How to stop over analysing relationships?

[ellie09]

Starting by saying that yes, I know what I am going to write is silly, hence the title but looking for constructive advice on how to overcome my own thoughts.

I've had a few long term relationships. I was married and we separated from the first, and it was a very horrible break up and relationship with lots of emotional and sometimes physical abuse.

After this, I was with a guy for a little over a year and we lived together for about 6 months. The relationship was seemingly okay, but I could sense he was losing interest, and he pulled away from me as time went on to the point, looking back, that withdrawal of affection was also abusive.

I've been with my new boyfriend for around a year. He is very different from my ex's as I wanted to be more independent and have a slow moving relationship where we could spend 1-2 nights together a week as I didn't want to become completely entwined with another clingy, needy boyfriend.

He has mild autism and its evident. He's never said he loves me and is not keen on cuddling etc though he did tolerate it at the start, probably out of politeness, but I do see it through his actions. Time spent together is great and we get on well together and seem settled the more time goes on. We are going away in a few days for our first holiday abroad and it'll be the longest time we've spent together also. I've met all his family etc also.

After being in a couple of LTR I am aware that things do settle and we become comfortable. He's never been a huge texter but they are becoming less frequent - unless I ask a question there seems to be no conversation. The kisses at the end of texts have reduced from two to one only. He canceled me on Tuesday night because he said he needed to sort out stuff for holiday - its the first time he has actually cancelled.

I know that I am probably being negative childish and its my previous relationships that are impactimg the way I view a "healthy" relationship. Does anybody have any advice on how I can overcome this in my day to say? I don't want to let it brew and I end up mentally tortured or blowing up and ruining a good thing.

I literally just stopped thinking about it. I just don't let the thoughts into my head anymore.

I judge relationships on how they make me feel overall - if it makes me feel good, happy, relaxed, safe and secure, I stay. If not, I don't.

No one is ever going to change so if he isn't verbally expressive or affectionate, he's never going to be and only you know if that is a problem for you.

I'm autistic and I would cancel a date to get ready for a holiday because, if I have too much in my head, I get really overwhelmed and often can't do something while I have something else occupying thoughts.

I know what I am going to write is silly

I know that I am probably being negative childish

For a start, you need to stop minimising, negating, and criticising your own thoughts and feelings.

He's not as affectionate as he was, and it's worrying you. That's the basic situation. Why do you want to call that silly and childish? Doing this will be at the root of any abuse you've suffered.

What do you think would be the grown up/sensible feelings and thoughts to have?

Walk away, OP. You will not be able to cope with the lack of affection and different ways of thinkings between you. It honestly will only cause upset and poor self esteem for you longterm. If you're this worried at the start, then you're ultimately not compatible.

My husband also doesn't initiate affection or tells me he loves me. Luckily I feel loved by someone spending time with me and he always gives me his time and what better indication is there than that that he loves me. I go through insecure phases but it passes and I just have to tell myself I'm being silly, every other time I've felt insecure it's been over nothing and we're still together and happy.

When my husband dropped a kiss on texts, I told him it made me feel a bit rubbish and he increased them again. I've always been upfront with him about what I want and that helps. They're not mind readers and if affection doesn't come naturally, it is hard for them. When I initiate the affection more and have more sex together, I feel closer to him even though I've initiated it.

Go on your hol together and if everything is great, next time you are feeling like this you can remind yourself of this time when it turned out that you were worrying over nothing. Also work on your own self esteem, we shouldn't look to men to make us feel better (I need to take this advice myself). Hope you have a lovely holiday

Its definitely a self esteem issue I feel! I've been in a few relationships and it hadn't bothered me the natural complacency of the relationships. I'm wondering if it is because my previous relationships were co-habitual so even though we didn't text much etc over time, I knew I was going home to see them anyway. At the minute, my current partner sees me about 1-2 times a week so I don't know if its just an issue that is bothering me as its a new dynamic in a relationship I've yet to experience and its the first where I have maintained somewhat of a distance between us (I wanted to try something new due to past relationships not working)

Deep down I know not to read into something as simple as a text, as my previous ex had been lovey dovey right up until the day we split up and I didn't see it coming. Its just hard trying to change your mindset. Ill probably try and stay off the phone and keep occupied instead in my own free time, to try and occupy myself (I am prone to be a scroller!)

Ill see how the holiday is, as I've said before, any time spent together, we always have a great time, so I'll concentrate the next few days looking forward to that

It's not just about a text though, is it? He's less attentive, he doesn't tell you he loves you, he doesn't give you as much physical affection as you'd like.

Why are you dismissing things you said yourself?