When is it time to give up this relationship?

[GYsimm22]

I know many of you will if heard this over and over again but I could really do with some advice…..

Top and bottom of it is I can’t tolerate my fiancé anymore.
I have a 14 year old who is his stepdaughter and we also have a 4 year old of our own. He is brilliant with both kids and loves the 14 year old like his own but I just don’t know how much longer I can carry on.
Im going to be honest here, my first husband left when DD was 2 leaving me devastated, ruined my plans of another child and a complete family. I wasn’t the same for years, really depressed. I have a really small family and desperately wanted her to have a sibling to grow up with, this was important to me. I met my now fiancé when my daughter was 9 and he was hilarious, just what I needed after years of being sad. Hes very kind, loyal, friendly, ticked all the boxes! he was desperate for kids himself and I thought great, this was my opportunity. But that’s all it was, ticking boxes. I don’t think I ever truly fell in love with him but we went on to buy a lovely house and have our DS.

As time has gone on and especially during covid I have come to realise how incompatable we are, I first realised when my DS was first born which led onto post natal depression. He changed the minute me
moved into our house and became utterly reliant on me for everything. He doesn’t cook anything and I mean anything, unless it’s making a sandwich, doesn’t know how to turn the washing machine on, doesnt pick anything up off the floor, nothing. We both work full time, I have a stressful job and look after the house / kids on top of that. He isn’t much support to me, if we are faced with an issue he would say ‘what are you going to do about it’ or ‘Let me know when you think of a plan’…. Not only that but he has some serious insecurity, we have had times where I have said I can’t be in this relationship anymore and he clings on for dear life, suggests we buy a new house or book a holiday to look forward too. But this pushes my away further. I feel like I have 3 kids not 2 and feel very alone, all feeling for him has completely gone. There are many more problems but that’s just to highlight a few.
I still feel so depressed, I can’t think of anything else other than how much I’ve messed things up. I feel trapped. my kids are so happy and content although I do feel like my daughter knows when I snap which is quite a lot.

I have hung on for 3 years to see if things would improve but my feelings get worse, I can’t bare him, don’t have a loving relationship, don’t sleep in the same
room and I know i will never have sex with him again (havent in 3 years) it all just feels wrong, I don’t know who I am anymore! I’m definitely not who I used to be. I’m not the mother I used to be either 😢
I am terrified of being alone again, I am so fearful of becoming ill or jobless and not being able to support the children. I’m 40 next year and feel like no one would want me with 2 children to 2 different fathers.

please help, I would love to hear from someone who has had a similar experience

It's past time to end this. He'll fight it, sure, but that's because he's selfish and thinking of his own needs and wants.

Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied. Are you married to this man now or does he remain your fiance?.

What are you still getting out of this?. Nothing from what I can see and this relationship should have been over at least 3 years ago.

You're alone now within this relationship and that is a really bad place to be in. You also would not want your DC as adults to be in such a relationship. You need to stop further doing your bit in showing them this particular model of a relationship is still acceptable to you on some level. What do you want to teach your children about relationships here and what are they learning from you both currently?. Your DD certainly knows that you are unhappy and is indeed picking up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken here between you and her dad.

Make your 40th year on this planet a better one for you and your DC. You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

No I’m not married, have somehow managed to avoid the wedding planning for the last 3 years….
Maybe just the security and stability of having someone else there I guess, to help with DC I suppose.

Also, the fear of what would happen with my DS. Last time I tried to end, he threatened me with 50/50 custody (which I’m not totally against) it’s just that he would go back to where he was from which is an hour drive away and I wouldn’t want my DS to have that disruption in his life 50% of the time.
Sometimes I just think to myself, he’s a decent man, doesn’t hurt me and is good to the kids, maybe I should accept it. But it’s so hard, I feel numb with unhappiness most of the time.

but your right, about the effect on my
DC relationships, I think about that all the time and try to cover my feelings to give an image of a happy relationship. I often wonder if it’s better to leave or try to make it work so they have a stable home. I don’t know what is better for them??

Despite what I’ve said, he is actually a really nice man with lots of friends. I wish I loved him, it would make things a lot easier. but I just don’t and I can’t change it.

I know you said you don't want to be alone. I'm practice you already are.
No matter if he tries to cling on, stand clear on your decision
You'll find you'll be so much happier as your resentment will be lifted, when you get rid of your " Thulfiqar child"

You say you are worried about becoming jobless or ill, but you can't live your life based on this. You might win the lottery!! And anyway, if he was such a brilliant father he would make sure his children were cared for if you fell on hard times, wouldn't he? What would happen if you went for a holiday by yourself for a few days? Would he happily step into the domestic role, and if not, would he really fight for 50/50 custody or is he just using this as another manipulation.

Your children will pick up on the tensions and your unhappiness, and all you are providing is a model that women put up with shit relationships. Saying 'he doesn't hurt me' is setting the bar sooo low. He might be a genuinely nice man but that doesn't mean he is the man for you.

You are worth more than this.

"Maybe just the security and stability of having someone else there I guess, to help with DC I suppose".

But he is not doing any of this and when he is present he is not involved and leaves the planning and or responsible stuff to you. For all the use he is to you you may as well have a cardboard cutout. You feel like you have three children to care for when you are actually a parent of two. You also say you cannot bear him; that is something the kids will really pick up on. You're showing them that a loving and emotionally healthy relationship is not their birthright, they're being shown that a loveless and otherwise miserable partnership could be their "norm" too.

Did he move into your house?.

Threatening you with demanding 50/50 custody; such men say this to keep their target i.e you in this case in line. Decent and or otherwise kind men do not use the kids against their mother in such a way; abusive men do in an attempt to have some power and control over their target. It works as a threat because the kids are your achilles heel and he knows this. Given how little he seems at all involved with them now do you really think that he would actually have his son around half the week?. No, he will interfere with his time. And he is probably only saying that as well in an attempt to not pay maintenance for him.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from both of you?. You would undoubtedly not want your children as adults to be in such a relationship so expect better for your own self. Why is this still acceptable to you on some level?. Are you not tired of being the last one who matters here to your fiance?. Staying for the sake of the children rarely if ever works out at all well for all concerned and is a decision your children won't say "thanks mum" to you for. They will call you daft for staying and perhaps even accuse you of putting him before them. Whose sake are you really staying for?.

Sometimes I just think to myself, he’s a decent man, doesn’t hurt me and is good to the kids,

Please stop kidding yourself like this. He is none of those things and your relationship bar (he does not hurt me) is set so terribly low that its pitiful.

What happened to you when you were growing up, what sort of a relationship example were you shown?.

So you used him to get a second child.

Why didn't you go down the sperm donor route instead?

Thank you, it certainly does feel that way.

AttilaTheMeerkat
thank you that is really good advice, I need to go and ask myself those questions.
no he didn’t move into my house, we bought one together.
I think my relationship bar must be set pretty low, my parents are still still together but also despise each other, they’ve argued for as long as I can remember. Perhaps that’s just ingrained into me, my dad is old fashioned and thinks families should stay together when there is kids involved so maybe there is an element of guilt somewhere along the line

MagpiePi
thank you, that is such good advice, I need to remember that.

Ive been thinking about this for so long now I just feel confused and defeated.
The last few years have been really difficult.

He isn't pulling his weight, and is manipulative.

It is time to call time on it.

Work out what works for you- say starting at 50/50 and where you'd want to live. Could you afford the house alone? If so, offer to buy him out.

Your DC will be perfectly happy if you coparent well. They won't be happy with a miserable mum held hostage by her partner.