CMS - Emotional Blackmail and I have had enough (sorry, bit long)

[Floundering1]

Name change because I am unsure if my ex can find me. I almost don't know where to start, so going to try to breakdown 20 years into short bits. Summarising anything too identifiable.

Marriage: ex was non-physically abusive. I even didn't realise what it was until I asked for relationship help here (I was in emotional hell and thank you MumsNet peeps for helping me see what was going on). His aggressive tactics involved things like breaking things but his real skill is psychological - guilt, manipulation, financial control (guise of budgeting), tensions, rages, gas lighting, mixed with absolute charm and generosity.
I was his stay at home wife (manipulated me out of job after baby) and made to feel like a blood-sucker on his finances. All sorts of hell went on mixed with loving behaviour. When DC1 was old enough, I wanted to go back to work. Ex spent a lot of effort guilting me into DC2. When DCs were affected by behaviour, I filed for divorce.

Ex volunteered to do DV course (realised it was just to get me back - but he hadn't changed inside, just had fine tuned his abuse to be even more sly). Ex spent months trying to persuade me to stay. Then used DV course skills to try and persuade me I was abuser (near broke me). Several years... finally got the divorce and proud I didn't have a nervous breakdown. No one would believe ex is anything but nice - it might seem silly but psychologically I am absolutely terrified of him.

Fast forward to lockdown. Ex basically wants me to take him out of Child Maintenance Services, or he has the kids more (but suggests other option 'for sake of children'). I say parent more but we're staying in CMS (because he will be controlling with finances) but I am not his wrap around childcare. He stirs up all sorts - with schedules, mind games and DC2. I was on my knees emotionally (which is what he does to win). Anyway, end result is I'm with DC1 just over 50/50 (their choice) and DC2 50/50. Ex is having a fit because he still has to pay Child Maintenance of £500 a month (he earns £2K a week). I am in the lower tax bracket, but considering forfeiting payments it because I have had enough of ex. But Ex now wants to 1) be primary carer for the kids (they'll loose child benefit) 2) says if I were to go to CMS collect and pay he would have to tell the children he can no longer afford all the lessons he takes them too because he is struggling financially.

My dilemma - I will get by with out his child maintenance, but can he take away the Child Benefit? How can he do it? Also, if I let him basically use the kids to emotionally blackmail me out of CMS (his ultimate goal), I am scared that he will do more because he'll know it works. TBH I don't even know if I have the emotional strength for dealing with him.

You just need to go grey rock with him. Let CMS do what they are doing and just don't discuss it with him.

Ignore him, he can't get CMS stopped unless he quits his job, or in some way manages to hide it.
The rest is hot air, he would have to go to court to change to more than 50/50 & there is no valid reason for the present situation to change, particularly as it seems you already pick up his slack.
Ignore, grey rock, then ignore some more.

Part of me thinks so too. But part of me is terrified that he will turn the kids against me. I forgot to say that in his very long email, he's suggesting that he has the kids 100% He's really manipulative and I am scared and emotionally exhausted.

This is why you never have kids with someone like him, and I say it as someone in the same boat as you!
I agree with what the others said so far. Let CMS get on with it.
Have you sought any advice from one of the DV services or legal advice on his abuse?

Well quite. It's great they teach about relationship red flags in school these days.
I think legal advice is going to have to be next. He can afford it, I can't.

If he's earning £2k a week then that's £8k a month so he wouldn't be entitled to child benefit at all. In an instance where both parents put in a claim for the benefit, they decide which parent it goes to - in this case it would be you so don't worry about that.

As others have said, keep going through CMS and let them deal with it.
It is usually standard if it's 50/50 there's not always maintenance to pay but if he's earning £8k a month I'm sure £500 is hardly a stretch for him, as you say it's purely for control so definitely keep letting them deal.

50/50 is a fair custody arrangement, they won't award him 100% custody when there's no reason to change it

Hi everyone,
this is my first post and will probably be pretty long. I have nobody I can talk to about this at all so I thought I’d give this a go.
So abit of back story me and my kids dad broke up a year and a half ago and he’s seen the kids pretty irregularly since then. I’ve recently got offered my permanent place by the council and I’ve decided I don’t want to tell him the new address due to him previously threatening to turn up and take the kids and our dog we use to share.
He is aware we’re moving and has started asking for the new address. I told him last night he didn’t need to know it and that we needed to set up a normal routine that he sees the kids such as every other weekend etc. He has completely disagreed and has now started to emotionally blackmail me and I really don’t know what to do.
he’s saying that if I don’t tell him where we live and I don’t allow him to see the kids whenever he wants even if one week he decides that 6 days a week and the next he decides it’s 1 day then he’s going to get someone to come and take my dog, he’s going to put a tracker on my car, he’s going to put a tracker on my son, he’s going to set me up and put drugs in my old house and then call the police on me and he’s going to call social services on me.
I just don’t know what to do anymore! I just had social services close my case which was only done because of the concerns they had about him!! But I’m so scared that if they get invovled again they’ll believe him or get the wrong idea.
I feel like I don’t have any other choice but to give in to him, it’s like It doesn’t matter how much I run away he’ll always find me and even if I call the police and tell them everything he’ll only go and lie about me and try to “set me up” anyways . All I was asking for was that he see the kids every other weekend and that he collects them from a public place.

I have literally nobody I can talk to I feel completely stuck I’ve had about 2 hours sleep. I have absolutely no choice. Please if you have any suggestions please let me know and I know people will say tell the police which I can do but I’m just scared of what he’ll make up about me and how hard he’ll try get to get my kids taken away

First of all, you would get more responses if you started your own thread, so I’d suggest you do that.

Secondly, stop talking to him, any communication is in writing, then if he makes threats, you report him to the police. You offer him every other weekend and one day in the week, he doesn’t get to just turn up whenever he wants, if he demands a different arrangement, tell him to take you to court. No judge in the land is going to give him what he wants.

You don’t have to give in to this man, you do have other options, you’re free of his control now, which obviously makes him furious because he’s a pathetic, weak little man who only feels worth something if he has someone else under his boot.