Trusting DH as primary caregiver

[Workingmummy94]

Can anyone relate?

This isn't to ask advice, more to just take a second to breathe. I had 8 months maternity leave where I was the primary caregiver to my DS. As I earn more £ than DH, the plan was always for me to return to work and him to become primary caregiver. I work mon-Fri he works weekends, that way we have no childcare costs. Probably worth noting we have no family help either.

I just returned to work last week WFH full time, which I love because I can give baby a squeeze whenever I want. DH doesn't have a good nap procedure with DS just yet and DS has been poorly with a cold so I've still been putting him down for his naps (which I love because sleepy cuddles are the best, and DH asked me to continue naps until DS is better). But DH doesn't really understand the routine I got into with DS and I asked him before I restarted work if he wanted me to write down a rough schedule for him just as a guide to help his day and he said no that he would figure out what works best for them and let me tell you, relinquishing control is WAYYY harder than I thought it would be - baring in mind DH has a daughter who is 8 who he clearly was able to look after by himself (him and ex split when my DSD was very young).

Today I have been able to hear my baby crying from downstairs (because shock horror, sometimes babies cry) and I literally used ALL of my willpower to not go see what was going on even though I knew it was probably bottle time and that's probably why he was kicking off.

So glad I didn't interfere though because DH text me from downstairs and ASKED when DS was due his bottle. This was much more preferable than me going and telling him what to do because that would have cause an argument and him thinking that I don't think he's capable when I KNOW he is a capable wonderful father.

At the end of the day I've had 8 months to get into the swing of things with DS, it's only fair I give DH a chance to figure it out on his own but it's freaking hard!!!

Would it be possible to work outside of the home for a bit while they get themselves into a new routine? It might make it easier for you.
It must be so difficult, but well done for the will power not to go downstairs!

This is a great idea in theory but DH still wants me on hand until he's figured out a solution to the nap issue. He can't seem to get DS down, and he doesn't think it's worth trying until DS isn't poorly anymore! When he has naps down I can go into the office a couple of days a week to leave the to it

When I did shared parental leave I did a role where I had the choice of WFH or working in the office. I choose to work in the office for the first 7 months. My DP then went back PT and was in the swing of what to do so I worked where ever.

You need to let your DH work out his own relationship with your DS so being out of the way completely helps. His way of putting your DS to sleep, feeding him etc will be different from yours but it won't be worse as their communication with each other is different.

DH still wants me on hand until he's figured out a solution to the nap issue.

How did you work out the solution? Did you ask him to be around until you did or did you just get on with it?

He really just needs to be left to get on with it. I agree with the previous poster that you need to get out of the house. He will find a way of getting your baby to nap. He can take him for a walk or a drive if he needs to. It’s really not rocket science, however much it might feel like it when you’re so wrapped up with it.

This. He needs to work it out himself if he's now the primary caregiver. Having you on hand must make it a lot easier (for him) but he needs to find his own way to do things, even when your baby isn't well.

I agree that letting go of control is HARD but you both need a bit of flexibility in how you handle day to day situations. Especially if you're working.

My mum used to watch my daughter on mornings while I worked and suggested the schedule she stuck to when I was off with her. As much as I appreciated it I needed to find my own way to fit in with my life. Now when she watches her she does it her way, when she's with me I do it mine. Kids adapt so it'll be fine.

Don't most people shove dc in the pram and try that for napping?

I agree with PP, you should go to the office or work elsewhere for a bit.
Why don't you position it through you are finding it really hard hearing your DS but not being allowed to help.
Write down a rough schedule and try it for a bit. Agree boundaries where your DH can text if needed and call in emergency only.
Good luck.

My friend had similar situation where she went back full time and her DH took over. She worked outside the home which she said helped. She also struggled with handing over but everyone settled in soon enough