Wouldn't this give you the ick?

[CataTonic58]

If you were ever (knowingly) an OW, didn't it give you the ick knowing that the clothes he's turned up in were probably washed and ironed by his wife, that the aftershave he's wearing was probably bought for him as a present by his wife/DC, etc.?! Doesn't all that family stuff make him seem less - I dunno, 'sexy'?

Exes ow supposedly also a friend of mine plain didn't care. Chose to swallow his lies that our marriage had been dead for ages despite her also hearing from me otherwise.

Ime since too irl and on forums many ow are plain amoral empathy free selfish people who don't care that they are contributing to the breakup of a family/marriage they only care what they're getting out of the situation.

I too was surprised at the assumption that married men don't do washing and ironing, or buy their own aftershave! I hope my DH never has an affair, but if he does he at least has the wherewithall to have ironed his own shirt before he goes out!

I'd say a high percentage of knowing OW are in relationships themselves, so will be washing their own partners pants and wearing clothes their own partner bought for them too.

Graphista
Ime since too irl and on forums many ow are plain amoral empathy free selfish people who don't care that they are contributing to the breakup of a family/marriage they only care what they're getting out of the situation.

Those evil other women…plotting to entrap and steal these hapless, helpless men against their will 🙄

My ex's ow was married when they both started an affair. They are now together after ripping apart 2 families and changing the lives forever of 5 children across the 2 marriages.

Like that isn't enough make your tummy turn my friend pointed out that there probably was a day where my ex and I slept together and so did ow and her ex, and then they got it on the same day. Talk about a mind f*ck! Thankfully I had a STI check when I found out about the affair.

What makes men like Pierce Brosnan and the “new Ken,” Ryan Gosling, and other men like them, is they don’t cheat on their wives/lovers.

Give me a man like that over a cad any day.

I was unknowingly with a 'husband' for nearly two years. Then found out on ig he was married🥴 he said they were seperated (which at the time seemed to be true because we were together ALOT) He had his own place, he had three kids (I knew about them never met them though), he was always well turned out or had people who did his everyday things for him. Anyhoo, we broke up then the following summer he came back to me, told me he'd told his wife he loved me 🙃 (which explained her stalking me on ig and making digs in the comments of the mutual pages we used to follow) and thats when I really got the 'ick'. Didn't want to know and the hatred had gone from simmering to full blown boiling by then.

You don't know a single couple who divide chores on traditional lines, or where the woman doesn't work, or works part time and takes on more of these tasks? Or know one man who is idle or inadequate or selfish? If not, you're the exception not the rule.
The OP doesn't need to have a low bar to recognise that many men do not do these things. sometimes as part of a fair agreement, other times because they're generally poor partners. Not to mention she is talking about men who are having affairs, so the fact they may or may not cook the tea is somewhat moot in terms of their quality as a partner.

Oh goodness
So sorry I posted incorrectly, was trying to start a post. I do apologise.

The OW is typically fed a pack of lies. Told the marriage is "more like a friendship, completely non sexual, she doesn't listen to me, she doesn't pay me any attention, she doesn't appreciate me, haven't had sex in years, years I tell you....."

Those evil other women…plotting to entrap and steal these hapless, helpless men against their will 🙄

Cheating partners spouses are the worst, but knowing ow - or indeed om - are yes scum imo

This utter NONSENSE that they aren't behaving immorally is bunk!

The OW is typically fed a pack of lies.

And in the majority of cases CHOOSE to believe them when any one with any common sense would know better!

What you are describing is overblown "my wife doesn't understand me" nonsense

I've been approached by married men, few women haven't ime, but the moral and sensible thing to do (for my own sake as much as anything else who needs that crappy drama in their lives?!) is to rebuff them.

It's not difficult to do

Didn’t think we could own other people - how does this work then?

‘Didn’t think we could own other people - how does this work then?’

With a hefty amount of delusion it seems. OP what’s your real question?

So what, OW will be envisioning him at the ironing board, him cooking his dinner, etc. while his wife does, er, what?!

Why shouldn't he be ironing his own shirts and taking his turn at cooking family dinners? Have we gone back to the 50's?

