your son is at a very demanding age and you are at home with him all day. You will perhaps feel a million times better when he goes to school permanently and you can get a full time job. And you didn't choose too badly with your DH, as he is a good father and provider, and he will presumably share care of your son once you are separated. Life will move on very quickly.

They say of child rearing that the days are long but the years are fast! Hang in there, keep doing your best, know that even very much wanted three year olds can be blooming challenging at times, and things will change and develop, and before you know it you will have a good job, you will have child free periods of time and you will feel more yourself again. It's really not so much about sacrificing your happiness for your child as that doesn't really work and anyway the DC see through it. It's about facing life head on, being proactive, and trying to make your own life as as happy as possible and then your child will be happy too. Good luck.

I agree with counselling. For the time bring say to yourself I havd a three yesr old dependent on me as I'm his mother. I will make it my job to look after him ss best as I can. That's my job for now. Day by day.

Thank you @NoSquirrels , you make a lot of sense, and yes, it does indeed rock your world.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky my friend said something similar, about the growing old part. I actually cried a lot today, real grief tears. Felt a bit better for it.

@PollyPatella8 very sage advice. Thank you. I genuinely appreciate such a thoughtful response. ❤️

@Springflower866 I’m sorry to hear that. It’s so tough - overwhelming at times. And yes, I think you’re spot on re. childhood trauma then anxiety/depression.

I know I have to sort through a lot with a therapist. My dad passing away really opened a can of worms for me in terms of my awful, dysfunctional relationship with my mother. It’s not helping.

do you have any other support? What’s your plan for splitting?

Oh and yes, @PollyPatella8 you’re right, he definitely wants 50/50, and will do more if needs be.

There is a great Facebook forum called l regret having kids. It's a safe place to rant and say socially unacceptable things like my kids bug the hell out of me, l can't connect with my baby, l miss my old life etc etc.l have found it really helpful as there are not many places where you can admit such emotions

As someone who is the child of two parents who didn't want to be parents, all I can say is for the love of all that is holy make sure you never say within their hearing anything along this lines of 'they were an accident/mistake' etc.

To realise that your parents didn't really want you to exist is horrible.

@Roundthetwistyroad thank you…I will definitely check it out. I really wish it was more ‘socially acceptable’ to talk about these things - but clearly the post below yours just proves that there’s always someone wanting to have a dig.

I guess that’s why people like me keep it bottled up to the point of feeling completely on the edge of doing something stupid.

Thanks to those who responded with helpful advice.

it’s genuinely appreciated. ❤️

I’m going to close/delete this thread though, knew it was too much to hope it was a safe space to talk openly and get support.

Dear OP

I am new to MN. Do you know if there is a way to pm you about our mutual situation? I am not sure how to do it. It would be beneficial to talk to someone.