Is this scapegoating?

[Fladdermus]

Is this scapegoating or am I in denial and my son is actually rather naughty. Or am I over thinking the whole thing?

Yesterday we were at woodland park cafe with MIL and FIL. There was a croquet set for visitors to play with and MIL made sure everyone knew she played in a proper croquet team and then started playing with FIL. It felt like performance croquet.

9 year old autistic DS had no interest in playing with them but was quite happily clonking a ball round the lawn, using the club like a golf club. MIL noticed and was furious, shouting at him that you don't use a croquet club like that. DS ignored her and carried on, so she snatched the club off him and started clearing away all the croquet stuff. FIL said something I didn't hear and MIL replied angrily that we have to put it all away as he just doesn't ever listen. DS stood there looking a bit confused.

A while later he was playing with another toy the cafe had put out, throwing it around. MIL was huffing and puffing in annoyance, but I ignored her and went to the loo. When I got back she was still doing it. She then tells me that she was just saying to FIL that DS knows what he's doing as he wouldn't be throwing his Switch around like that. He was playing with a bloody frisbee, what else is he supposed to do with it? She then changed tack and said she was worried about him hitting other visitors with it, especially the babies which were on the grass with their families. The cafe garden is like a football field. The babies were at least 50m away. So I told her that too. She then shut up.

But I can't get it out of my head. Most of the time she's really nice, but she has moments when it feels like she's really mean. This time it felt like she was making out DS was being badly behaved because she'd made herself look a bit daft with her performance croquet as nobody was watching admiringly and DS gave her a way out.

Does this sound like scapegoating, trying to paint him as naughty to distract from her own issues? Or was he misbehaving and do I need to up my parenting?

No. It sounds like she was worried about his behaviour and the impact it had on others.
Does she know about his autism .. I mean understand?

No it's not scapegoating.

I think she had a point when she started to play croquet properly that she had a chance to actually play (croquet isn't commonly provided, so she was probably rather pleased to have a rare chance). I think DS was wrong to be galumphing round when people are playing. She did get it wrong by trying to teach him how to join in when that was too much for him. He should have been removed and redirected to something else.

Harder to say about the frisbee - you didn't see what happened, and whether DS was following the frisbee much closer to the other families

Short answer would be to chalk it up to experience, and avoid leaving them alone. Difficult when the reason you did it was a loo break, but perhaps going every time you pass one will lessen the need to have to leave the group a distance away. And do think about what sort of outings you are having. As they're PILs, perhaps see then only when DH is there - nice for him to spend time with his parents

The whole thing sounds pretty stressful for everyone.

She was bu, not sure about scapegoating. No reason why she couldn’t continue to play croquet and let your DS do his own thing at the side - it was hardly an official game! Also agree if the cafe had put a frisbee out then they clearly felt it an appropriate thing to be played with in the space.

This is a picture of the cafe garden. DS was playing in the open area. He really wasn't near anybody at all, neither the babies nor the croquet.

I feel quite tearful today. She knows about his autism but she doesn't get it. He's mostly very well behaved because of his black and white thinking and his need to follow rules.

The other day we were at another tourist attraction and DS had been promised an icecream at the end. But when we got to the end the icecream shop had closed. He didn't meltdown but did keep saying to me on the way back to the car that he just wanted an icecream. It was on repeat, but this is part of his disability. When he's bothered he repeats a statement of what's bothering him over and over. It's something that was flagged in his diagnostic assessment. After he'd said it a couple of times MIL piped up with that she wanted a glass of champagne and couldn't have that either and she wasn't whinging about it and laughed at how witty she was being. He was struggling to cope with his emotions and she was mocking his disability.

I don't think she was doing anything of the sort. I think she was trying to diffuse the situation. I also think you look for faults in her and find them

I think she has no understanding of Autism which would be regular enough for someone who hasn't any experience of a person with Autism. But she needs to read up or ask some questions since this is her gs. Could your dh speak to her and explain some of his reactions and hopefully she will take these on board. That repeating about the ice-cream is very common with children with autism so maybe there are a few very definite areas your dh could cover with her. It's stressful for you, knowing your own child and feeling protective of him.

I think most 9 year olds would play with the toys on offer in an open space - what else was he supposed to do? Your MIL does not understand or like children.

Particularly after your update it sounds like MIL doesn't understand your son. She might have thought she was addressing the repeat by saying she wanted a glass of champagne, but that was (a) not analogous because she hadn't been promised one but the shop was shut and (b) was unlikely to circuit break your son's thinking because it didn't address what was causing him to repeat. I think you need to explain why your son is doing/saying what he is in a given situation where you can see she is getting wound up, and then try to remove him from her if she just doesn't/won't get it.

MIL is being unreasonable and I'd be angry and hurt at family treating my Autistic DC this way. She seems to have no idea about Autism or doesn't accept. It's not scapegoating, but she isn't treating your DS with love and kindness, the way he should be treated.

She sounds like a grumpy old fart and I say that as someone who has her own grumpy old fart moments. I doesn't sound like your son was doing anything wrong (or even autistic), just trying to entertain himself.