(Almost) Sexless Marriage.

[Deadbed]

Name change for obvious reasons.

Am I in the wrong to rather have no sex at all than sex infrequently/once a month?

Mostly just a rant but the background is my husband has had a pretty low sex drive our whole relationship. If we ever have sex it is mainly me initiating it, if I wait for him to initiate it will take a couple/several weeks and then he will eventually and if I reject him say something along the lines of wishing we were more intimate.

We had sex a few days ago and I've lost weight so been feeling more attractive and more attracted to my dh. Last night I initiated and he said no, so I was a little disappointed as I had makeup on and he never seems interested when I was looking nice. I was in a huff and went to go to sleep and he snapped and said something like not wanting fucking sex and just wanting a cuddle sometimes. This is after we've cuddled and sometimes he rejects me for cuddles anyway because he 'wants to go on his phone before bed'.

I'm totally sick of this and feeling like I am in a relationship with my sibling, there is no sexual feeling in our relationship in general. When we do anything intimate he doesn't enjoy cunnilingus and to be fair he's rubbish at it so I don't even get that. If we do have sex he moans for a bj after a couple times as sex is more work for him and less for me.

I'm ok with the lack of sex occasionally but for me it is more infuriating to have sex, which starts up my sex drive and makes me want more, only for him to turn me away next time when I initiate, sometimes even a week later.

Wibu to tell him in future I'm not in the mood as quite frankly I can't be arsed anymore?
Everything else about our relationship is great, he's a good father, he cooks and does a lot around the house, we get on in general.. It's mainly the sex.

Maybe you need a frank discussion about it with your DH so you can address exactly how the situation makes you feel but outside of a time when intimacy is on the table so it’s less emotive. Also from what you have said their seems to be a lack of interest on his part in ensuring your needs are met but he is quite happy to ask for a bj to ensure his are without to much effort on his part.

I understand about the sex drive thing but long term if you aren’t having sex at all would you both be happy with that type of relationship? If so they go for it!

@Coparentingissues

That's the thing we have had a couple discussions on it, most of the time when I broach the subject he gets defensive and doesn't want to talk about it.

When we have talked he has admitted sometimes he's just not in the mood and feels more like having a wank than sex. The thing is I'm a bit self conscious about role playing and spicing it up, I know the kinds of things he's into I guess I just don't have the courage. I do wish he was more aggressive and a pursuer rather than the other way around.

When I've said I'm quite happy not to bother having any sex he has told me not to be ridiculous.. I think he does enjoy it unfortunately it's just a mismatch of sex drives.

Also he has higher than average testosterone levels and takes a long time.. Sometimes that's a good thing but also I think he just finds it frustrating. I don't really know what to do but I'm a bit fed up of feeling like an unattractive lump when I know other guys would probably have a drive more like mine.

What annoys me even more is when I put the effort in he's never in the mood, but when I'm slobbing around he comes on to me and I definitely don't want to do it then. 🙄

I stopped having sex with my DH because he wouldn’t address his penis problems. I’d rather have no sex than crap, frustrating sex.

Your DH doesn’t want to discuss it because he’s happy as it is.
You need to decide what you want.

Completely get where you are coming from with making an effort and having it go unnoticed and how frustrating that is, I think bad timing can be quite a common issue amongst couples - my DP will often want to initiate when I’m exhausted at the end of the day and clearly articulating I’m not in the mood for anything like that or when we need to be somewhere but when we have the perfect scenario of time on our hand without parental responsibilities and I’m setting the scene so to speak he would rather watch a movie or “do something” it’s hard to get a good balance.

If he finds it easier sometimes to service himself could an element of that not be incorporated into the act so everyone is happy?

You mention knowing what he is into but does he also know what you are into - it’s fine for him to say he is happy to service his own needs but what about yours?

@Coparentingissues

Yeah I guess we could give that a go, maybe warm up with foreplay or just have the odd one without sex? Perhaps I'm jumping into it too quickly and that might be off-putting.

I'll be honest I'm definitely into the rough stuff so also we could incorporate something to do with that. We might have to have a talk about trying at least once a week to do something, I don't think he's ever going to be up for it more often than that!

I think I'm also going to look for some things to spice it up a bit, it could be just getting a little too vanilla and samey and he's said before he'd like to see me in stripey knee socks...gulp.

I think another issue is we are in the middle of a house move and have a 2 year old so it's hard to relax and find time at the moment.

In my experience, it rarely changes whatever you do. Usually always drifts back to the norm when it it sporadically picks up. Mismatched sex drives don’t work in general for me. He can’t help what he is and you can’t help what you are.

Are you definitely happy in all other areas of your relationship? If you are then it's worth having a serious chat about this to him.

I couldn't be with someone who had a completely different sex drive to me. And my pride definitely couldn't take it if I was constantly initiating sex with a partner and regularly being turned down by him.