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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Constant arguing

9 replies

Chumbibi · 30/06/2022 21:01

Me and DH just constantly argue. His main issue with me is that I don’t appreciate him. I’m currently three weeks post C section, looking after a newborn who is exclusively breastfed, and I have a 2 year old DD to look after. She’s at nursery in the week and he has generous leave and is still off. He doesn’t have to get up in the night and therefore we agreed that he picks up the majority of the housework.

All he does is moan I don’t appreciate him. I’m knackered, still not up and running 100% (but I am pushing myself) and it just seems we are so unhappy. I feel so resentful that he’s constantly picking pulling me up on stuff and I just want to be looked after. When my DD was born we had similar problems. I just don’t understand why he can’t just focus on me and the children rather than his own feelings all the bloody time.

I had bad baby blues for the first couple of weeks and the arguing made me feel so low that I almost felt suicidal. I told him this and nothings changed. What do I do?

OP posts:
Cakeandcoffee93 · 30/06/2022 21:02

He sounds like an absolute selfish twat. Tell him you need him and to stop critiquing you when you’ve just had a baby! He needs to shut up and listen and look after you and let you sleep. What is wrong with men

Cakeandcoffee93 · 30/06/2022 21:03

Also if you feel suicidal Hun please reach out to family members friends or gp- if he is the cause please please kick him out until he realises how miserable he is making this precious time for you.

A54A21 · 30/06/2022 21:05

It's def tough early on and hopefully sharing how you feel and having a space to vent will help. But def talk to your health visitor and consider speaking to your GP for mental health support if you have been feeling so low. Maybe they can also signpost your partner to some support. That being said my DH has not been keen to take up any make support groups / help while we've had difficulties.

D0lphine · 30/06/2022 21:48

Have you seen a medical professional about feeling low and suicidal thoughts? Very important that you speak to GP about your feelings and call 111 if you feel suicidal again. Feeling like this is no joke and should be treated as a medical emergency.

Original poster
Chumbibi · 01/07/2022 12:29

Thanks all for your replies. I feel fine now and think a lot of it was down to baby blues. Feel much more on an even keel now but the arguing is getting me down. Just not to that extent.

told DH last night that it wasn’t acceptable to keep arguing and treating me the way he is given how vulnerable I am at the moment. He apologised but I don’t know how long the peace will be kept for.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/07/2022 12:37

Sounds as though you would be better off if he went back to work and you had a cleaner for a couple of hours a day. At least it would be civil company and someone who would tidy and clean the house.

D0lphine · 01/07/2022 12:46

Chumbibi · 01/07/2022 12:29

Thanks all for your replies. I feel fine now and think a lot of it was down to baby blues. Feel much more on an even keel now but the arguing is getting me down. Just not to that extent.

told DH last night that it wasn’t acceptable to keep arguing and treating me the way he is given how vulnerable I am at the moment. He apologised but I don’t know how long the peace will be kept for.

Take care of yourself.

Sounds like you've been through a lot physically and mentally with the c section and PND.

It also doesn't sound like your husband cares much about these physical and mental changes. Maybe he needs it spelled out? "I have been through a major operation and PND to have our child. You helping around the house is the absolute bare minimum I would expect in this situation, which is why I am not praising you 24/7. You need to get on with it so I can heal myself mentally and physically and focus on baby."

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 01/07/2022 12:53

The early days are so tough on relationships. Especially when the partner has a selfish disposition.

How soon after your daughter's birth did your relationship recover?

For us it was a few years first time round. And maybe 6-12 months second time round. If it didnt recover then I think there may be bigger issues.

I would just try to dig deep and de-escalation arguments. And talk talk talk about your feelings. Hopefully in a few months the hormones will settle and you'll both get more sleep. I'm not trying to downplay his selfishness. Just that it's super hard in the early days and really does get better x

wellhelloitsme · 01/07/2022 21:13

Fucking hell. As if he would think it reasonable if HE had major abdominal surgery (let alone then having a newborn physically relying on him) and YOU moaned about not feeling appreciated three weeks after.

Jesus Christ do these men actually think they're being reasonable or are they so narcissistic they genuinely think you exist for their convenience.

God I'm so angry for you.

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