Pregnant, building work stress, and DH can’t cope

[Mitzymarvel]

My DH is a lovely man and when things are calm we’re very happy together.

However, I really wish he could step up and be a steady rock at the moment instead of succumbing to his own stress and anxiety, which involves a lot of ranting and raving.

I’m due to give birth with our first baby in a couple of months and have experienced stress due to heavy bleeding, issues with movement, and general anxiety about life completely changing. Have had a few panics, but I think I’m coping ok most of the time.

We both have stressful full time jobs - yet he can’t switch off or set boundaries between work and home - works late every night, often does work at weekends. His job always comes first. Mine is seen as less important even though I’m the higher earner. I also have too much work to do, but find it easier to prioritise and cut off at a certain point.

We have a building project going on that is increasingly less likely to be finished before the baby arrives, which I am very worried about as we will likely be without a kitchen which isn’t ideal with a new born! Build is really dragging on and there have been so many delays. Should have been finished by now.

We made a deal that he would deal with the builders etc to spare me the stress, but it’s not working out like that and I’m increasingly dealing with the builders’ issues while DH is working. I had to plan/design the project, write the planning application, draw the plan etc. I’ve done the bulk of research on all the purchases. But I have expected him to engage the builders and discuss most issues with them.

When we hired the builder, he only contacted one and then posted the job on a findabuilder site - then claimed that whoever contacted us was the best we could get. He didn’t do much research but I didn’t want to be critical.

Anyway, I called him with a problem on site with a tradesman yesterday and asked him to call the builder to discuss, but he got really cross with me for calling him at work and putting the stress on him. Argued last night about it.

He says he can’t cope with all the stress and is having physical stress symptoms.

I don’t know what to do as I feel like, being pregnant, I should be minimising stress and he should be stepping up and being the calm and steady one, making sure the build gets done. But he just can’t handle it.

He is doing at least his share of housework and gardening, but we have both really slacked off that due to everything else going on.

We can’t stop the project now as too much already invested but it’s hard dealing with his stress and outbursts while trying to minimise my own stress. I’d really rather he looked after the building work but it’s clearly not going to happen.

There may not be an answer other than just preserve, accept he can’t deal with stress and get though it, but what should I do?

Hand all of the day to day household stuff over to him and you concentrate on the build. He obviously can’t cope with the build.

His job sounds too stressful -- that or he really needs to develop some stress management skills / get a better mindset about work and stress in general. In any case, something needs to change fast as parenthood is just as (or more) stressful than building work. I would be having a frank conversation with him about how the current dynamic is not sustainable and expecting him to make and execute a plan to sort his stress.

Short term - is there anything you can outsource or drop off the list so that between you there is less to do, and you can create more headspace to deal with the building? Eg. hire a cleaner, gardener etc for a few months or until it's complete?

Long term - you need a proper conversation when you are both calm about how you are going to manage once there is a child in the mix. What's actually the cause of his stress? Is it the type of industry he's in, or his specific employer (if the latter would he consider changing jobs?). Or another reason? It's also a bit of a red flag that he is treating his job as more important without any discussion or agreement from you - I would strongly advise you to go back to work after mat leave and retain your career if this is the case.

I can do that for now, but there’s no way I can manage the builders when the baby is here. He will have to step up then.

Unfortunately it’s the latter - he just isn’t good at coping with stress. I do think he would benefit from a less stressful job, but then we’re both conscious that would likely mean less money.

I’ve been trying to encourage him to at least join some agencies for now to keep his ear out for other jobs, but he feels he hasn’t got the head space to actively look for another job at the moment.

I think you can manage the builders and the baby. I’ve done it in similar circumstances and it’s stressful and not ideal but it can be done. (We had our roof completely replaced and an extension done on our kitchen/ diner all when Ds was born and I was recovering from a c section…!) If your dh really isn’t coping and is just about managing to cope working full time that’s all you can do really.

I couldn’t deal with this. Honestly I think my love would start to erode pretty fast if I found I couldn’t lean on or rely on my husband at the most stressful time of my life. I couldn’t be doing hand holding and coddling HIM while shouldering more stress, earning more money and also growing our child. I would end up resenting and struggling to respect him. Maybe that’s awful but it’s true.

Not sure what the answer is but just to say I really sympathise and would probably be considering the future of the relationship in your position.

Thanks - it is a constant bone of contention that his job comes first all the time.

