To stay or to leave?

[coffi123]

I’m with DP for 3.5 years, not married but living together since 2 years, no children, late 30s. I’m just so unsure whether to stay in this relationship, sometimes it feels like a ‘not good enough to stay, not bad enough to leave’ situation.

The good bits: he supports me in having my own life (doing the job I want, meeting friends and going out whenever I want, making decisions which I feel are right for me), I genuinely think he wants me to be happy, he would never dream of telling me what to do, he never talks down on me or criticises me, I am sure that he is committed to this relationship long-term and wouldn’t cheat on me, he doesn’t drink and doesn’t go out (I wouldn’t have a problem if he did, but he prefers to come home after work and either spend the evening with me - staying on or going out - or chill at home on his own if I’m out with friends), we trust each other and neither one of us ever feels the urge to check each others phone etc, we are both sexually attracted to each other, and very physically affectionate.

Looking at what other people go through with their partners, sometimes I feel I have hit the jackpot and I would be out of my mind to walk away.

But, the bad bits: he is incredibly stubborn (says so himself), and having a conversations which goes beyond the daily small talk just doesn’t work. Whether its politics, social issues (says his usually rather controversial opinion and doesn’t want to hear any other opinion) or my personal worries and concerns about life, future (says there is no need to worry about anything, and I have to work this out on my own and do what makes me feel happy in any case, nothing to do with him). He’s just not good at all in conversations and talking about feelings, he’s aware of that but also not interested in changing that. That’s also where the stubbornness comes in, he says that he is who he is and that’s that. Now, I do understand, but I am really longing for a partner who is also my best friend in a sense of that I can share everything that’s on my mind, talk through my worries, and get emotional support. I’ve addressed this issue many times with him, but to no avail.

He enjoys the simple life, going to work, coming home and spending time with me (and ideally children in near future - doesn’t talk much about this because he doesn’t want me to feel pressurised which I appreciate, but he does want a child with me). He doesn’t want to think about things like career progression, where we see ourselves in 10 years time, or any worries. Just takes life a day at a time with a happy go lucky attitude. No thoughts about global issues like climate change (for example, or wars, hunger in the world), wouldn’t waste a thought on recycling (I am a very conscious person when it comes to global issues and this attitude drives me mad, but I already learned to accept that we are different in this aspect). I also have to do all the organising around the house, making sure bills are being paid, arranging doctor’s appointments, booking travel for our weekends away, and doing his paperwork for his job. DP wants to have children (more than I want them) but refuses any conversation about how we’d make this work, financial arrangements, childcare.

Having a conversation about any of these issues just doesn’t work for the reasons mentioned above. He would say that he is who he is and he doesn’t believe that anyone should change for a partner. If I’m not happy with that, I should leave. I do agree with this, I believe we should not try to change our partners and accept/love them for who they are (hell I’m not perfect at all and he has to put up with me!), and I have so many positive things I can appreciate in him, but I also really struggle with being in a relationship where we can’t communicate efficiently, talk about what’s on our mind, or have any in depth conversations about anything, not even important stuff like having children. I'm not even sure that I want them, so how can I go ahead and try having them if I can't even talk with my partner about this topic...

Do I just need to stop moaning, appreciate what we have, accept that some men just aren’t made for communication and turn to friends if I need a good chat or some emotional support?

Im afraid this doesnt bode well for future happiness does it?

I would suggest you get a copy of a book called ‘Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay’ by Mira Kirshenbaum and it might help you clarify things!
Tbh though, I’d leave. If he refuses to discuss how you’d deal with having children, the biggest thing you can do in a relationship, then frankly I’d run, not even walk. You’re already doing a lot of the drudge work and mental load - it will not miraculously change when you have children.I mean - you’re doing the paperwork for HIS job?? He’s told you often he won’t change - believe him.

I am really longing for a partner who is also my best friend in a sense of that I can share everything that’s on my mind, talk through my worries, and get emotional support. I’ve addressed this issue many times with him, but to no avail

As with everything in life, if you want something, go and find it for yourself.

Do I just need to stop moaning, appreciate what we have, accept that some men just aren’t made for communication and turn to friends if I need a good chat or some emotional support

Why would you need to do this? According to whom, or to what rules? Where do you get your information about what you 'need' to do?

