Need a friend or someone to talk to

[Staytrue05]

Hi

i don’t think I can ask for kind replies
why I came here because I’m so numb and feel so confused

ive been with my boyfriend for almost a year
he moved me in pretty quickly and I gave up my place

soon as I moved in the cracks began
hes very set in his ways
hes always right
very hard to speak to
i find myself just saying yes for an easier life

i know I’m being emotionally abused by him
he has 2 sides
he can be loving and so passionate that we’re just in our own little bubble
than like a light switch he changes to a coke hearted person
always threatens to leave me
blocks me from all mob access
and shows off thinking he’s clever on fb

i am getting to the stage now where I’m every week in tears
since Monday he don’t want to kiss me
turns his face up at me
always says your never get better than me
and when I question him for why he’s being cold towards me he just shouts at me to shut up and says I’m bugging him and he don’t feel the same about me anymore

i don’t see what I do wrong
i clean all the house and wash everything
i spent a lot of money on his house for us
I’ve helped him financially with his business
im not going to say he’s not paid nothing but we’re both in different money situations
im not the ugliest of people
he hates how much attention I get when we go out tho I don’t ask for it
i even changed my number because a old ex rang from a year ago and I got blamed for it
i don’t have fb to avoid trouble
I’ve gone out of my way for this person because I do really love him and respect him

yet he just picks me up when he wants to
i don’t know what to do
ive been holding on now for months
we argued bad last night he was so rude towards me
than when I broke down crying he said I’m sorry I love you and tries to have sex with me

i have walked out a few times because he makes me so upset
he normally calls than and gets back with me after I leave

but I want security
i don’t want these stupid fights any longer
im tired of him always making me jealous
he loves it and says take a joke
im tired of being rejected
i feel sad like I got no home and nowhere to go if I leave
i don’t know what to do
i don’t even think I got the strength to leave him
hes made me so weak

is there anyway I can change him or help things
tho when I try to talk to him he gets angry and shouts at me to shut up or turns his back on me and goes asleep

i know he has insecurities
and has some problems regarding his work and health

i feel so sad
im at a lost

That's awful.

The worst option is to hang in there, hoping he'll change. He won't. It's pure gaslighting, ie when somebody makes another person doubt their own sanity and undermines their confidence.

You really must find the courage to end it. Be clear in your own boundaries and what's not acceptable. You deserve so much better than this shit.

Do you have a close friend or family member you can confide in, and can support you as you end the relationship?

"is there anyway I can change him or help things"

No. He has done what many abusers here do to their chosen targets; i.e target them, love bomb them (this is probably also why you moved in with him so very quickly when you barely knew him) and then break them down into small pieces. With reference to your "help things" comment you are not a rehab centre for such a badly raised man so do not act as one.

Your own recovery from his multiple abuses of you will only start when you are completely away and apart from him. He having insecurities and having problems with his work are no reasons or justification for the abuse he is meting out to you now. Such men hate women, ALL of them. He does not treat outsiders or his work colleagues like this, it is for you solely that his abuse is directed at. Your relationship with him is over and was over the first time he abused you and you need to be safe. You are not safe at all with this person and he tried to have sex with you after making you upset. He is at the very least a poor excuse for a human being.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. Can you walk into a branch of Boots and ask for ANI (action needed immediately). Their staff can direct you to a private consultation booth where help can be accessed. If you can walk into a police station they will help too because coercive control is a crime but you may feel unable to do that hence my suggestion re Boots.

How supportive are your family and or friends here?. How far away are you from your family?. I would certainly go to Boots and let the staff there help you. The first step out of an abusive relationship is a hard step to take but you need to take it urgently before he further harms you. He does not love you; abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute here over you. The Freedom Programme which is often written about on MN would be extremely helpful to you.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Think on this too, counselling for your own self going forward could help you no end.

This man is abusing you. He's making you feel worthless and then switching to being loving and kind so that you never know where you are with him. You're so grateful for the times he makes you feel loved that you overlook all the abuse. He has you grateful for crumbs of comfort. It's not you, there is nothing wrong with you. It's him. He is trying to control you, keep you in your place and bully you. There are organisations like Women's Aid that can help you. Don't think he has to hit you for it to be abuse. Abuse can be emotional. You're being abused and you're worth so much more.

What the others say - please recognise it and get yourself "free". I stayed in a relationship like that for a loooooong time. It gets worse and it wears you down until you almost can't get away. But I did.

I used to think "Aw, he has X, Y, Z issues", "if only we could talk reasonably..." and so on. Nope. Sorry, but it's not going to get better, they are not going to change. Their behaviour gives them power over you.
But remember, no matter how you low you feel, you can get away. Please look after yourself. Call Women's Aid or similar for support.

