Co-parenting school event issues

[Coparentingissues]

Long one sorry, Ex-H and I have 1DS (7) and a very up and down Co-parenting relationship in that when he is free and single DS is his world and nothing else matters and he would do anything for him to when he is in a relationship that takes priority and he will limit his time with DS to the bear minimum he can hand in hand with this is that his communication with me is better and more pleasant when he is more attentive to DS to when he is not and then it’s hostile. We don’t have a formal custody order but DS lives with me and my DP and sees his dad EOW and some holidays when things are good.
For DS’s sports day ExH arranged to take the day off and go and we agreed me and DP would be present at another event - him and DP apparently can’t be in the same environment. As me and ExH are currently on good terms he mentioned me going as well which I agreed to but when DP found out he decided he also wanted to go, this was decided literally the morning of. So I messaged ExH who obviously wasn’t happy but by the time he responded we were all the car on the way. This then resulted in an argument between me and DP and DP getting out of the car and walking away and then an argument with ExH on the school playground about the audacity to even ask him if DP could go. DP see’s it that he is more involved in DS life on a day to day basis so ExH has no rights and apparently I am pushover who lets him control my life. ExH just wants to address the situation with aggression. I just want to keep the peace and I see it that I can’t stop ExH seeing his son - and I don’t want my DS to not have a relationship with his dad because of me as ExH isn’t a threat to him. DP now not speaking to me as it’s my fault for being a pushover and I shouldn’t let ExH speak to me aggressively or tell me we can’t be there and that I should take away all his access rights. Just feel exhausted with it and also kicking myself as I do see where I caused the situation in part as I should have just left it how it was in that this was ExH event and shouldn’t have agreed to going when invited - is this the best way to deal with it going forward in that there is no cross over and events are kept completely separate? And also how do people co-parenting deal with warring ex’s and new partners???

As the spouse of someone in your sons situation who is now (obviously) an adult, I can’t tell you how much damage this dynamic has caused him and his relationship with his parents, we are very low/virtually no contact with them.

He absolutely dreads any family event… weddings, birthdays, christenings. We have seriously curtailed our own celebrations because of his parents and their partners, and he now ‘chooses’ which parent gets to come along to which event because we cannot be arsed with the aggro.

I don’t know what you can do, it’s a shame the two men in your sons life are such gobshites, but your DP was the twat this morning and it sounds like he just wanted to make a point.

Well I might not be much help but I keep my dp out of mine and my ex's relationship as parents. I don't live with my dp though so that exactly what he is, my dp. He will come on holiday with me and my dc but he has no input or say into how me and my ex parent . He has come to the odd thing that my dc have been involved in but only really when my ex didnt go. Not that there would be a problem if my ex was there too. Similarly, my ex s in a relationship and she will go to the odd thing for our dc but only really when I'm not there. I guess it's just an unspoken thing out of respect but if he wanted her to be at something I wouldn't object. It's more support for our dc at the end of the day and what benefits them is seeing their parents getting on and supporting them.

It's a shame your ex can't feel the same way and put his own feelings aside for the sake of your dc but if he feels this strongly then I would just attend things for your dc on your own when he is there. Your dp may be in their life more regularly but they are not your dc's parent, your ex is.

I think your dp needs to back off. You want to attend. Your ex wants to attend. He needs to accept that if he genuinely cares for your son, he will make his life easier by just letting the parents attend.

I think your DP caused the problem here. Did he really have to go to the sports day when he knew it hadn't been agreed and would cause problems? I think you should have just told him not to come.

You need to make sure that your partner understands that you won't and can't just take away your ex's parenting and contact tights. He's the father and his relationship with your son is vitally important. Your partner could leave tomorrow and never see your son again legally and morally.

You were unreasonable to take your partner in the car. It sounds like you're being bullied by both men and need to stand up for yourself. Is it possible that your new partner thinks he's doing too much? As he sees your son more, I can see why he thinks your ex is crap but he needs to stop saying shit like ex has no rights. Does your son hear him say things like that ? You don't want your son in a loyalty bind or being influenced by other people's opinions.

When your ex is in a relationship does he take partners to school events? If you and your ex can be civil when there's no other partners then I'd be seeing if ex would be up for just you and ex attending all events. Your son will want to see you both and will be sad and dread events in future (graduations, weddings etc) where you and ex can't just take turns. Imagine having to tell your son that you can't go to a school play because it's daddy's turn or whatever. I understand that your partner is involved and interested but can he suck it up until secondary where there are fewer events for parents ?

Your ex doesn't sound great, but in this situation your dp is in the wrong. What gives him the right to kick off and start telling you what to do? He should be supporting you not making your life harder!

As a pp said, this type of behaviour is going to make things really difficult and stressful for your dc. 🙁

Thanks for the input I think part of the difficulty is that DS has lived with DP longer than he lived with ExH and I, but you are both right in that it doesn’t take away ExH parental rights and DP needs to step to the side. It’s the pushover comment I think has got under my skin as well as I see it that I’m putting DS first not ExH or DP

Grief, hope your ds wasn't aware of the arguing and aggression. Very bad form for it to happen in the school.

How long have you been with DP?

