Help me forget this person

[Freetodowhatiwant]

This sounds ridiculous but I’ve just had a really intense 3 week relationship with a man with whom there were fireworks straight away. Not player vibe fireworks but real emotional, physical and deep connection. I know someone is likely to think love bombing but it wasn’t really that. He wanted a relationship with me. i would have wanted one with him too but there was one big stumbling block.

He was clear from the start that he is polyamorous and has a long term girlfriend who is married and everyone is polyamorous. I only swiped right on him as I thought it would be a bit of fun, casual sex and a bit of experimentation. But it turned out to be this unexpectedly deep connection for both of us. Again after 3 weeks I really do know how ridiculous this sounds, am in my 40s and am not new to dating and LTRs and everything in between.

Everyone was very honest and open about things which for me was really key having had a 9 or so month relationship with someone previously who was very dishonest and sleeping around. Again I can join the dots between my emotional damage from that relationship and suddenly being in this incredibly honest and open situation. And I did think for a few moments I could do it.! Tried to he ‘mature’ and feel happy for him when he was out with her but the fact is it did hurt too much and I just couldn’t face it. So I ended it. And now I am fucking sad and miss him.

i said I didn’t want to be the person to put pressure on him to change his situation and I don’t. But half of me thinks that f you really want to be with somebody you would. I sent some heartfelt messages and he replied but when I replied he didn’t. He’s out with her tonight. She was incredibly worried, apparently, that he would fall for me and discover he actually wanted to be monogamous. But I have finished it and that hasn’t happened.

my friends say I have done the right thing, protecting my heart. If it felt this bad after 3 weeks what would it feel further down the line? But right now it just feels utterly shit.

i want to do the usual stuff I do to try make things hurt less - go out, have fun, arrange other dates but I am just not feeling it and still have feelings for him. Once again I know how ridiculous this sounds after a 3 week situation but we are where we are. Also that only feeling things for one person at a time doesn’t bode well for my brief flirtation with polyamory. He would have had her and me and I would have had half of him and some shit dates on the side.

how can I move on? Should I block him? Totally not my style but maybe it would help. I really miss talking to him.

It's just the euphoria of a new relationship. Don't let lust blind you. He might be lying. I'm not sure why but I'm not getting good vibes about him from what you wrote. I'd ignore and talk to other men so you don't think about him. You'd be foolish to get yourself into a messy situation.

You will be OK op. I met a guy in April and it was through a swingers site, so under no illusion of it being anymore than sex.. but he was so hot, amazing body, the sex was amazing.. then he just stopped talking to me. I sent 2 messages that were left unread so I just tried to forget him. I thought I really should get tested.. he gave me chlamydia 🤮. Not saying your guy is anything like that but when u have a break and realty sets in u will get over him.

It doesn't sound like his gf is happy about sharing him, who is married to someone else... this is far too confusing and too many people in the mix. Just see it as an experiment, it's not for you, honestly it's only been 3 weeks, you will soon get over this, keep looking and keep your mind off him.

Sometimes, I've found anyway, unattainable-ness and the likelihood of rejection makes us want them even more!!
Things feel even more intense when we know it can't last.

It's a shame you didn't have these big, amazing feelings for someone who wanted the same things out of life that you do. But this guys got a different way of life that won't suit you.

Let yourself feel your feelings. You've had your heart broken before and you got through it. It's ok to feel upset and ok for it to take time to get over. After all it is a bit of a shock to the system when you start feeling all these crazy good - then crazy bad emotions.

Were you truly open to and interested in being involved in polygamy? Sorry if I'm way off but I get a feeling that you maybe experimented with this setup after being cheated on thinking 'well, i can't stop someone being with another woman, but at least this way it's all out in the open and therefore in control'? But it still caused hurt as you want a monogamous relationship with someone faithful, or at least some casual fun without all the messy complexity?

If I'm honest he doesnt sound that considerate or controlled if he's allowing his girlfriend to feel threatened. Maybe she isn't so happy with this setup.

I think blocking is a good idea. You could say a polite goodbye if you prefer then block and delete so it doesn't feel like you're cutting him dead. Let yourself heal from this and your last relationship, it's been an intense few weeks but you'll be fine.

But half of me thinks that f you really want to be with somebody you would

But you left him, so, if he agrees with your way of thinking, he's now under the impression that you don't really want to be with him, otherwise you wouldn't have left.

It's all too complicated. You've got a crush. Distract yourself. What did you do that you really loved, before you met him? Do those things more, fill up your time. This relationship became an emotional mess within 3 weeks. It's not good for you.

Somebody got there before me but it might be that you are finding the prospect of being abandoned by this situation attractive. People are often attracted to emotions we have felt strongly and more importantly repeatedly in our childhood as the brain loves familiarity. So maybe there might be something deeper going on here for you.

Oh you’re all so wise and I love that. Thank you. The responses are exactly what I need. Yes it’s definitely that early love-crush intensity and it will wear off i know. That’s a very good point about him now thinking I wasn’t up for it but in terms of him being with someone else I guess I wasn’t. Nor would I want to be the person who tried to change that. It is what it is. I was the last person to respond yesterday and said a few heartfelt things yet they were left unread for hours. I know he was out with her and it just brought back all those horrible feelings and cemented why I can’t do this. So at around midnight last night when I saw he had still not read my messages I blocked him and I need to now move on. I feel a bit immature blocking him but I didn’t want to put myself through it - watching to see when he read the messages and then waiting for a reply. I know he will also be hurting as he seemed to have developed strong feelings for me too, genuinely, but we will both get over it. Shame because it was such a lovely connection but it was what it is. Thanks for the hand holding.