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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does anyone’s ex partners talk to their kids like this?

20 replies

Needadvice83 · 30/06/2022 14:48

I posted before about my ex. He was/is abusive. Gets weekly 30 Mins video calls at the moment although face to face starting today after 3 year gap.

On the phone last night he starts with guess what daddy did yesterday. He went to the toy shop and spoke to the assistant and asked her to please point me to the biggest barbie toy that you sell, and guess what that is what daddy bought you (then shows her the box on the video). then repeats several times daddy made sure it was the biggest box they had for my princess.

Seriously listening to these calls are driving me bonkers, who talks like that. Why not just say went to the toy shop and bought you a little something I thought you’d like etc.

Is be bringing that huge toy to the contact Center later???

He sounds so manipulative to me, does that sound manipulative to you??

OP posts:

Triffid1 · 30/06/2022 14:53

On its own, I don't think it's that bad. But obviously, in light of your history, I can totally understand why it sounds so annoying.

Rodneytrotterslovechild · 30/06/2022 14:55

My ex used to do this only he’d say ‘I went to the toy shop and asked them for the biggest barbie they did-it was massive-mummy will buy you it the next time you go past that toyshop’
wont surprise anyone to hear I was on my arse skint,and he paid jack shit for them
drove me mad but he got bored of being a father and he faded out in the end
the kids like but don’t need the biggest toy in the shop-they need you being there and placing the rules for them to grow up into decent adults

Danikm151 · 30/06/2022 15:07

The talking about himself in the third person would annoy the hell out of me. He's trying to buy love.

feelgoodvibes · 30/06/2022 23:10

Ugh best thing I did was move to a different room when ds when on the phone to his dad. His dad would always have little digs about me and I couldn't stand his voice. If you can, leave the room, go on a different floor and just leave him to talk his crap!

Itshotatnight · 01/07/2022 06:54

Oh @feelgoodvibes i really want to but I’ve been asked to supervise and report back. But that’s a waste of time and I’m fed up listening to all the manipulate crap now and there is nothing I can do about it. I’m struggling to think I’ll have this for a really long time.

Singleandproud · 01/07/2022 07:06

It it makes you feel any better I logged on to Child maintainence last night and noticed ex hadn't updated his pay records and was under paying me £3 a month (it all adds up right now) he only pays £170 as it is. So I sent him a screenshot and just asked him to amend the standing order, his answer was "oh, I've not added new baby X onto the claim yet that'll bring it back down" As long as my DD gets the bare minimum, she loves her new sibling but he cut his contact time as he moved 40 miles away so couldn't have her during the week so he has her once a week, a good chunk of that in a car and always with her new sibling although she prefers that.

Children grow up and work out what's what though, when she was little he was a novelty and the sun shone out of his arse (we did the contact centre thing too) but she's 12 now and a few weeks ago DD said "Mum youre like the mum and the dad, and dad is like an uncle I visit weekly to see my cousin" She knows I do everything for her without me ever mentioning anything. It's sad she doesn't have a parental relationship with him but that's his doing.

Trivester · 01/07/2022 07:10

Will he bring the biggest Barbie box to the contact centre, or will it have to stay at his house in the hopes that she will be seen and heard asking to visit his home?

If you supervise calls do you log any details?

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 01/07/2022 07:14

Not about toys but other things, the whole calling himself daddy infuriates me tbh. Thet are 11 and 9 and haven't called him daddy for years

JanglyBeads · 01/07/2022 07:24

Yup.

Hold on in there OP, the DC see through it eventually.

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 01/07/2022 07:34

Mine was in another country during lockdown. The kids were struggling, no school, not allowed to go more than 5km from the house (and nothing open anyway), and all he could do on his sporadic calls was talk about all the fun things he was doing and the shops/cafes he was visiting.

The kids learn, they're not fools, they see through it all. My eldest can't really be bothered (he really found those calls hard and started to avoid them), my youngest has decided to make hay while the sun shines and takes all bribes offered whilst absolutely understanding what his father is up to.

