Would you meet this friend?

[Joyfuldays]

I need some perspective. I met up an old schoolfriend nearly a month ago. We had kisses & cuddles. He is about 1.5 hours away.

I suggested meeting again. First he said "let's play it by ear". He needed a medical procedure, maybe that made it hard to plan. Second time, he was enthusiastic, but nothing has come of it. He's hard to communicate with: "I'm not much of a texter", although he does phone me, maybe every other day, sometimes every day. He doesn't open up. It's early days, it feels a bit much to ask "where is this going?" or "do you want a relationship?"

He is busy (as am I). He's working towards a big qualification in same line of work as mine (coincidence), looks after his mother & another elderly relative, helps in family business and, most seriously, has a chronic and debilitating illness which prevents him having sex. I wonder if this makes him feel inferior or demasculated. Think he told his mum about me - she was in the room once when he phoned. He decides when to be available for phone calls or texts. Any discussion is met with a closed nature. He is impossible to communicate with. I'm left wondering does he even want any relationship with me? He's avoidant. I've been careful not to hassle, but any question to this effect is met with rolling-eye emoji, yet he is consistent with his phone calls.

A mutual friend - his best childhood friend - also contacted me, and we re-found our childhood friendship. Friend 2 is VERY available, and lively & fun. There's a tiny spark, and he did ask about a relationship, but I told him what happened with Friend 1. He backed off, and has behaved appropriately.

When I told original man about Friend 2, he hit the roof and said this friend has abused his trust. I made it clear that I being loyal. I offered to cut back contact, but he says it's ok.

Friend 2 is suggesting we meet up. He says we're doing nothing wrong, and if Friend 1 can't be bothered to contact me more often, he's not worth being with. He also says I'm worth more, and should just go out and have fun in the interim.

WWYD?

Eek that was long! I'm so sorry...

I think you need to find friend 3.

Ha ha ha! No thanks.

Yes seriously, you need to find a friend 3!!!!

I really like (fancy!) Friend 1, and my friendship with Friend 2 is tight. I'm not looking for any other friends, these are old school buddies!

I would stop listening to either of them and start thinking about what you want. You're not their possession to squabble and give permission over.

It's okay not to pursue either.

True. Thank you for reminding me of this.
Friend 2 says the same - it's not a competition.

Ideally, I would have a relationship with Friend 1 and both of us would keep our respective bonds with Friend 2. But Friend 1 is being so closed and unavailable.

Arghhhh why doesn't he just tell me what he wants?

You can't force him to open up though. Can you tell him that it's this aspect that's not working for you?

OP! Aaaaaaggghhhhhh. Why does finding happiness have to be so complicated 😣

I was so excited for you and F1, but from what you say here I prefer the sound of F2. Of course a perfectly ideal F3 would be even better, but in life we sometimes just work with what we have.

F1 is starting to sound rather controlling, especially the rolling-eye emoji when you seek more intimacy yet "hitting the roof" (WTAF!??!?!) when you mention F2, despite the fact that F1 is literally unable to provide what would usually be considered a full relationship (even if he wanted to, which is currently unclear).

F2 behaving appropriately, on the other hand, is rather attractive, along with his perfectly valid comments about you and your feelings of obligation towards someone who doesn't seem to be appreciating you enough to make much effort.

Friend 1 is pointless. He's not really a friend, he's someone you went to school with who you have recently established contact with. He's not interested in dating you and I think that's pretty clear from what you've written. So he's pointless, essentially.

If you don't really feel a romantic connection to the other man (is he actually a friend or just someone else from school who you have been in touch with by messages recently?) then leave that too.

It's early days and I wouldnt be surprised if friend 1's confidence has been knocked by friend 2 even though nothing has happened. Its pretty bad that he's stepping over friend 1 and shows bad character to me. But you also don't seem to be getting what you need from friend 1. They seem to have alot going on. Will the lack of sex be fine for you long term? It's absolutely not a must and many are happy in a sexless relationship but is it what you want?

Go out with friend 2 and see what happens. You don't owe friend 1 anything. I personally wouldn't start a relationship with someone that couldn't have sex.

Friend 1 is wasting your time and has no right to be annoyed over friend 2.

