I am 32 and have been with my DP for 4.5 years. Normally we rub along okay (though there are other problems that make me very sad, like no sexual intimacy, due to a physical problem of his that he has dragged his feet in addressing for our entire relationship). Last night we had an argument, because he took offence to something I said. He has form for saying some extremely hurtful things when we argue, but I think this might be the last straw.
The context was that we're dealing with a difficult service provider, and he's going to be talking to them today, and I asked him to make sure he stands his ground if they don't stick to what was agreed, as sometimes he has a tendency to be a little spineless in these situations in order to avoid confrontation. All of this is true, and I think he's aware of it, because we've talked about it before. But instead of trying to understand and alleviate my concern, he fixated on the word "spineless", and got angry at me. FWIW, I was just trying to use the most descriptive word, and I have also been extremely ill this last week with Covid combined with severe period cramps, and hadn't slept the previous two nights as a result, so if it wasn't the most tactful thing to say, it was because I am exhausted and I didn't think I had to mince my words so carefully around him. However I do remember specifically making an effort to phrase it so that he wouldn't go off on one, because he has form for becoming very unreasonable when anything is said that bruises his ego (and it felt like that's what this was about).
I tried to talk to him reasonably about it, but he wouldn't discuss the actual point, and instead just continued obsessing about specific words, and getting increasingly heated. I was upset, and told him I thought he was being unfair. He then said he was leaving the house, and shouted at me "it's time you faced up to the fact that no one in your family can stand you". He knows I haven't always had the easiest time with my family, and so to say this while I was already feeling bad felt like a really low blow. He then proceeded to call my dad to tell him how awful I was, while running out of the house. I was crying and trying to say that the things he was saying weren't true (because they weren't), but he was using the fact that I was a mess, while he was talking to my dad in an uber-calm voice, to "prove" that I was the unreasonable one. I was only so audibly upset because of how utterly unfair it was that he was manipulating my dad into thinking I'd been unreasonable, when he had said some awful things to me.
It seems that any time we have an argument, he really tries to hurt me with his words. He has even said as much, and seems to think that it's okay "because he was angry". I pointed out that I have never once said anything like that to him. Even when he has really upset me, I have never said anything with the purpose purely of hurting him. I feel that's such an immature way of going about a dispute, and shows no consideration for the lasting psychological consequences.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I hate him for this. For going for the one of the things that I feel most insecure about. For isolating me from me parents when I really needed the support myself. I hate how he makes me feel that I'm in the wrong, because I get emotional when he says things that are designed to hurt me. He really doesn't seem to understand why he can't just wave it away with "well I was angry, I wanted to hurt you". That excuse wouldn't fly if we were talking about physical abuse. Please help. I feel so alone. I don't know how I can be with someone who will say awful things to me, and use things I've told him in confidence against me when I'm at my lowest.