Irony is I have a lot more responsibility at work than he does, but because I don’t let it sink me he perceives my job as easier - which just isn’t true. I can just cope with it better.

I do plan to return to work after mat leave - hopefully 4 days a week, which would still make me the higher earner.

He’s s actually pretty good at getting on with stuff at home that’s in his comfort zone - doesn’t get stressed about doing garden work etc, but he has no confidence with things like cooking, which tends to be my domaine.

I’ve suggested getting help in but he just says we can’t afford it. But to be fair, that’s the least of what’s stressing him out.

He’s particularly angry at the moment as I told him that if the house is at a particularly dusty/fumey stage of the build when the baby comes then I’ll have to move in with my parents with the baby for a couple of weeks till it gets past that stage.

I understand him being upset by that but don’t know what else to suggest!

I don’t feel I should have to do that though - I feel like he should just reprioritise. I don’t enjoy the stress either and feel like he should be someone I can lean on at the moment.

He is a wonderful husband in many respects - but this is just really getting me down.

I think he’ll be a great father too - he’s so good with our nieces and nephews.

But I do find myself resenting him sometimes.

WHY is his job seen as 'more important'

whsts happening with maternity/paternity leave?

Are you planning on going back to your job? When?

when are you starting your maternity leave?

In your position I'd be furious about the way he engaged the builders, because you'd likely be in a better position now IF he'd done that job properly!! But you are where you are!

Are the builders causing more issues/difficulties/delays now? If they are could you look at getting it completed by different builders?

I would tell him that as he's being an ineffectual pain in the arse, that unless he wanted to step up, I'd be taking it over completely & making all the decisions without the faff of consulting him. Then I'd go into over drive to get it completed ASAP.

see where you get to in 6 weeks & if it's still looking like the kitchen won't be finished before the baby arrives I'd organise a space into a temporary kitchen/clean space. You'll really only need a clean space for sterilising if you're planning on breast feeding. Fridge/kettle, basic minimum for getting food for you.

baby & building can be done.

But going forward, you're going to need to look at your relationship because maybe you're not as well suited as you thought you were. But not one to think about too much while pregnant/have a newborn, because the hormones are evil bastards and your feelings don't always align with how you'll feel once they settle!

you CAN do this!! (You shouldn't have to, but he can't/won't! So you will have to & you'll be fine!!)

@JuneJubilee WHY is his job seen as 'more important'
he would say it isn’t but shows that’s how he feels from the way he prioritises it. I try to have a better work/life balance and so will cut off rather than work excessive extra hours. It might mean I don’t get promoted but I’m ok with that for now at least. He feels he has to do everything asked of him and more. He will let me do all the house stuff around him, as he feels he can’t pull his head out of work, whereas I just will to make the other stuff happen.

whsts happening with maternity/paternity leave?
I’m hoping to have a year (as long as finances don’t cut things short). Neither of us has expressed an interest in the idea of shared parental leave.

Are you planning on going back to your job? When?
Planning to go back after a year - hopefully can do 4 days a week.

When are you starting your maternity leave?
Late august all being well - unless there is a reason to do so earlier. Hoping to go really close to the date to maximise time off after.

Are the builders causing more issues/difficulties/delays now? If they are could you look at getting it completed by different builders?
just slow - not bad work. I think if we get rid of them it will cause even more delays and cost more - as tempting as it is!

But going forward, you're going to need to look at your relationship because maybe you're not as well suited as you thought you were.
I don’t know - we do love each other very much and I struggle to envision life without him. I know he can’t be perfect but I do need him to be someone who can hold things together better in difficult times. Hopefully he will start to put things into perspective when baby comes.

you CAN do this!!
Thanks! I know it’ll all get done in the end. I could just do with being able to share the burden a bit more!

I wonder if some of his stress is to do with becoming a father. My DH went very stressy and quite withdrawn from me a couple of months before each of our DC arriving and once the babies arrived he completely stepped up and focused on us. He just couldn't cope with the waiting, the anxiety and the unknowns around the birth. You need to talk to him - ask how he's feeling and tell him how you feel.

Hi @Mitzymarvel I am in a similar situation - pregnant, with a DH who doesn’t manage his stress well. If you are able, I wondered if you could share how you and your DH have managed since baby arrived? Did he ‘step up’ or is his anxiety and stress still a problem for him?