You're single, friend 1 isn't interested in a relationship. If there's a spark with friend 2 then meet up with him. No harm done.

Absolutely this!

Friend one had red flags all over him, relationship wise. I would park him. Why not just be actual friends with him and leave any attempts at relationship stuff. It's sounds untenable, and should not be this hard work before you've even started seeing each other! I don't see happiness for you if you pursue that avenue. Just doubting yourself, second guessing, and knocks to your self esteem.

Friend 2, if you like him, meet up and see how it goes. We can be friends with people first and take it easy, you don't have to go into all this with an urgency for a relationship and for things to progress. (Apologies if you're not feeling that way, it's how it reads).

Are these people you haven't really seen since school? If so I would urge you to remember that they aren't the same people you knew then, even if in many ways they feel similar. I would take things slow, romantically or friendship wise, and get to know these people as the adults they currently are (as we often tend to feel a sense of connection and nostalgia in these situations, which can unwittingly cloud our judgement). I don't mean that to sound patronising, just offering advice as an outsider looking in, who wants you to avoid heartache and sticky situations

Thank you, everyone. Some really great advice here, I really appreciate the different perspectives. I already have friends 3/4/5, that's not really the point, I just want to work out what to do with this situation.

Thinking further, I'm not in any particular rush for any relationship. I've been fine by myself all this time. I think I will stay patient with Friend 1. He is going through a hard time and may/may not be telling me something through his avoidance, despite sounding keen initially. Next time he phones, I will ask him outright, so I have an answer as to whether I should just drop hopes. Maybe he and I are not well suited. The sex thing is temporary, but I will need to approach with caution.

Both friends are true friends. It's more than just a bunch of texts, but both friendships need cultivating in different ways. I think I will meet Friend 2 and progress as normal with that friendship.

There's my answer! Patience and get to know the people they've grown up to be! Thanks for advice.

Thank you, dear pal! You've been there from the start! I was excited, too, but F1 is making himself unavailable. I kind of know what it's about, but IDK if it's permanent or a blip while he gets over himself & his illness. Yeah, I'm going to watch the eye rolling. I told him to sort it out. F2 is a good man, he gets it, you're right, the understanding of keeping things appropriate speaks words, too.
Thank you! I know you get it!

He decides when to be available for phone calls or texts. Any discussion is met with a closed nature. He is impossible to communicate with. I'm left wondering does he even want any relationship with me?

Read that back.

Why do you even want any relationship with him?!

This isn't what a friend looks like let alone anything more.

You write as if you're a passive object of theirs rather than an active participant in your own life.

What do you want from friendship and relationships? A drama free, fun, non confusing, simple and lovely dynamic presumably? Neither provides this.

You need to only pursue what makes you genuinely happy, healthy and calm. They are not that!

Thanks... I've been pondering this. It's not clear how much of it is down to "how he is", in which case I decide he's a bugger and move on, or how much is his illness, which means it will be transient and will pass. He has told me that he manages his illness by detaching and cutting off.

The reason I would persist a little longer, is because I can excuse some of those behaviours, if it is illness. I think most relationships come with some drama at our age. No, I don't actually believe that it is possible to have friendships that are as you describe: drama free, fun, non confusing, and simple. Those are desirables but they are not possible for me, or for either for these two people. We have collectively known a lot of childhood adversity.

While I may come across to you as passive, I can assure you I'm the opposite - but I am accepting and I understand a lot of the underlying problems. By definition, I'm going to go for what is familiar to me - which is chaotic and troubled! I'm working out how to navigate it.

F2 is a good man, he gets it, you're right, the understanding of keeping things appropriate speaks words, too.
It's not just that though, it's that F1 already seems to be treating you like his property when he has no claim on you whatsoever! What would someone like that be like if you were actually an item? Possessive, at the very least, by the sounds of it. Not a good look!

I like the way F2 just feels you should have some fun and spread your wings, whether with him or not. That's a much more healthy approach.

So it looks as though the options are:
F2 = fun with no strings attached
F1 = no particular fun, at least yet, but with plenty of strings attached already!

Bit of a no-brainer really, but if you genuinely prefer "chaotic and troubled" then go for it OP 😋

I'd forget about Friend 1, Friend 2 I might continue seeing