Is this fair?

[Chesssplayer]

Me and my partner have been together for 4 years. For 2 years of the relationship we have been living at my parents house to save for a mortgage deposit.
He has just been offered a well paid job in another city and wants us to move there and rent.
However, we have different views on how we should pay rent/bills.
He wants us to pay 50/50, whereas I think we should pay proportional to our income, as he earns significantly more than me. He also said he wants us to split rent/bills this way even if we get married.

Is this fair?

i agree with you, it seems the fairest way to me in a partnership

He's looking to keep more spare cash than you. Not fair at all.

He’s being very selfish. It’s no partnership.

I agree with you. However, I do not like the sound of him at all. As he is wanting to split bills 50/50 on marriage I would be wondering about my future with him in this relationship. Such men do not want to share.

We did proportional contributions to a joint account from which all bills were paid. Later, when we bought together my partner wanted to go 50/50 for the sake of his investment should we split up. I agreed. I am the higher earner, but it sounds like our earnings were closer, like a 60/40 split. The reason for proportional split is so that the lower earner still has some independent cash at the end of the month, otherwise that prison has nothing and is dependent for money from the higher earner for personal choices.

Prior to this i was married (without children) and a mortgage. All our earnings went into a joint account. We were both on good incomes but he was the higher earner and would critique my pertained purchases. At the very least each person needs their own pot they can spend as they like, and once children are in the mix then the agreement needs to shift again to accommodate the distribution of household income so that one parent, usually the mum, isn't penniless and at the whim of the higher earner.

50/50 isn't generally fair.

DH and I both put 2/3 of our salaries into the bills and rent. We have loans and things so it's a bit high at the mo. We end up with about the same spare cash each. He earns 3 times as much as me so inevitably he pays more. If we went 50/50 I'd have negative

This is not a man who will always have your back. He wants you to pay the same as him even though you earn a lot less. It's really shocking that he wants that even if you get married. How is he going to reconcile having lots of new clothes and expensive holidays when you can't do that? If you have to pay half of the rent that he can afford, then you will be flat broke. It's even more shocking given that he has financially benefit from your family's kindness.

Excuse typos!

I think its sometimes fair enough in the early stages of a relationship but once things have got committed then no. I also don't think it's fair in your case as he is the one forcing the move to this city whereas you could have stayed with your parents for free.

How much has he paid to live at your parents house for the past 2 years?

Pre kids and pre marriage then fair enough. After marriage and kids, no. Also, did he contribute rent whilst you were living at your parents'? And does that mean that you'll postpone buying and not be able to get on the housing ladder yet?

That's just not a partnership. DH earns more than I do. We put all our money into the same pot for mortgage, bills, and the same amount each to spend as we like.

Would also echo PP who have asked how he divvied things up while staying at your folks.

He has paid my parents £160 a month to live here

Yes, he paid £160 a month. He wants us to continue to save for a mortgage whilst renting

We have a slight different in salaries, but still
pay 50/50 for bills and mortgage so I feel like I’m contributing to the house equally.
However he will pay for most of the weekly shops, meals out, big expenses on the house, and definitely spends more on joint things than I do overall.

I'd rethink the whole relationship tbh. Making yourself poorer at his behest? Nah.

He has paid my parents £160 a month to live here cheeky git. He wants it both ways, doesn't he! A bedroom in my Northern area with facilities and bills, without meals included would be £400 per week. He wants to be your partner when at your parents to benefit from cheap digs, but just room mates when it comes to renting accommodation together.

You should both be able to save towards that in your own savings accounts, not just him. What he wants gives him a lot of financial control in the relationship. 4 years in, 2 years living together I would expect to be treated as more than just a flat mate splitting the bills. Proportional split or split that gives you the same disposable income. How is moving going to effect your job? I wouldn't want to be in a financially vulnerable situation in a new city with no supports in place.

£160 a month. Wow.
And how, in whose names, are the mortgage savings being held?

We are both saving the same amount in our own bank accounts

I will either have to try and get a transfer or find a new job

Do you even want to move to this city? Financially it sounds like you’d be far better off staying at your parents and saving for your own house.

That sounds very unfair. When I was married (and before), me and exh would put a proportion of our wages into the joint for mortgage/bills/etc and we would keep what was left. He was crap with money so this worked well for us and if we went our together or something, he would usually pay as he had more money left each month than me.

I think his suggestion would only work if the 'extra' money he had every month to you was put away towards saving for a deposit and not just for him to spend.

Proportional, definitely.