Generally your ex can't control who attends events - especially sports day when it's an open event and no one needs to sit next to each other. I think this is different to parents evening where the parties with PR should attend - it is definitely more awkward if you have 3 or 4 adults sitting opposite a teacher!

Your dp is wrong to have argued and now sulk. Hopefully this isn't a pattern of behaviour but watch for this as its a red flag.

All of the adults should have focused on what is in the your sons interests, not if your dp "deserved" to be there, that's his internal need to be rewarded. Being a step parent is very tough...it is often work with less reward but that's the price a step parent pays and not everyone is truly up for the job.

Equally your ex can't dictate who is around ds..would he object to a grandmother being there?? And your exh shouldn't be allowed to get away with aggression.

Given you have at least 11 years of parental events you should agree with your ex what happens. If he has a longterm partner is he likely to want to include them?

If you can't get an agreement then consider mediation with your ex...would definitely be worth the investment if it reduces conflict for your son.

You son is actually the one in the middle and all he wants is to enjoy sports day without conflict. The adults in his life let him down because they chose their feelings over his.

Bloody hell
what a shit show for your son

your dp sounds like a bit of a twat tbh

a difficult and sensitive situation - and he is like a bull in a china shop and decides on the day he is going to join you both

And also how do people co-parenting deal with warring ex’s and new partners???

we don’t get together with new partners that are dicks and like to inflame situations

Your partner could leave tomorrow and never see your son again legally and morally

I know of a case like this, mum married the partner, child had a step parent for years, mum wanted surname changed to new husband so that all subsequent children had the same name. Marriage broke up and step dad no longer involved...indeed he is now the enemy. So it's never sensible to put a partner into the parent role when bio parent is in the scene. 2nd marriages have higher rate of failure than first marriages so odds are a 2nd relationship isn't going to work out.

DP found out he decided he also wanted to go, this was decided literally the morning of

Why? why did he suddenly decide this? He would have been well aware it was likely to cause issues; does he not allow you to attend things with your sons' father alone?

This was nothing to do with him. Your ex is clearly at fault too, but your DP needs to understand that your son's father cannot be written out just because he's not a great parent. He needs to back off.

And that's exactly what you should be doing op - putting your ds first.

My exh had an affair and separating almost broke me.
Despite how hurt and angry I was (and still am over 4 years later to some extent), I never let our 2 dc see anything but their 2 parents working together to raise them. Last week was our eldest's prom and we were both really involved and there as he got ready, had photos and left for prom. People have asked how I can be so ok with him after what he did but then I look at how happy our dc are that they don't have to pick and choose which parents go to which event and it's all worth it.

I guess what I'm saying is that you are right in putting your ds first and he will thank you for it later in life. By which point your dp may or may not still be in your life. Just because he lives with your ds, doesn't give him parenting rights over your ex.

I am very conscious of what’s said in front of DS so any negativity from either of them I just try and shut it down immediately if it’s in front of DS and say it’s not the time.

It could be that DP thinks he does to much as he does do a lot of with DS in regards to the running round etc.

ExH won’t bring a partner to events as his pattern is get with someone new and then he moves in with them very quickly and then contact becomes more infrequent as it’s dependant upon what’s going on in his new relationship.

It could be that DP thinks he does to much as he does do a lot of with DS in regards to the running round etc.

this is surely something that you need to address with your DP. And if he is doing too much then you need to adapt. That’s what we need do as single parents with lazy exs. We don’t rely on new partners to fill the ex role

But as I have said

in this scenario- it is your current DP that comes across as the biggest twat by a country margin

I will address it, the running round is more due to the fact we only have one car currently that we share.

Being honest - I’m guessing your relationship with your dp isn’t great.

how long have you been with him? Any other children involved in this?

So your DP learned you were going to the event with your ex so he auddenly had to come, even though the agreement was he would go on a different day with you.? If so your DP was wrong and you shouldn'g have let him come

I think your Ex is an arse but you have very little control in that and you can’t try and change him however your DP needs to accept that and that having an argument with him only really impacts negatively on your son. I’ve spent years wanting DH to be more assertive with a volatile ex but I finally saw that even when he was it just made the ex worse and it was then worse for my stepchild.
its easy to jump to criticise your DP and he clearly hasn’t acted well here either but I do know where he’s coming from however he does need to accept that your ex isn’t going to change and together you need to make the best of it for your DS

My DSD lives with us. I would never get in the way of her mother attending any event even though I run round after her. This is because I'm not a twat!

Yeah this whole situation doesn't sound great but in this instance it's your DP suddenly wanting to attend and you agreeing to it that's caused the issue. You should've put your foot down and said no. XH doesn't sound like a prize but he's not wrong here.

Only just realised reply doesn’t copy the original message and I have to quote. No other children involved, we have been together for 4 years, ExH left when DS was just turning a year old. Overall the relationship is good, he is a good parent and good with DS it just seems to be that their is some form of stupid competition constantly between him and ExH and they literally can’t help themselves from throwing an insult about the other. Had a few serious discussions with DP about how he talks about ExH in front of DS and for the most part he is really good and if he slips it gets shut down. Most of the time he will insult ExH when his family are with us and DS isn’t present.

Very obviously your DP, given his open disdain of your ex, decided to come, against what was in best interests of your son, to cause problem and tension and arguments

op - I don’t like the sound of him in the slightest

should have said good partner not parent