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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can I have some advice wording a message?

18 replies

cleanbreak2022 · 01/07/2022 23:31

Hi All,

My ex and I separated in Dec after his affair.

It hasn't been easy, I have been threatened and name called and he has had a suicide attempt amongst letting the kids down and just general rubbish parenting.

Transfer deeds have come through for the house and my mortgage offer. He has now changed his mind on settlement. It's all gotten very heated and my dad did get angry and call him calling him names. Not great, I know but it's been building for months.

Exp normally picks the kids up from school 3x per week and has them in my home for 2 hours.

Today he has called me a slag and cunt in my home and in front of his mum who just let him verbally abuse me and square up to me in front of my 1yr old daughter. Over the house. It's clearly now going down the court road.

He told me he won't be coming back to see the kids.

I'd like to send him a message, saying that moving forward this arrangement is no longer working for me and I do not want him collecting the children from school/childcare and being in my home.

I have this evening contacted a mediator for a MIAM but would prefer to not have contact with him until this is done.

I don't want to be misconstrued that I am stopping contact, that is not the case. I am stopping him having them in my home. He could force the issue as he is still on the mortgage but I feel very uncomfortable and not sure how to proceed.

I have also emailed a lawyer to arrange a meeting but I need something to go to him over the weekend so just need help drafting something.

OP posts:

Joyfultoes · 01/07/2022 23:33

Don’t send anything without lawyer input as you could affect your case. Just avoidance for now

Joyfultoes · 01/07/2022 23:34

And I’m sorry, you will get through this

Original poster

cleanbreak2022 · 01/07/2022 23:37

@Joyfultoes thank you. I don't know if he's going to pick them up next week or not though? I thought it would be best to make a plan in advance and say no. This is such a mess

OP posts:

Renniesfixeverything · 01/07/2022 23:40

It's obviously a bit of a nuclear option but a non-molestation order for intimidation would do the trick.

Original poster

cleanbreak2022 · 01/07/2022 23:42

@Renniesfixeverything thank you, how do I go about getting one? Is it something I can arrange in a few days?

OP posts:

Flyinggeese1234 · 01/07/2022 23:46

I agree don’t send any message without legal advice.

What did he mean by ‘won't be coming back to see the kids’? That sounds like he’s walked away anyway?

Original poster

cleanbreak2022 · 01/07/2022 23:52

@Flyinggeese1234 he's said it before because he knows it screws me up at work and I have to leave work early to pick them up. He uses it to inconvenience me. Or he picks them up late and I have to pay additional fees.

He is likely to pick them up and bring them to my home but I'm then left feeling anxious/nervous and I just can't continue to live like it

OP posts:

Lineala · 02/07/2022 00:26

The best thing in these situations is to enable contact but through a third party. Do you have a friend or relative who could enable a visit for him in their home? Or is there a local contact centre?

Renniesfixeverything · 02/07/2022 00:30

Women's Aid are probably the people to advise the best way to apply for a non-mol but I'm pretty sure you can apply to the court yourself. I can't post links on MN since the update for some reason but have added photos of what I've found online.

Can I have some advice wording a message?

Flyinggeese1234 · 02/07/2022 05:51

Sorry OP, I was naively wondering if he’d played it so that you didn’t have to communicate that message at all.

Greenberg · 02/07/2022 06:07

Does his mum work? If not could she pick them up so they see him at her house, or is she being obstructive with you too?

BackInMarch2020PreCovid · 02/07/2022 07:02

See I would text or email him. I’m not a solicitor but you are allowed to stipulate facts, concerns and safeguard you and your child and as you say, this needs to be a clear message. The house side of things isn’t relevant here for the purpose of your communication with him. My starter for ten:

Hello wankbadger-husband

Following you being verbally abusive to me, in front of our one year old daughter and your mother on [date] in our home, I will now be changing the pre-existing arrangement of seeing the children.

You stated today that I was a “slag” and a “cunt” and additionally squared up to me in a threatening way.

I will not be spoken to that way or threatened and any further behaviour like this, will be logged with the police.

To do this in front of our daughter has also meant that I no longer feel the arrangement to have the children 3 times a week, after school, in our home is the right thing going forward.

As you stated “I won’t be coming back to see the kids”, and this is the [x] time you have said this in [x] months, I believe now is the time to stop this arrangement temporarily.

I have spoken to a mediator, MIAM, who will help us both navigate our communications and you seeing the children, if you wish, in the very near future. However, as above, you’ve stated multiple time you don’t want to see them, so this is up to you to discuss this with MIAM further.

To be absolutely clear, you are no longer required to pick up George and Georgina week commencing 4th July. I have notified the school too. MIAM (or myself) will be in touch with you in the coming days to discuss future visits.

Any response to this message, will be forwarded to them and I will not reply.

@Flyinggeese1234

SmileyPiuPiu · 02/07/2022 07:07

moving forward this arrangement is no longer working for me and I do not want him collecting the children from school/childcare and being in my home. I think this sounds good to me! Maybe put in that as he told you he won't be coming back to see the kids you don't see this will be an issue.

SmileyPiuPiu · 02/07/2022 07:09

Or say something like after the events of yesterday I am not comfortable with the current arrangements and you have expressed you won't be back to see the kids. I suggest we put a pause on the arrangement until we have spoken to the meditator.

Original poster

cleanbreak2022 · 02/07/2022 07:13

Perfect! Thank you!

Do you think I should still proceed with non-mol?

OP posts:

Shitscared123 · 02/07/2022 10:02

@BackInMarch2020PreCovid suggestion is perfect but I wonder if this should be sent via your solicitor to prevent any back and forth? I do write factual emails to cunty ex so that I have a chronology of all events, however, given your ex’s intimidation and abuse in front of your child, I’d take a zero tolerance approach in case he escalates.

i hope things settle quickly for you and your child.

BackInMarch2020PreCovid · 02/07/2022 10:33

Yes - proceed with the non mol order @cleanbreak2022

sorry you’re going through this

Original poster

cleanbreak2022 · 02/07/2022 11:19

Thank you everyone.

I'm looking at the non mol order and I need evidence. I don't really have any witness' apart from his mum who walked off and allowed the abuse to continue.

Could the fact that he arrived with him mum be used as evidence of intimidation? It wasn't arranged and I was given no warning. I have that on my ring door bell. I also have footage of him walking out with his mum then returning to argue without her there. I called her back.

OP posts:

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