Thank you all for the replies...I guess I'm so conflicted because there are so many good things about him, and sometimes I think that maybe I just want too much, and should be content with what I have instead.
Thanks for the book recommendation @goody2shooz , I'll have a look!

You're late 30s, you don't know until you try if your fertility has already been compromised or not,but going by the stats, they aren't in your favour. You need to address this with your partner asap and stop wasting time if this is important to you.

Where do you see your life in 10 years? Sitting on the sofa with your partner watching TV or potentially raising your child (ren)?

Yes, it would be great if I could address the children question with him. I really haven't made up my mind whether I want them or not, but I agree this needs to be decided sooner rather than later now. I think the issue I have is that I'm not dying to have children no matter the circumstances. Or maybe that's a good thing. I could imagine being a mum if I felt confident and comfortable in my environment, but I'd need to know first how to manage finances, childcare and my job (which I love). Unfortunately my partner doesn't see it this way. He thinks it's a matter of wanting them or not wanting them, and if I want them nothing would stop me, hence no need to discuss any of this. He mentions that children are born in war-torn countries....I mean, yeah, but also...no, not good enough for me to confidently decide pro children, I'm afraid.

You are being sensible, by wanting to discuss and plan for such a life changing event as children.
He sounds far too laid back and immature if he thinks these things will just miraculously sort themselves out.
Sounds like you want more than he will ever provide (emotionally and mentally) and you will feel this more and more as time goes on.
I speak from experience and would say move on. Easy going seems great for the first few years, but unfortunately they don't step up when the pressures of life/ kids/ responsibilities increase.

also have to do all the organising around the house, making sure bills are being paid, arranging doctor’s appointments, booking travel for our weekends away, and doing his paperwork for his job

Why?
Is he paying you to do his papereork?
Why are you doing this?
Did he ask you?
Who did it before you came along?
What does he do for you?

All the good things about him are things that I see as a bare minimum, he lets you live your life and doesn't talk down to you, whoopdidoo!

Your values in life seem very different and he doesn't have the qualities that you are longing for. Why would you ever want to start a family with a man who is so completely uncompromising? It would make sharing parenthood miserable and full of lost battles.

I wouldn't waste any more time on him.

Well, he said some time ago that he would like to start his own business. I encouraged this idea, because A) I want to support him and B) I thought he might finally move towards future planning rather than happy go lucky. I already run my own business and I was happy to help him getting everything set up. But this was more an one-off thought it turned out, he doesn’t put any effort into it. It was me who set it all up while he continued working in his current job, and now I’m filing the monthly returns etc for him (so that we/he don’t get in trouble with HMRC). Basically he works in his old job again now (without my help) but asked me to keep the company we’ve set up running for him for now, just in case he wants to do something with it in future. He said he has no idea how to do these HMRC returns and that’s why he needs my help (I don’t really knew either but read the guidance, phoned the helpline and asked an accountant…things he feels he can’t do/doesn’t understand enough/is not capable of).

And for the other things - if I don’t take care of bills then no one would and I want to avoid having problems. If I don’t organise weekend trips we wouldn’t go anywhere. And if I don’t book a doctors appointment for him he simply wouldn’t get anything checked out and just hope he’ll survive…

@TheSmallAssassin there’s truth in what you say…maybe I do put the bar too low and forget to go for that I really want

Considering you are late 30s and don't even necessarily want children (to me it sounds like you really aren't that interested?), I'd move on from this and find someone who is better suited to you.

I could've written this around 10 years ago. I've left my marriage this year with my son.

The years of doing everything, giving all the instructions, planning everything, making decisions big and small was frankly exhausting. I also lost myself completely and ended up angry, resentful and a horrible person for most of the time. I did a lot of work on myself and decided to leave with my son rather than flogging a dead horse.

Someone like that is not likely to be a good father, at all. He likes the idea of having kids but does he have any idea what parenting involves? You can't be happy go lucky and "the future will take care of itself" when you have a child. Most likely he'd leave all the childcare to you.

I second the Kirshenbaum book, it really helps to work through these issues. Honestly, your partner sounds hugely immature and self absorbed. This will not get better! It doesn't matter if others may be happy with him, you are not and have good reasons not to be. Take the indecision about kids as a turning point and find someone who gives you what you want.