Past relationships - I did no mistakes (am I a red flag?)

[Rochellebee]

Hello everyone, I had only three relationships in my life. First one cheated, second one cheated and third one turned out being narcissist (jealousy, insecurity, invalidating my feelings constantly). I’m actually psychology graduate and realise the importance of owning my mistakes. I have been overthinking my past relationships a lot lately, but cannot figure what and if I did anything wrong (I’m anxious person so maybe I was just overthinking the relationship too much - but at the same time I’m happy I did). We always hear that it’s a red flag when someone talks about their past relationships negatively without admitting any kind of mistakes (that’s me if someone asks about my past relationship!!!) I would like to start dating again, but I’m overthinking if I should go therapy first to figure what I did wrong. Any advice ? Do you think someone can really be that person who just chose really bad partners without making much mistakes in relationships?

I think you need to be kinder to yourself. Just because you met some aresholes doesn't mean you did anything wrong!

A red flag is a feeling. It's the feeling you get when somebody treats you in a way you don't like. Do you know the feeling? The one where you get a physical sensation, somehow of 'Ugh!', and your brain goes 'Is it just me or was that really unreasonable/unfair/rude/other negative thing?'

Don't blame yourself as you are not responsible for the emotions and actions of others. However, you are responsible for you. Without being happy with you, you cannot be happy with anyone else. From a cognitive therapy perspective, you could try working on your personal boundaries. Age brought some wisdom when it comes to other people, men and women. I have learned to listen when I meet new people. Everyone puts on their best face for new encounters (normally). However, narcissistic and otherwise toxic people hang themselves with their little stories about their lives and interests early-on. It saves you the bother of having to investigate them deeply. Without fail, most of the bad people I have ever known have shown signs early-on in how they express or conduct themselves. Some people (me, another words) have in the past been guilty of indulging people with evident weakness or shortcomings in their behaviour or opinions in the name of open-mindedness, and a willingness to forgive. That has all gone out of the window now as time taught me these sorts of people are not worth my effort and you cannot change or rescue anyone. Save your time for someone who deserves you. The old saying about leading a horse to water is very true.

I can relate, I've thought about this a lot myself. Most of my previous relationships have been really abusive. I have some responsibility in the fact that I basically had zero boundaries and allowed them to treat me badly, but their behaviour itself wasn't my fault.

The thing that's seen as a red flag is playing the victim, bitching about your exes in a way that suggests everything is always someone else's fault. This of course can be confusing when we have actually been victims. The thing that's a potential red flag is how you talk about it, if you even choose to at all.

It was very liberating for me when I realised I don't actually have to disclose my past to people I'm dating, so if you're worried about it coming across as a red flag you could simply choose not to talk about it, at least in the beginning. It's less likely to seem like a red flag if you've really gotten to know someone and they know you don't have form for playing the victim or passing blame.