And to answer your question, maybe the wife is working? Doing homework with the kids? Other chores?!

The way you've written this is almost as though if a man is left to iron his own shirts or cook dinner, it justifies the affair?

I was the OW once, and to be honest, I was young and I had not been in a LTR before so didn’t really understand the hurt (understatement) it would cause the wife, kids etc. And no, I never thought about who did his laundry etc.

To some degree I believed the crap he’d say about her that she treated him poorly. He also relentlessly pursued me whenever I told him to F off and come back when he was single/sorted out his divorce (that hadn’t even started yet). I never initiated contact and I definitely did not get any pleasure from sneaking around with someone else’s man.

Anyways, now having been in a LTR (and growing up and having more self respect) would never, EVER let myself be in that situation again. I truly and deeply regret it.

My ick would come from the fact that clearly he's such a skilled liar that he can live a double life.

Read into 'mate poaching' it's fascinating.

There are women who find attached men more desirable because it boosts their ego to win the 'prize' off another women, or women who covet someone else's partner because he displays all the attributes (good father, provider etc) they desire for themselves. Among other reasons.

These women often do know that the object of their 'poach' is taken. Social media helps that a lot and they look for weaknesses in the relationship.

These women don't care for one minute who is doing the washing or buying aftershave or whether they're still having sex in the primary relationship because they're driven by a desire to claim that 'prize'.

This happens all over the animal kingdom. Absolutely devastating when you're at the rough end of it.

Whilst I don’t doubt that there are women like this, if you have an affair it is 100% your own fault whether you have been pursued or not.

It’s interesting that there doesn’t seem to be the concept of the predatory OM. They are just seen as “a bit of a lad”.

Yes, I've just read about that, coincidentally.

My question was prompted by another thread asking for advice about a married man and how to avoid a potential affair with him. Beyond finding him physically attractive I wondered why a woman wouldn't start to find him less of a turn-on when she knows that he's a family man. For me, knowing he had just been doing family stuff - and that his wife and his DC had been doing family stuff with him as well - would be a huge turn-off. Knowing that the shirt I might be pressed up against on him had been ironed by his wife would just make him much less of a man in my eyes.

My examples of ironing and aftershave in the OP were not great as it distracted from the main question.

Explanations about the ego of the OW and 'mate poaching' make sense.

The concept of 'mate poaching' does extend to men too, but it's not as prevalent because in the animal kingdom it's seen as more dangerous, males fight males over the female. Predatory males are often discussed in fact there's a thread on here atm of a man trying to cheat being described as predatory and very little blame being apportioned to the unattached female.

Of course the choice to cheat is 100% on the cheat but to deny that doesn't mean that the women involved don't have their own lack of morals. It's disingenuous to deny that.

Last paragraph should read...

Of course the choice to cheat is 100% on the cheat but to deny the women involved are culpable in any way is imho ridiculous.

'Beyond finding him physically attractive I wondered why a woman wouldn't start to find him less of a turn-on when she knows that he's a family man. For me, knowing he had just been doing family stuff - and that his wife and his DC had been doing family stuff with him as well - would be a huge turn-off. '

Weirdly, the fact they're 'family men' makes them more alluring. I read one article which says that their stability, the fact they've proved they can 'commit', the fact they show good father traits is exactly why they are seen as a higher prize than an unattached male. So what we believe would make them unattractive works in the opposite way.

Mate poaching indeed. What will they dream up next? So according to that nonsense, a man is simultaneously both sufficiently 'alpha' to be considered a 'prize' and feeble and weak enough to be game?
And what a gift to the cheat too. Its not poor DHs fault he's so sought after women can't help but poach him. Better up my own game and make sure he's ring fenced at all times!
If ever a theory was invented to serve men its that one. It would almost be amusing if women weren't actually buying into it.

Deep sigh... it's not JUST women, this thread was about women who cheat with married men so I wrote it in that context. The theory applies to BOTH sexes.

And in no way does it diminish the actions of a cheat, there's a whole load of theories around them, it's a theory to explain the psychology of 'some' women who get involved with married men. As such it's interesting.