Thanks for the replies

i know everything your saying is true deep down
my own mother says the same
i just wish he would be more understanding
he always thinks the worst of everything and everyone

i should of put in the post I got 2 kids and he doesn’t have kids
we have a 10year age gap me being in my 30s and he’s in his 20s
and I understand some people may find it hard to raise up kids what are not yours
but he says the worst things about that
like u already have children
I want to have a family 1 day so what I got to have a nursery around us of kids
I have to work for 4 kids
and my youngest is abit naughty and I can tell she really does grate on him
he says I wish I met u before u had kids
u got to respect me I’m 25 I can have a younger women without kids and start my own family

i feel stressed like well what do u want me to do than chuck them in the bin
wtf
who says this shit
makes me feel shit for having kids
and I don’t have them full time either
me and their dad split them 1 week him 1 week me
so I have a lot of free time on my hands without my kids
i provide for them myself
i don’t think their is much to complain about

he also says I’m worried in the future when their teenagers for sure there gonna hate me
how I’m suppose to deal with it
i can’t tell them off like you can
they won’t listen to me
i got to take all this into consideration

like who thinks that far down the lines
and always negative
maybe they might love u and respect u as their second parent for all that we know

i feel like he’s always picking faults with me
he does it with everyone too

im drained
i really don’t know anymore if I’m coming or going

Please reread the posts above - Attila always has great advice in these situations. This is not a decent man. He’s already told you he doesn’t accept your children, and that you should apparently be grateful to have him because he could have a younger woman if he wanted. He’s a nasty abusive piece of shit. Please do yourself and your kids a huge favour and leave him.

And no, your children won’t love and respect him as another parent - they will see him for exactly who and what he is, which will likely push them further away from you.

Your children will learn from this man that it's okay to treat mum like total crap, and if you have girls they will learn that this is normal and they should accept it when men talk to them like this in the future. Is that what you want? Yes it's hard to walk away and at first you will feel terrible because you'll go cold turkey from the addictive cycle he's got you in, but if you commit to the Freedom Programme with Women's Aid you'll get to a point where you wonder what you ever saw in him. He doesn't love you, he doesn't love your children. They need you to be strong and show them that their future doesn't have to look like this.

Sadly don’t really have any Family or support around me

what bothers me is I don’t handle things well
i am a fragile person

I just don’t know how I’ll cope with this
i feel like I don’t deserve this
but I also can’t face not being with him
he will be going out posting pics on fb showing off
while I’ll be crumbling
just makes me feel even more hard up like why’s it’s so easy for u to just switch off

before he met me he only ended a relationship a few days before and bedded 3 women in a space of a week than I come along
i don’t get how people can just go on to the next

i just feel like if I don’t have him I’m alone and it scares me
I wish I was the women I was last year but I’m not atm

I already lost weight and I’m only 8 and half stone
i can’t seem to eat atm I’m smoking 40 fags a day
i don’t know how I’ll be if it ends
prob end up going out of control

He's draining the life and soul out of you. It won't stop.
End this awful relationship, you are still young!
You'll thank yourself for it within 6 months when you feel your life and energy flowing back.
You are doing what I did a few years ago - wishing and wishing it all could change and it will turn out to be a great relationship.It won't.
Save yourself and your children from this heartbreaking merrygoround xxx

This is going to sound harsh but so be it; stop thinking about yourself and start putting your dc first. He's doing damage to you, do you think your dc are blind to this? What lessons in regards to relationships are you showing them? Get away from this abusive man and get your life with your kids back on track.

Walk away. You have to be your own security. You have to look out for yourself.
Ask yourself if you would advise somebody else to stick with this guy? I bet you wouldn't, so you need to care for yourself and look out for yourself the same way you would if this was somebody else.
I left a man who was awful to me, and things don't miraculously improve overnight. but over time, if you stand in your own corner, I was financially dependent on him and had two young dc so it wasn't easy to give up, although, immediately I did feel the peace of him not draining me! But I was broke and alone. If you believe in yourself and believe you deserve to be treated well then the result of that belief will show in your life over time. I hope that makes sense, it's a difficult one to express. But for a long time my life was just looking after dc but every small choice i made was well-considered, short term v long term and over time, I ended up with a good secure life because I was able to put myself and the dc first.

check out meredith miller inner integration and crappy childhood fairy on youtube (even if you didn't have a particularly crappy childhood, it's relationships and what we will accept that she talks about)

You can't fix him. He won't change. You must leave/kick him out.
I know it feels overwhelming but you can do it. I found a short stint of counselling sessions helped me leave a bad relationship. Life is soooooooo much better now.

He won't change. You should leave. Once you have gone you will feel instantly better. If you have no children you are in a great position. Leave.

“what bothers me is I don’t handle things well
i am a fragile person”

Im sorry but that’s why this abuser picked you. He’s a bully. You’ve done nothing wrong, he’s done everything wrong and he’s doing all of this quite deliberately.
As Attila said, go to Boots, go to the pharmacy counter and ask for Ani ( say it like Annie) They are trained to get you somewhere safe and let you talk.

You need to leave this man ASAP for your sake and your children’s, they should not be around him.
Good luck.