Ambivalent man - struggling to let go

[Deguster]

I’ve name changed but I’m a regular poster.

With lots of MN help I’ve moved on from a toxic marriage with a man who spent a lot of time comparing me unfavorably with other women (appearance, weight and even how well I juggled being a mum with my career and how frequently I waxed). I was feeling relieved but lonely.

Since then I reconnected with a male friend who is divorced. We became close, texting several times a day, he seemed kind and affectionate. We met up for a few coffees and kissed a few times. Then I invited him over for dinner - we had a lovely evening and then had sex (also lovely). We agreed we were keen to explore our lovely connection.

Straight after that he told me he didn’t have any free time to meet for a month, although we kept in touch by text. I was a bit dubious as we only live a mile apart. I suggested we talk on the phone which he was quite enthusiastic about, but never called me. A couple of weeks after we had sex, contact from him had almost stopped and was less affectionate when it came. I sent him a “you’re obviously not that into me so shall we forget it?” message. He says that isn’t what he wants, it’s timing, he thought he’d been clear he was interested etc. He also said “we’re obviously not where you think we should be” which made me feel like a harridan when I really just didn’t want to chase him if he wasn’t interested.

I’m aware from writing this down that this man is just not into me. And that I sound about 15. I just can’t seem to forget him and the rejection has kind of unsettled me, because it’s almost like a vindication of STBXH’s low opinion of me.

I don’t meet men that I like often, and it’s even rarer that they like me back. I’m solvent, reasonably successful, empathetic and kind but not a looker. I know that’s no reason to stick with someone so obviously ambivalent, but I’m lonely (and yes, pathetic!) I know I can’t negotiate with him to make him like me more, but I don’t seem able to walk away.

Would someone sensible please (kindly) talk some sense into me?

Seems he after a shag and nothing else? Well, you enjoyed your times with him, had lovely sex so now shrug and move on.

Please don't say you're 'not a looker' - that's your ex talking.

He just wanted sex. Nothing wrong with you.

Why does your self esteem rest on the opinions of two men? Do you think you were put here to please them? If so, why? If not, what do you think you were put here for, and why aren't you doing that?

I don’t think I was put here to please them, no, but like most people, I hope to connect with someone romantically. It’s easier to say “who cares” when you’re attractive. And harder to walk away when you’re not. I’ve been rejected by men all my life. It hurts.

Yes, but who gets to make the final decision on whether you're attractive?

If not, what do you think you were put here for, and why aren't you doing that

This was a genuine question..?

Men reject women all the time, regardless of the woman's perceived level of beauty. Some men like the chase. Some men just want sex. Some men are intimidated for whatever reason. The date didn't go as planned, or the woman's conversation showed that they are probably going to be incompatible. The list goes on. Likewise for women rejecting men. Don't take it personally OP. It's early days. You might have to go on lots of dates before you find the one.

Dating is hard; it sounds like you need to work on your own self worth before opening that can of worms

If not, what do you think you were put here for, and why aren't you doing that

I’ve no idea really - I work, pay the bills, take care of DC. I used to travel but autistic DS put paid to that.

I’m not a spring chicken either although it probably sounds like it. I didn’t necessarily expect a future with this man, just kindness and truthfulness. How naive!

OK, well, there's the root of your problem.

What do you do that makes you respect yourself?

Your self esteem will grow every time you look at a relationship/potential partner and ask "Is this what I want?" rather than thinking "Am I what they want?/Why aren't I enough for them?".

Do you want someone who lives a mile away and yet is unavailable for entire months at a time? Does that make you feel good? If not, walk away because it's not what you want, it doesn't make you feel good and that's what matters most. You need to get really focused on taking exquisite care of yourself, OP. Not anyone else. Every time you make a decision in your own favour (even when it's hard, even when you really don't want to) you are rebuilding your self esteem and self worth.

Good luck x

Rejection is really hard to take.
And dating is difficult.
I think it's because you are fairly new to dating again that perhaps you invested too much interest / emotion too soon. And you haven't formed the thick skin needed to deal with the brush off.

Anyone that's been dating for a while will tell you it's tough out there. But I do think it gets easier after the first few knocks - as horrible as that sounds. You just sort of learn not to put too much interest in and to take it all with a pinch of salt. And have other options on the go.

But yeah, been where you are and it's rubbish. I'm sorry.

I totally understand why you are feeling bad OP. It's like a confirmation of your own perceived inadequacies- largely given to you by your abusive ex. I was told for years that I wasn't good enough, was fat, ugly etc and it has really stuck with me. Logically I know that the problem is theirs not mine but my feelings can't concur. However THE PROBLEM IS HIM not you. He is not the cool guy you thought he was. You are so nice you saw the best version of him that doesn't really exist in practice.

It's hard to find a goodun but they are out there. In the meantime, could you use this as motivation to do things that make you feel stronger and better about yourself? That i what I have done, tried to turn the rejection blues into a buzz to make me do some cool stuff that I have always wanted to do, to address the stuff I don't like about myself. It isn't always easy but it is one way to make something positive out of a negative experience.

It's like a confirmation of your own perceived inadequacies- largely given to you by your abusive ex

The perceived inadequacies will have been in OP's mindset before. Otherwise she wouldn't have had an abusive relationship.

However THE PROBLEM IS HIM not you

The fault was his. The responsibility is OP's. OP needs not to palm off the issue on 'blaming the ex'. She needs to look into why she allowed the situation to arise, and bother her so much.