Should I tell partner about giving a deadline on our relationship?

[Confusedmama1234]

So my relationship has been going downhill for the past few years. We met whilst travelling and 18/19. Had a crazy passionate summer, the most intense connection and he was my best

Some of your post is missing

Sorry it cut off. He was best friend for a long time. Fast forward to 13 years and 2 kids later, we're stuck in an ever growing rut. We have young kids so I know we're both tired, but every night is just watch TV or sit on our phones not talking to each other. We argue about EVERYTHING - literally everything. I'm starting to dread spending time with him because it causes me anxiety that I will do something wrong (like you know, pack a nappy bag incorrectly or walk too close to him) and we will be in a fight. There's less and less happy times. We stayed in a hotel overnight as I wanted to try and get the spark back without kids to see if that was some of the problem, and it was just awkward, we had nothing to talk about and there

Ah this keeps posting withiut me finishing!

Anyway, long story short, rship is shite at the mo. He's depressed, and we're super separate. I want to try absolutely everything I can do save it cause of the kids. But I have set a date in my calendar for 6 months to reasses and see if things improve by then - if not, I will be looking at probably ending the rhsip. Question is, should I tell him about this 'deadline'? Or is that a shitty thing to do? I want him to make some effort to save our rhship too.

I would first talk about the relationship and what needs to change, perhaps you've done that. Then tell him about the date if you want to, at least it gives him a chance to sort himself out and understand how unhappy you are

I would be honest with him about how you're feeling and what you'd like to change in the relationship, maybe try to set some time aside to work on it and maybe some fun family time as well.

I think with how the past few years have been a lot of people are in the 'rut' of staying in watching tv and not doing much else- so maybe sit down together and make some plans of things to do both with and without the kids, even if it's a small thing like going for a walk, have a coffee together kinda thing.

However, I wouldn't tell him about the 'deadline' , simply because he may improve temporarily with the date approaching and that may not be a true reflection of how it's going. Also, it implies one sided blame and that may not be the case.

So in short- I'd use the 6 months to really try and work on it together but I would keep the 'deadline' to yourself so you can see how it goes.

I would echo the PP, have a 'cards on the table' conversation, that you aren't happy, that you really want to save the relationship and want you both to give it your all and turn things around, but if there hasn't been significant change in the next 6 months you think it may be best to call it a day.

It seems a little unfair to have a date in mind and nir give him the opportunity to help turn things around. They aren't just going to magically improve

If you're not interacting with each other, and he's having a go if you do such simple things as walking too close then it sounds as though he's checked out of the relationship. Would he consider any couples counselling? If you're able to have a discussion with him then it's worth asking whether he feels the relationship can be salvaged, and whether he's willing to try with you.

We tried counselling for two sessions, and it was the best thing. I felt so positive afterwards, would have love to have done more. The thing is it costs 200 dollars per session, and I am on mat leave so money is tight! If anyone jnows of affordable counselling that would be amazing

If you genuinely think that by talking to him he will change his ways, then give him a deadline.

Otherwise, don't bother - you would be flogging a dead horse.

Of course you should tell him. Talk to him. Your relationship is dead if you don't communicate. You sound like you're testing him to see whether he is worthy rather than wanting to work on things. If he doesn't, then you know. But giving yourself six more month of the same isn't going to solve anything.

Tell him you feel the relationship is going nowhere and can we work at it for 6-12 months before calling it a day

Try the book ‘The seven principles of making marriage work’. Work through it together. Lots of questions and activities to reconnect etc. Works on the Gottman principles of relationship counselling.

From talking to people in long marriages I’m fully aware that they ebb and flow, ups and downs are really common with someone you spend every day with, and it’s so normal to miss that spontaneity from that crazy summer and think “where have we gone?”, 13 years is a long arse time pal, but so is 50 odd years, if you feel
its just too unbearable to spend that long with this person then communicate that and move forward, however, if you can appreciate his good points, what you bring to the table for him, what he brings to for you and chat about how you’re feeling then it’s always a good start at ‘working at it’ and becoming content in the next chapter of your long relationship (the phase of- young kids, both knackered, both taking it out on each other, not enough time in the day to have you time and relationship time etc.). Then it becomes easier to accept that right now.. it’s just a phase in a long and strong relationship.

Maybe message him, don't say you want to break up as that sort of gives him an excuse to check out and not bother.
Instead say something like I hate the arguments we both have what can we do to improve things.
Would you like to have dinner alone once a week/ month.? Or meet for lunch?
Suggest things and see if he bites, if he can't be bothered you have your answer.

200 dollars per session for counselling is still way cheaper than divorce. If it's helped in the past, then it's definitely worth giving it a go.