Telling kids about breakup when your ex won’t join in

[bathwatertea]

So my marriage broke down over the lockdown and since February we’ve been officially separated. The divorce paperwork has been started. He’s moved out but comes back to the house to see the kids, and some of his stuff is still there. However, he won’t let us tell the kids we’ve broken up. I accepted this for a while but as the months go by I just want to say it to them.

The marriage was so broken there has been no friendship or intimacy between us for years, and he is often away, so I think all the kids have noticed is less arguing and that he is a bit more absent, and that I am recovering (it was a persistently abusive marriage).

Anyway, I think I’ll tell them on my own. Does anyone have any experience of this? I might say something like ‘I have decided I don’t want to be married to dad any more as he hasn’t been a good friend to me’ — or is that too far? Help.

Dad and I have realised that we are happier apart as Mum and Dad but not as man and wife. We both love you very much etc tell them any living or visitation arrangements that you are sure of at this point

How old are the kids?

Sounds like the abusive idiot is continuing his controlling abuse of you and your kids. I'd get them told whether he likes it or not - but be prepared that he is going to make it out to be entirely your fault/doing infront of the kids.

Yes, dad and I have decided —- don’t take it all on yourself.
You’ll still see dad like you do now but we’ll live here, he’ll live somewhere else. Keep it simple and answer any questions they might have.

I think it all depends on the ages of your children and whether they have asked questions?

what have they asked and what have you told them so far?

They are 8 and 10. They haven’t asked anything but the older one certainly knows we don’t love each other/it’s over. They’ve heard him talking to me with such contempt over the past years, calling me all the names. No, he refuses to be there for the conversation.

I haven’t told them anything about this particularly but I have tried to give age appropriate explanations of his behaviour: ‘It isn’t nice to speak to people like that and that’s why I’m upset. If anyone ever speaks to you like that you should not spend time with them as they’re not being a good friend’ and so on. They’ve witnessed a lot. He’s also an alcoholic.

Why's he still being allowed to see them if he's an abusive alcoholic? Why are your children being exposed to that?

Tell them you and daddy feel that you'll get along better if you're children have two happy homes rather than one not so happy home.

Based on your updates I would actually be inclined to be honest with them. They are old enough to hear the facts.

'Your dad was not a good husband to me so I'm leaving him because we should never stay around people who treat us badly. Life is too precious. We are still your parents, we just won't be married anymore. Which is good because we will both be happier without arguing all the time. Amd I'm sure you two will feel more at ease in a stress free environment too'.

Yes, @Pinkbonbon that’s more along the line I was thinking. I’ve tried hard to walk the ‘amicable’ route with this because he is so horrible in confrontation/has the potential to become vengefully acrimonious. But I don’t think I can stretch it to a ‘dad and I have agreed’ line. But maybe.

If they were younger the 'dad and I have agreed' may have been better. But at their age I think ts better to see their mum say 'I'm not ok with the way i was treated so I left. Because it's not ok to be mean to your partner and if they are mean to you then you should leave'.

Good lesson to see their mother walk away from poor treatment. So that they will learn not to treat or be treated by others that way too.

Also if he tries to convince them that he is sorry and you won't forgive him, I'd say to them 'if I kicked a puppy would that be OK?' (No) 'So if I kicked a puppy and then said I was sorry, does that mean i should be forgiven? No, because there are some things we just never do. And so it doesn't matter even if he is sorry, which I doubt, it doesn't change anything. We have to have self respect and boundaries and part of that is walking away from people who are mean to us. Whether they like it or not'.

Thanks for all these ideas