Original poster

Needadvice83 · 01/07/2022 07:43

Oh he turned up with the biggest barbie toy to the contact. I can’t believe they let him hand it over, it barely fit in the car.

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 01/07/2022 07:48

Danikm151 · 30/06/2022 15:07

The talking about himself in the third person would annoy the hell out of me. He's trying to buy love.

It'll annoy you even more that my ex of 10 years still refers to himself in the third person when he is trying to manipulate our 16 year old daughter 🤣

She sees through it now though and yours will too, OP.

My exh's currently favourite is to invite her on his weekends away to Disneyland Paris (he has an annual pass and goes several times a year..). She rejects it because she's 16 and doesn't want to go to Disneyland and really want him to ask her what she'd like to do or where she'd like to go and not just feel like a tag on to his existing plans.

Consequently, she has stopped EOW visits and only sees him for a few hours a fortnight. He gets upset and tells her "but its my weekend and I want to see you" she responds, "no, its my weekend and I have plans" 🤷🏻‍♀️ He has no idea. Obviously, Disneyland is only a small fraction of the stuff he pulls...

They do see it eventually...

Original poster

Needadvice83 · 01/07/2022 07:54

Oh @GreyCarpet she came home from the visit yesterday saying daddy taking me Disney land. What is it with Disney land!

OP posts:

thenewduchessoflapland · 01/07/2022 07:57

Needadvice83 · 01/07/2022 07:54

Oh @GreyCarpet she came home from the visit yesterday saying daddy taking me Disney land. What is it with Disney land!

Because their Disney dads

Wonderlans · 15/11/2023 06:53

Hi everyone. I’m a single mum and have an ex partner who picks up the kids from school 2 afternoons a week and stays for a few hours those 2 afternoons.

My issue is he does nothing with the kids. Doesn’t want to know or go to parents evening, never ever asks about school reports, if I ask him to do something like brush the kids teeth (I have 4 under 11) his reply “why me”. Never plays with them and finds any excuse to go back to his room at his shared house. He’s been like this for the 3 years we’ve been separated and it drives me insane. Anybody else in the same boat?

Holly2285 · 15/11/2023 07:03

Ex picks her up from school 1 day a week and has her on a Sunday. Never does anything with her, she is so so bored round there and has started to ask not to go. He's a lazy so and so which is part of the reason we arent together anymore!

Theunamedcat · 15/11/2023 07:12

Wonderlans · 15/11/2023 06:53

Hi everyone. I’m a single mum and have an ex partner who picks up the kids from school 2 afternoons a week and stays for a few hours those 2 afternoons.

Maybe start your own thread

Your definitely not alone!

lardass88 · 15/11/2023 07:14

My kids are grown up
Adults now, but when me and their dad divorced his contact with them was the bare minimum, no maintenance for 8 years, when he had them he'd take them to his mates , never did anything with them other than buy new toys , my daughter was only little and was "daddy this,daddy that" but my son seen right through him - got to the point I'd have to bribe my son to spend some time with his dad as he hated it, eventually my ex moved away so contact became even less frequent ( best thing he ever done) but I had to listen to phone calls where he'd talk about himself ... fast forward to now my daughter is 21, he rang her the other day to boast about his brand new car knowing full well her car had just been scrapped and she was carless... they rarely see him now. But he carries on being the dad who posts more on his social media's about them rather than picking up the phone to actually speak to them. It's still infuriating to me. But both my kids see him for what he is now. Hang in there , he will fuck it up all by himself- they usually do x

Wonderlans · 15/11/2023 07:21

Yes I think I will! x

Epidote · 15/11/2023 07:29

There are many people like that. As PP had said he is trying to buy love with gifts. Doesn't last long.

My kid is still small but I got plenty of adult friends who had cut contact with with their father about 13-17 because of complete realisation of who he was.

It is very annoying for a good mother to witness it and I hope it wouldn't last that much but at the end they know and they will make their own decisions. Usually they end ignoring them or going low contact.

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