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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can't cope anymore - unhealthy relationship?

10 replies

girlshelpxx · 30/06/2022 23:39

hi everyone, idk what to do. my boyfriend is laying beside me sleeping and i'm up crying. we've been dating 10 months now. i’m 18 he's 20. our relationship progressed pretty fast from seeing each other everyday to practically living with each other. i spend every day/night at his family home. his family are so amazing to me and welcoming. i always offer him to my home but he always has excuses so i always give in and be at his house. throughout our relationship i've lost friendships as i stopped socialising. the friends i do have left i never see. same with family i rarely see them. i’m starting to get so sad and can't cope with how much i miss them. i want my old life back but with my partner still in it. i've spoke to my bf about these feelings and he just says "i don't stop you from seeing them so it's not my fault" in a way he's wrong. from the start of my relationship i've seen my friends about 3 times (really bad i know) and each time he was really dry with me and it turned into an argument so it always made me think i couldn't go out with them. don't get me wrong it's my fault too. i have an extremely hard time when he's not with me i miss him so much when he's not with me. i have really bad attachment issues. the only time i'm not with him is when i’m or he is at work which is roughly the same hours we do. i want to break this nonsense and be in a healthier relationship. he doesn't seem to think anything is wrong. maybe bc he sees his family every single day. i don't. idk if we should take a break? or break up? i can't stand the thought of him not being in my life. i truly love him he's so amazing and i genuinely mean that. i just believe we're in a very unhealthy situation atm. i can't live like this anymore. i want to see my friends. LIVE at my own home in my OWN bed. i don't know how to get out. it's hard. i want to be with him 24/7 but it makes me unhappy. i need my own space.... idk where i’m getting really i just needed somewhere to get everything out and hoping for advice/comfort. thanks xxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
girlshelpxx · 30/06/2022 23:58

i feel lost. not going to sleep tonight and i've work first thing :(

OP posts:
fantasmasgoria1 · 01/07/2022 00:18

You need to probably end the Relationship. It's making you unhappy and affecting your life in several negative ways. He comes across as somewhat controlling and it only gets worse.

Courtjobby · 01/07/2022 01:06

I think you need to try and stay at your family home 3/4 nights minmum per week. If he wants to come over because he misses you and your family are ok with him coming over, then that will be more fair. If he doesn't come over, try to be strong and stay to your plan of sleeping in your own bed. I think it would be good for to start to rebuild your relationships outside of the one with your boyfriend starting with your own family ( if that's a healthy dynamic) and limiting time living with his family. At the moment you are living in his space, and I worry that you feel like you must squash and twist your life into fitting into it.

RhiRhi1996 · 01/07/2022 01:22

Could it be that he isn't cold with you after you meeting friends/family but your "imagining" it/over thinking it ?

I just say that as you mention you have attachment issues. I struggle with anxious attachment too. And sometimes anxious attachment people overthink others actions to give them "proof" of their biggest fear - their partner not loving them or wanting them etc.

If if ISNT imagined, then that is very unhealthy, your partner should not make you feel bad for spending time with friends or family.

Too much time together is unhealthy and I think it's better you to distance yourself. I know it's hard with anxious attachment but it really is unhealthy to not be able to go out with friends or family without missing him so much.

I find giving space and not "thinking" about my husband so much helps me not be so attached.

Then with space, you can think more clearly and see the situation for what it is. You miss your friends & family so go and see them.

Stupidlydupidly · 01/07/2022 01:27

I can really relate to what you are going through as I had similar experiences. It got a lot worse for me.

The best thing I can say to you is - don't wait around for things to get better. They won't. If you are isolated from friends and family now, and just want to be in your own bed, please listen to your feelings.

Trust your gut and go home.

TrufflesForBreakfast · 01/07/2022 01:44

Op you are wise to recognise that this is a problem already, so you should be proud of yourself for that. Many wouldn't be. Have you heard of the boiling frog analogy? Look it up, it happens in relationships more than you'd think.

If your boyfriend truly loved you and wanted to be with you, he would respect your desire for space and he would understand your need to be around your parents and friends. If he really wanted to be with you he would make the effort to come to your parents' house without too much of a protest.

It's easy when young and in the first flush of love to get caught up in these possessive, co dependent relationships and mistake them for love. I wish you all the best op and remember - the fact you recognise the issue emerging is an excellent indicator that you know what's right and what you need to do. Smile

Nells99 · 01/07/2022 02:50

I feel for you as have been there at your age. All I can do is share how I now feel about it now I’m in my late 30’s…. I wish I had done more that first time to keep my own identity e.g my independence, my own friends etc. I ended up going through my twenties repeating the same cycle over and over again to the point where I now find it difficult to have a healthy relationship because I’m so used to being codependent. Doesn’t matter what your age is, I think it’s healthy to have your own life separate to your life together. And if he makes that difficult for you, then you need to find the strength to put yourself first

KangarooKenny · 01/07/2022 07:03

Go home, and work on being independent.

GreyCarpet · 01/07/2022 07:08

We've all been there... Well, most of us. Probably...

When you're 18, the love you feel is intense but, you're right, this relationship isn't healthy and it's good for you that you've recognised it!

I agree with the advice to go home. Spend some time with your family. Maybe get some counselling for attachment issues. See your friends and reconnect with the others.

Future you will thank you for it x

GreyCarpet · 01/07/2022 07:09

That doesn't mean you must split up with him but you need to be yourself in this relationship (any relationship!) and not just his girlfriend.

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